Where are you from?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by griefic, Jul 25, 2017.

  1. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing your story, yes, that decision is the hardest to make. My husband was on a vent several times, his first hospital stay was for about 90 days total, much of the first 60 days in ICU or intermediate care, 30 days in rehab, there were other hospital stays also. It's heart wrenching to watch a loved one decline. And many times the doctors forget about the people sitting bedside. Your husband, just like mine wanted you to be strong, mine told me one time when he thought it was all too much, that he'd be better off dead, and that I should carry on for the two of us. Of course I didn't want any part of that. This isn't easy. I did here of this thing called "Camp Widow" they have one day pop up sessions and also a whole weekend I may go one of these days, Google it and check it out.

    I too would have been married 30 years this September, and we dated for several years before that. This loss is like losing a limb. I keep telling myself as hard as this is, we became a part of each other, his imprint on this world resides in me. I know there are many days it doesn't feel real, it's still too soon, he passed just last month. I don't think we're meant to get over it, they were too important to us, I think we're meant to carry them in their absence. Keep sharing your stories, on here and with friends. Keep his memory alive.
     
  2. erinsmomforever20

    erinsmomforever20 New Member

    .... im from south jersey. this summer will be 2 years my daughter has been gone. some say its suppose to get easier. it hasnt for me. depressed and miserable. somedays are better then others.
     
  3. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your loss. losing a child they say is among the hardest. I hoped for a long lift for my husband and also didn't want to see his mom suffer that loss. She lost her husband a few years before that. My sister also first lost her husband in his early 40s and then her son in his mid 30s some years later. So difficult for both of them. We expect to lose our parents, we also expect a spouse, but we don't expect a child. I believe there is a loss of child thread on here I hope that can provide some comfort.
     
  4. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    Well, the Chiefs won the Super Bowl. My husband has been gone for four weeks now. We had plans for this weekend, last night we were supposed to go listen to a band that he loved at a Blues bar, and today we were supposed to watch the Super Bowl together. The weather was beautiful, and he would have loved that. I miss him so much and feel cheated that I couldn't share in the joy of a wonderful weekend together. I love him, and know he watched the game from Heaven. I wish he could have been here with me though. The hurt I feel will never go away.
     
  5. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel, I went out Saturday evening to watch some live music for the first since my wife passed. It was very difficult and sad, I know she would have loved the outing. The hurt will turn into happy memories at some point, not sure when but it has to !!?? Dan
     
  6. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    kathahn, was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing. Sorry the day was bittersweet for you, I think what Dan said has some merit at some point, etc. I also understand what you mean by feeling cheated. I think I mentioned that on other threads and I know I have to friends. He worked so hard all his life to have just retired a few weeks before going in the hospital, he was just still wrapping up things and had to go in. This would have been our time. He said he was looking forward to Spring and doing the garden again having the time to do it at a slower pace, and rode trips, we used to do those together many years ago before we got all busy with our businesses. I'm grateful that he loved his business, mainly the people not the paperwork, so he had that at least he didn't hate his job.

    We think of the things they would have loved to be doing and how they loved us. Any loss is hard, when it comes untimely I think it's harder because of the time lost.
     
  7. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    When my dad passed in '95 he had just retired and had his tickets bought to go visit Australia, he never got there. Now my wife has passed at 61, we had many plans for retirement which will never be realized, the old cliche " tomorrow is not promised " is so true. I'm so sorry you and your sweetheart never got the chance to live your retirement dreams, all we can do is try learn from this and live life to the fullest before our time comes.
     
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  8. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    So true, it's good to plan, but we have to strike a balance. My dad did the same, worked hard, planned and saved, passed in his mid 50s. Trips not taken big plans or even small ones at home, a balance. Some days I think I should be out doing something, I'm having the day alive that he isn't, but yet I can't seem to get myself off the couch and stop crying. I know it's not what he would want, but I can't help it. I guess in due time, it's still so recent.

