Why me and not someone else?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by David Hughes, May 25, 2020.

  1. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone!

    I wanted you to understand some more about me. When I look back over my life I have often wondered why I am still here today. Why me and not someone else?

    It all starts as a young boy. My sister Marcia and I were in Banger making our way to the Soap Box Derby being held there. We both came to a divided road, each two lanes in either direction. Like a fool, I watched the traffic or so I thought I did. The roadway had a hill at the top. So without telling my sister I sprinted into the road, passing the first two lanes and just missed getting hit by a car in the 2nd set of lanes. Sure, Marcia yelled at me, but my heart raced and that was my first brush with a close call. It could have gone so badly, and we never told our parents.

    I was chased by a group of six boys still a young boy. They cornered me and beat the living crap out of me. But it taught me to be more wary of life and its’ dangers. As I grew, I started getting bulkier, more muscular, and kids stopped chasing me and left me alone. But I never looked to ever taking revenge, as it served no purpose for me.

    So I took up baseball with my best friend, both of us pitchers and hitters. We would play homerun derby as we pitched to each other. We joined the same teams as a package deal, we played together and grew up together. In short we did everything together.

    Then one day David, also my name, his younger brother died, and then his father. Sure I tried to console him, but his family needed his help now for whatever he could do. My best friend and I slowly grew apart, due to life. You think time as it passes takes so many memories away, but I will never forget our times together, even after he moved away.

    I shall skip some deaths to keep my intent of ‘Why me and not someone else? As I grew, we moved from one neighborhood to another. I acquired a paper route about 1.5 miles long. So each day I would wake at 4 am, collect my papers and deliver to all my customers.

    One day I would learn a man had stabbed the milkman on my route. The milkman would deliver milk in glass bottles in them days. Not sure if it was before or after I had passed that area and finished my route but it happened while I was on my paper route. I never found out how bad the milkman was injured only that my mother told me to be extremely careful that early in the morning.

    Many more deaths would occur in my life, some close, some related. When I ask, ‘Why me and not someone else? I believe in fate and that we are destined for a purpose, and our lives are already written in the annals of time.

    Looking back, when my grandfather had his heart attack. I was 10. He asked me to get his shotgun and shoot him, he was in so much pain. There was no 911 at that time. I panicked, ran out of the house, as grandmother was in town shopping.

    I ran from house to house, yelling, pounding on the doors. It was not till the 4th house an adult answered my cries and helped my grandfather. If I had been fishing on the shore, or outside playing I may not have been there to run for help. I say I was supposed to be inside the house that day.

    Forward, we were visiting my dad’s parents in Bangor. We had an old car with a strap that was attached to the back of the front bench seat. Dad would drive a bit too fast. My two sisters and I were sitting behind my parents.

    Dad came to a hill, and the door I was sitting at opened. I had the window half down. I was propelled holding onto the door window outside the car a bit. Dad, was amazing. He reached behind him, grabbed the open door with me on it, and pulled it shut. I never forget that day, that moment, and how dad saved me.

    There were other incidents too numerous to mention. As an adult. During my 2nd tour in Vietnam. I worked in a communications van along with others. We worked shift work. I had just got off work about an hour and a half. A 122 rocket hit my work van killing https://www.virtualwall.org/dd/DewRE01a.htm His name is on the Vietnam Wall with others I know. Three others were wounded.

    I still have memories of that day, the death of my coworker. I guess I was lucky it happened after I left work. I did lose one other friend from high school that same tour, my 2nd. He also is on the same Vietnam Wall but for privacy I will not post that name. It is a time that is etched in my memory forever.

    Many other deaths happened, as life moves forward. Now to the passing of my father. He was my hero in life. I will never be able to say enough. When he was told of his stage 4 lung cancer on Vallentine's Day, he passed from it two days later. He never told me, or my sisters, just my older brother. There are days I resent knowing that knowledge.

    So I took care of mom after dad asked me, but with so much going on in my life, married, 2 sons, going to school, part-time job, taking care of mom, everything just came crashing down one day.

