Years Later, Still Feeling the Same

I feel guilty every single day. My oldest sister was killed in a car accident along with two others when a truck driver high on meth lost control of his vehicle. I thank the universe for my youngest nephew's survival. But I think about the sentencing hearing and how the attorneys said they were hopeful for our healing since we had forgiven him. But I didn't then, and I still haven't. My sister was estranged from my entire family but had reached out to me a few days before she had died, wanting to see me that weekend. I feel robbed of a relationship I could have had. I feel disconnected from my other siblings because I know I'm growing up to be just like our sister. I graduated high school and dropped out of college, my brother got married, my other sister is supposed to be getting married in a few days and the only thing I can think of is how shitty it is that there should be four siblings in all of these pictures when there aren't. I'd be okay with her not wanting to talk to us, as long as she was still here.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I too feel the same of missing a sibling - not sure how to go about this.

 

Klonely & Amy,

I am sorry for both your losses. Losing a sibling is just awful. Nadine, my wife, while we were married also lost, both her brothers, and one sister. During those times it was so very hard for her as I am sure it is for both of you.

When we suffer loss the hardest and most troubling thing we can do is face it. Talking about it is even harder. When I first started posting here, I had been elsewhere, I had been talking with no focus and I just let my feelings fall where they may. I am sure I had others wondering at times why I would not just get to the point and finish my post(s).

As I posted it just brought one memory after another, sure the bad ones were still there, but a wonderful thing started to happen, the ones that made my life with my wife so wonderful started to usher forth. It was at that point that I started receiving followers on facebook.com for my daily posts of Nadine, and her life with me.

People started also opening up and commenting, especially the ones who knew her in life, and those who wish they had. Talking of Nadine was finally so easy, it helped me organize my thoughts as I talked about our life together until she was no longer among us. It was my grief talking that had a strong hold on me.

I can understand feeling lonely, not connected, and so very angry with family and life itself. Sometimes life just seems so unfair, we might search for answers, but also may never find them.

After Nadine's siblings died, except for her older sister, while they were not so close before, they both grew so much closer with each other. That relationship is what helped both of them when one by one both their parents also passed. They shared so many hugs, so many tears, and talked of all the times in the past they had together growing up not just as children, but as they both married and had children.

So please take all the time you need to come to terms with your losses. Speak out when you need to, no words are ever wrong. I hope you will find some peace of mind soon.

-david

This song is for both of you