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Widowed at 49 and now 58

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Teresa101, Dec 6, 2018.

  1. Teresa101

    Teresa101 Member

    I still have not dated. I could only dream of a man like my husband after 29 years and 5 kids . He died 13 months after my 15 year old daughter was killed. She was our youngest. I have no desire to move on. My other kids think I'm depressed .
     
  2. Ralph Smith

    Ralph Smith Member

    Losing a child has got to be the worst. And then losing a spouse a year later has got to be devastating. I lost my wife in Nov. 2014. I have no desire to date again either. I am so tired of people telling me that I should find somebody so I am not alone. Maybe I want to be alone. I could never find another one like Michelle. She was my soulmate. Everyone has someone that is perfect for them in this world. I was lucky enough to find mine. No one will ever measure up to her. I will always be comparing that person to her and that is not fair to them. Good luck and God bless.
     
  3. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Ralph, I lost my wife a year and nine months ago. I would never search for someone to "fill her shoes" because no one ever could. She was the love of my life. That doesn't mean that I don't ever want a relationship with anyone ever again. My house is quiet (with the exception of our two dogs) living by myself. I would love to be able to come home and share how my day went with someone and to talk about how theirs went. Someone to walk the dogs with, go for a drive with, cook dinner for. Celebrate holidays together, take trips with. I wouldn't expect them to take the place of my wife, it's to big of a task to fulfill. That doesn't mean that they couldn't make me truly happy again. But everyone is different. If you are happy being alone, then you should be. At first I felt guilty about just thinking about being with another woman. My wife didn't choose to get cancer and pass away. If see had her choice, she would be right here. We spent almost 40 years together before I lost her. But if it was the other way around and it was me that passed away, I would want my wife to grieve, recover, and be happy again. I'm sure that's what my wife would want for me too. I'm trying to be happy and some days I am. But there is something missing in my life that I need to find. I pray that God's plan for me includes that
     
  4. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Teresa, Im so sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through what you did. I have three children of my own and don't know what I would do without them. I hope you find peace and happiness again some day. I truly mean that.
     
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Dave and Teresa.

    I am also in the middle on this topic. Dave all the things you listed that were the bread and butter of your relationship really resonated. During the months of insomnia I really by accident went on the Match.com. Yes, some friends suggested that might be something to try, My actual intent was to just go to dinner and talk. At our ages, we have so many stories to tell. The woman there were really looking for 24/7 committed relationships. I picked what I viewed as one of the wisest women on the site to inquire about living a life with universal love versus romantic love. Her bio was full of amazing charity work and a very fulfilled life yet she was back for a second time looking for that hand in glove relationship. Her advice was to do the work of building a life that works and most of our needs are met. She dated a widowed man and was on the verge of marriage at least twice but she was always viewed in comparison. I was so impressed by her and felt sad that what we had in our relationships was so hard to come by. Teresa why would you not be depressed or really just slowly adjusting. You have such significant losses. I had a life that worked and now have to fill in a new one. This feels like a toddler where everything is new with small pieces get added to make living worthwhile. Something like buying a box of fresh peaches while up on Mount Rainier doing the high meadow flowers, always a go-to good thing. What does a single man do with a box of peaches? He gives some away and then watches a youtube video on the steps to freeze them. The point being that is about all I can do. I agree that some dating just to have company would be good. The closeness that I had with Kay was built over 40 years. That was always there in the beginning. I feel like I have lived in a cave of a secure relationship and now seeing a new world. Small steps but a 24/7 relationship? I do not see that but maybe.
     
    ainie likes this.
  6. CherylPenny

    CherylPenny New Member

     
  7. CherylPenny

    CherylPenny New Member

    I too was widowed at 49 and still have not dated at 57. I want to date and have that companionship again but I’m so depressed I can hardly move. I’ve been through years of counseling and medication only to still be depressed and lonely. I don’t think there is any hope for me.
     
  8. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    There is always hope! Never Give Up!
     
  9. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Cheryl,

    The loneliness issue is often cited as a top need. The biggest loss was just that. We had a person 24/7 in our lives. I think back and my marriage was the most connection but work was also many relationships. Both sources of having people came to an abrupt end. Work went away to do caretaking. Then she passed. That is a large hole in people and relationships. Like a 90% hole of nothing. Sure some friends are in the picture but those were more time-to-time relationships as most of our time was spent in these primary ones. Hospice and most grief counseling will high light having a support group as we transition. I did for a while but as time passed their lives got challenged. Still, here we are with some gapping need for companionship.

    Dating sites vary quite a bit from very serious committed relationships being sought to just have lunch, or strictly platonic. Three are meet up groups online generated interest gathering. Hobby/classes to take. Granted we are in the midst of COVID and those sources of being with people are limited. I have a few pen pals generated from this site and correspond somewhat regularly. Church for some, volunteer activities perhaps. Certainly, those with kids or grandkids have relationships with the family. We may not find 24/7 again. Then several relationships from a variety of sources may be how we live now. As Dave points out never say never.

    I would be curious if you could discuss your meds. What type and purpose. Also the value of counseling as you have experienced that? Useful insightful? How are you doing with sleep? That is often a major issue. I am trying to de better with times of solitude and filling my time in ways that I find fulfilling. Like art and music. Staying up on current events or learning via documentaries. Focus is another often-cited grief loss.

    Cheryl, being stuck is not a pleasant state to be in. There have been times just a nice exchange with a store clerk was about all the relationships I was having. This feeling of isolation is prevalent and even more now that people are in lockdown and engaging is social distancing for health reasons. I have no idea about the resource available to you. Here of course are people well acquainted with our common set of loss. I am technically challenged. All the zoom and online opportunities are not in my personal hell house.

    That lack of connection, flow, things to look forward to are daunting.

    You are welcome to chat. We are all in a similar boat and get these difficulties.

    Be well as well as you can be.

    Paul M. ( learning to cook)