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Widowed at 31, 4 yrs later and still a mess

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by nat85, Apr 15, 2021.

  1. nat85

    nat85 New Member

    Hi all of you fellow survivors.
    I lost my beloved husband 4 years ago on christmas season as we were responsibly taking a taxi after a party and a random drunk crossed a red light and slammed into us(the irony). He was sitting on the side of the impact and took most of the hit which probably saved my life, tho I had a few fractures and internal bleeding I told the paramedics I only had a dislocated shoulder so i could be in the ambulance with him, 1 hour and 53 minutes later going from hospital to hospital as there were no beds available he died of blood in his lungs causing a heart attack, he was only 46. He was a teacher, a vegan and had donated blood and saved a person that day. We had jsut moved to a third world country and didnt have our marriage papers in order so had to call his mother from england to get his body out of the morgue, she kept saying "that is not my boy". With my cast and wheelchair, I went throught the trial convicting the drunk to jail for manslaughter for 10 years, I still kept working in international cooperation saving and impacting lives though nobody saved my beloved's, I went to intense psychological treatment for years and refused antidepressants, I have exercised and studied and done everything that the books tell you to.
    It has been four years, I have moved countries and have a new boyfriend who will be my husband soon probably, but guess what? Im still a fking mess. the pain is not as frequent, but the same, whoever said with time pain goes away LIED. I have completely changed as a person, cant sleep still and rely on pills to rest to keep me functioning. I dream of him frequently and wake up and cry quietly in the bathroom or shower. I try to delve myself into work but the more I block, the stronger the next wave is. I was told that in 3 years Id be feeling normal, i understand grief is complex and perhaps it is complicated grief but the struggle to fight depression and sadness is constant and exhausting. I wish sometimes I was taken with him and I get angry at him for leaving me (when it was anything but his fault.) My friends who were 100% there at the beginning dont even want to hear about it, and I have lost many. My family just wants to talk about the new boyfriend as if that is what is the missing factor in the formula. The only thing I havent done is join a support group, perhaps that is the missing factor?? any ideas are welcome!
     
    CNikkiE and Kata like this.
  2. Kata

    Kata Active Member

    Hi nat85. I’ve taken a long break since I last posted so perhaps it’s too late to reply, but your story sounds like a horror show. It’s hard enough to lose your husband. I lost mine in 2019. Right after he died every little snag would have me in tears. I’m in a different phase now. The loss is no longer a fresh wound. But I still have trouble sleeping, lack of appetite, mysterious stomach ailments and back pain that never goes away. This is how I grieve…I tend to push my emotions down and they do a number on my body. Here’s the things I’ve tried for the insomnia:
    -psychiatrist and meds: I see her weekly. She helps me figure out what’s happening to me emotionally cuz emotional unawareness is making me physically sick. It’s a lifetime pursuit. She gives me meds for sleep that are also anti-anxiety. She said the ones that are only for sleep can be habit forming, and lose their effectiveness over time (like caffeine). I am living proof of another thing she said: there’s no pill that can put you to sleep if your mind overrules. -So I’ve tried Yoga, tai chi, meditation, massage. For me those can help, but as long as my mind protests, nothing will make the insomnia go away.
    You see, I am scared to go to bed without him, scared to be alone in the house at night. I have no timeline as to when or if I’ll stop being afraid.

    I was deeply depressed and it took everything I had to fight it and come back. It flipped to anxiety but I’ll take that any day over depression. Things I do to avoid the downward spiral:
    -I made a bucket list of fun things to do in the future (if I start to slip and not want to see tomorrow I’m hoping it will bring me back to the living)
    -Keep my weekly psych appointments
    -Keep in touch with supportive friends and family. When I get depressed the first thing I do is shut everybody out. And if they stop wanting to help ease your pain they’ve proved their uselessness.
    -Search for self help seminars, support groups, internet articles on whatever is troubling me most at the moment.
    -Sharing really helps me. People say to journal, but I get bored talking to myself.
    -Go out to meals with friends (helps with the appetite thing).

    All we can do is keep trying. I do the kitchen sink approach and see if anything sticks. What keeps me going is the thought of my husband and how he cried every day after he knew he had terminal cancer. How could I not keep trying to live the best life I could when he showed me how important life meant to him.

    So sometimes bad things happen and we’re a mess for however long it takes to heal.

    I was damaged goods (abused) before I married my husband, and he still wanted me anyway. Thank god for unconditional love.