Why do I still feel like this?

I'm new to this site, but I thought I'd try talking (or typing) about what's on my mind. In alot of ways I feel like I souldn't still be grieving. The losses in my life happened in 2010 and 2011.

The firt one happen July 2010, Whe a friend of mine who was a few months older than me (I was 12, She was 13.) died of one of the many health problems she had. I greived for a while, and still got sad if I thought about it, but it wasn't consuming.

A few months pass, I turn thirteen, life seems to be going well enough. Then on December 18 (I remember, because it was a week from Christmas.) my mother died from what my dad said was heart failure (more on that later.). I was unconsolable. I hid in my room, I screamed at anyone who dared try to check on me, I didn't get out of bed for two days(excluding one midnight bathroom trip). I don't remember much for awhile. I have a few memories, Having to take the present I had got for her out from under the tree a few days later (I still have it, sitting wrapped in my closet), my dad macking some toast about her on Christmas day, braking into silent sobs in my reading class when school started back up and we read some story about a boy whos mother had recently died, but for the most part, nothing.

One thing to note is that my mother didn't live with us. She was very sick, physicaly and mentaly, and wasn't around as much as I would have liked. Sometimes we wouldn't hear from her in months, and even today I have a hard time truely believing that she won't just walk in as though she hadn't been gone any longer than normal. One thing I don't think I will ever forgive my dad for is not letting me and my siblings to go to her funeral.( More on that later.) I think it might have helped make it more real, helped me cope. The house I lived in held, me, my sister, my brother, my dad, my gradma and grandpa(dads parents), and my uncle (dads brother). My dad had been there on and off my whole life like my mom, only instead of not knowing where he was we knew he was in jail. So, the others were there constanly and my parents were not.

Anyway, back to the point. Time passed as it tends to do, even if it seems wrong for it to, and 2011 arived. My uncle, the one who lived with me, had been sick for awhile, the doctors finally found that it wa liver cancer too advanced to treat. He wound up in hospice care at our house. He died in late January. I remember hiding in my room after he died when they came to take his body. I did go to his funeral. This is the area that is the most fuzzy, I have almost no memories of the entire rest of 2011. It was like I was in a trance.

The next solid memory I have is in March of that year, when after getting in the car after school one day my dad told my sister and me that our grandpa (the one that lived with us) had died. He was a chain smoking diabedic in his 70s, he died of natural causes. The next solid memory is of his funeral. I spent much of 2011-2012 in a fog, and I don't remember much them, but by 2013 I thought I had myself pretty well put back together. But sometimes something happens and I just that crushing weight again. Things like after I would fight with my dad because I refused to celebrate his mother on mother day, or their birthdays, or death anaverseries, or someone wears Mamas favorite perfume, or I hear a song they loved. Or when I found out that dad had lied to us about how Mama had died, she had overdoseded, not died of heart failure. Or when I fould out that HE had gone to her funeral and lied about it, saying we couldn't go because we didn't have a way to get there. But sometimes it's nothing, they just pop into my head and I feel the grief as if it were still new.

I don't know maybe getting this out there is going to help. I grew up in a very "cry and I'll give you something to cry about" kind of house, so I find it hard to express negative emotions outloud.

 

Thank you griefic.

 

Hi Mimzv,
First, know that you made a significant impact on me just by stepping up and putting yourself out there to get help!! Here I am 53 years old (a a supposedly “mature” adult) who is just now reaching out for help. Yes, as Griefic stated, you have experienced so much at a very young age, but you are handling it in the right way. This is my first attempt to do the same. In a strange way, I feel I am still a young girl coping with loss since I have never faced it/owned it nor have I dealt with it in healthy ways. You keep coping in a positive manner and I will follow your example!! Thanks for taking that first step))).