    What were some of you and your wife's plans? Can you do some in her honor? I may plant a small garden, nothing big it was really his thing, I'm not sure yet. Some things make me sad other things I'm okay with. None of it makes sense. I didn't watch any of the shows we would watch together while he was in the hospital, just can't. I wish none of us were going through this, but then again, I wouldn't want him to go through this.

    I like your positivity, learning to live life the fullest.
     
  9. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member


    Yes striking a balance is wise, I don't want to be eating cat food in my retirement because I spent to much before my time comes :) but I have to say the needle has moved because of Cathi's passing, don't wait to live life. Our plans were to buy a travel van and tour the USA and Canada and spend the rest of our time at our little house on the lake playing with the grandkids and enjoying retirement. Traveling alone wouldn't be the same, I'm hoping that with time I'll be able to entertain the thought of finding a new partner, doesn't seem possible at this point but I loved being a team for 40 years. I do believe everyone on this site can find happiness down the road and still remember and cherish the lives we had before our world was ripped apart.
     
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  10. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Sounds like some lovely plans. I have a diesel pusher, we were going to go cross country with it National Parks, after his stroke I thought to big. He didn't have many deficits after the stroke, but driving was a challenge. By car would have been fine, we also had bought a few acres on the Mississippi River to build on it was to be built on when he dad was alive for family fishing trips, his dad got ill and passed, then my mom did the same over a span of six years, in this time the nieces and nephews became teens. So we thought who's going to use it? Then he was hospitalized the first time so we never did anything with it. I have no interest in being out there alone. Looks like I'll sell it, nothing valuable, I think we overpaid so probably will take a loss. Nice that you have a house on the lake and your grandkids to enjoy it with.

    I agree on the cat food, I just replaced my vehicle the other day. Bought used, not going to spend money on a depreciating asset. I would have kept it if it didn't need work, it was a '08 and with what I needed to do to it was too much. Of course, if my husband were here he would have fixed it, before owning our shop or really his shop he trained to be a mechanic. So balance is correct, I'm not a fancy foodie, but cat food isn't on the menu.

    Funny about the new partner thing, I was surprised that my mother inlaw said, you're still young maybe you'll meet someone? That thought seems overwhelming to me, I find it hard to believe that anyone could love me that much. However, I'll admit, I too loved being part of a team, someone to share what happened in your day with. Found myself thinking can't wait to tell him about this, then realized that wasn't possible. It's true, we don't forget the ones that have left us.
     
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  11. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    I was off work today, and did absolutely nothing. I have so many things to take care of regarding his death, but don't want to do anything. I feel frozen at times. He has been gone a month now, and I am having a very difficult time dealing with this. I cry a lot, and feel so overwhelmed. I wish I could talk to him one more time, hold his hand, tell him I love him. I just feel like crap and wish he was still here. I feel so bad for him that he died at only 54, that he will never reap the rewards of a lifetime of hard work, never see our son graduate from college, or meet his grandchildren. Today was as difficult as the day he passed away, and sometimes I don't feel like I can make it through this. I just miss him, everything about him, the good things, the annoying things, everything.
     
  12. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member


    I believe we're wired not to feel the whole impact of losing our loved one all at once, so we protect ourselves by being in shock for a while and a day like yesterday is you allowing more of that pain in because you're starting to come to grips with this new reality. I know the sadness of your sweetheart not being able to see the landmarks life offers us, 54 is too young, it is so overwhelming and sad !! You'll get to the things that need to be taken care of, don't beat yourself up, you WILL get through this, we all will. Dan
     
  13. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    Your retirement plans sound similar to what we had planned, it's so sad to think they won't be here to live out the dreams we shared for our golden years together. I hear you on wanting to tell him about whats happened that day, we used to commute to the city together and I loved picking her up at the end of the day and sharing the daily events on the drive home, it has left an empty feeling now that I'm making the drive home alone, I miss her so much. Well here's another day I've started off with tears,thanks for letting me rant. Dan
     
  14. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Rant away! Do you sometimes feel as if when you do rant to friends they just don't get it or are tired of it? I really don't understand what they expect? I was with him for 37 years he's been gone not even 2 months, it's going to take time before I sound like I make any sense to them. Meanwhile, I think they're the ones that aren't being normal. They say tears have healing chemicals, a good thing. I start my day off with them too, it's hard to get up in the morning, I don't want to because it's the start to another day without him.
     