    Nadine had made my favorite meal. But as I ate it I forgot to chew my food, swallowed, and started choking. Nadine, now nurse trained, expelled the food that day. But as fate would have it I had two more choking episodes, and again she expelled it the 2nd time, but was only able to clear my airway enough so I could breathe. I got rushed to the emergency room. They removed the food, and again I was to live another day. So Nadine had saved me 3 times.

    Fast forward to us moving from Maine, to Florida for 11 years. After one year we learned Nadine had cancer. This lasted for 10 years, but to be honest she had been sick off and on too much in the past that it just was not normal.

    Over the course of the 10 years we had 4 different insurance companies due to her main company having so many healthcare costs they had to shop for other insurers. We always reached our limit with each.

    Nadine also had been on the Liver transplant list 3 times and worked her way to the top once, but cancer would always take that hope finally away on the 3rd time. So, When I ask, ‘Why me and not someone else? I believe I know I had been destined to be here with Nadine each step of the way.

    If I had passed from those close occurrences of mine I could not have helped my grandfather, my wife, made it out of Vietnam and be here for both of my sons to face life forward.

    My youngest has told me on multiple occasions he has thought of suicide for many reasons, his mom, his bullying when he was younger, if either me or his brother were to pass. My oldest has said when he overheard his mom beg for her life to the insurance company on one phonecall, he died that day, and no longer cared for life anymore.

    Sure life and death has taken me places I hate to think about. One of the toughest things each of us faces after loss is how to go forward. I still believe I am a little bit touched by death, meaning depression is lurking but not yet taken control of me anymore. My emotions vacillate so easily. But that is ok with me. When I am ready, I will ask my doctor if I need to be treated again. I just know I will be the rock my sons' search for, each and every day. I pray each day, for them, for me, and for all you who lost someone in life.

    Peace to you all.


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  2. Jonathan5757

    Jonathan5757 Well-Known Member

    David your the man. You been through so much brother and look at character it built you. Your for sure one of the strongest men I know. You know how to talk to people in such way. This elegance you have with dealing with such matters, because you have been through it, walked a mile in my shoes. You truly relate and people see that and gravitated towards it.I truly Thank God for putting you in my path brother.
    May we all be with our Loved ones in due time Forever in place of perfect peace and beauty.As for God plan is much larger and grander then we could ever conceive. Keep on keep on my brother. Thankyou for the shoulder to lean on as we all need help from time too time...Thank you brother truly from bottom of my heart Thankyou David.

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  3. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    Hi David,

    Amazing testimony, thanks for sharing! I know that each time we reminisce to those areas of our lives we make ourselves somewhat vulnerable to opening up those old wounds. However, it is you and others here that help us newbies find our way.

    Each one of us discovered this site seeking peace, comfort and another person who understands what we are feeling. The common denominator is grief and if I can help one person the way you, Paul and Robin have helped me; then, it’s well worth each scar.

    I, too, have often wondered - why me and not someone else. My resounding answer is because it is my destiny. I have certain things to do before I leave this world. Once my work here is done, then I get the reward of my faith.

    My heart goes out to you and your sons. The one that has contemplated suicide has deep wounds. The loss of his mother coupled with past bullying is a lot for a young man. The other son, hearing his mom basically barter for her very life, extremely heartbreaking. I can understand both feelings from the prospective of losing a parent albeit my dad. I pray that God gives you the strength and determination to be the rock that both of your sons need. You are strong and you will be that beacon in the dark.

    Wishing you the best!

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  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing. Sharing our private trials and tribulations isn’t always easy. You’re giving us a look into your personal life of ups and downs, thoughts, family life from a young age to current. And how you've managed each step of the way. You have been a rock for many people in your life and I know you’ll help your sons every step of the way and get them any help they may need. And for yourself as well.
    God Bless! Stay healthy,
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  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

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  6. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    David, thank you for taking the time out to share.
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