  15. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I think it's hard for people to listen to because they really don't understand what we're going through, they ask how I'm doing but really don't want to hear the answer and usually change the subject quickly. I'm very lucky to have a son who is a manager of Hospice in a town near me, he really seems to get what I'm going through and is informed as to what people in our situation are dealing with. I don't want to burden him with the grief as I know he too has lost his Mom but he insists our conversations help him too. I do have a couple of friends who have been terrific in calling me to see how I'm doing and they come from out of town to visit and will listen and offer support, not sure how I'd be dealing with this if I didn't have this support. I've been reading a book on the grieving process which is helping and I've signed up for the Ride for Cancer which is a two day bike ride of 200km ( 130 miles ) in June held annually to support Cancer research at a Toronto hospital, it is helping me to get off the couch and get moving because if I don't this old fart just might not make it to the end !!?? It is giving me the feeling of doing something so others might not have to go through this loss down the road, we all need to find ways to learn to live with this heartbreak...Dan
     
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  16. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Dan, that sounds wonderful, the ride for life. Turning your grief into help for others. A good support system helps. we were considering a move to get away from winter, while I can do that now I can't imagine being ripped away from my support system. It's hard enough to be at home alone, to be in a new local alone, not ready. Having your son managing a hospice is a great resource, and it's good of you to remember he is grieving too.

    That's an impressive ride, 130M. You'll need to get off the couch and train for that. I've become good friends with my couch lately, although I've started up my workout routine again, it's a barre class and I've made some friends there. It's a good thing because they get me out, I'll get a text from one or the other, asking if I'm going and at what time. I started doing the classes a couple of years ago to help with stress, then there were times when Mark was in the hospital I'd have to suspend going, couldn't work it in to the schedule. A few people noticed my absence, when I came back they asked and learned about our situation, they were supportive. When I disappeared this last time and they heard he passed they really stepped up. One of them so much so, she came to the wake, service and with me when I picked up his ashes. I really haven't known her for that long before this, some people are truly wonderful. Getting through those days would have been so much worse without her, I'm thankful. Having a couple of good friends to pull you through is priceless.

    June will be here before you know it, will your son be doing the ride with you?
     
  17. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member


    See you too are making baby steps towards recovery by starting a workout routine, thats awesome !! Yes my son will be doing the ride with me in memory of his Mom...
     
  18. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Baby steps is the only thing I can handle. It's wonderful that your son is joining you, my father inlaw worked at my husband's shop for a few years before he got ill, when his dad went into the hospital and wasn't able to come in anymore, it was so sad, they had such a good time together.
     
  19. Wil!

    Wil! New Member

    Here is why I joined this site. People mean well, but they just do not understand it. They have their own lives, and even my kids do not know the extreme stress that I hid in a 20 year period. I now work several jobs just to keep busy and to pay the bills. The final loss was last summer, but in reality the man I married had been gone for nearly 20 years. I kept trying to figure out ways to fix him, until the last doctor we had said, I know you want to fix him, but he is unfixable. I finally accepted it.
    Thanks everyone for listening to the ole gal from Oklahoma
     
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  20. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Wil, I'm sorry you had to hear it that way. You've gone through so much, while you and many of us couldn't fix things, you and the rest of us were there for our loved ones, because we loved them we have to remember we did this best that we could have. I too struggle with the questions, the what ifs and why didn't I?

    All we can do is try to move forward, honor them by living. I know my husband would want that for me, as I would for him. We hurt because we loved hard, we cared. I've read that we hold onto our grief because it attaches us to the one we lost, and that we have to learn that living doesn't mean we lose that attachment. Learning that is hard, I've been trying.

    Keep sharing your story and memories.