Where are you from?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by griefic, Jul 25, 2017.

  1. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I know your heart is broken, and your daughter being so young makes it especially difficult.

    My husband has been gone for 2 weeks, and I am certainly struggling. I doesn't seem real. My heart is shattered.
  2. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    hrxumwalt, so sorry for your loss. Please share more if/when you feel up to it.

    kathahn, Good day to you, same as you Sunday's was his only day off, well sort of he could have taken off being the owner, but he was dedicated to his business. He liked football, but not avidly he watch if the Bears were competitive which meant not that often. We'd watch other teams, he would joke to see some good football. He mainly liked science shows stuff on planets and nature. While intubated the staff put college ball on, I changed it to Animal Planet, told them if he's hearing this it's bugging him because he didn't watch college ball.

    It doesn't seem real, is right. I just keep saying I want my husband home, I sound like a spoiled child that refuses to understand.
  3. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    I wish I could share in his happiness with the Chiefs going to the Superbowl. He had been waiting for that for a very long time. He was off the ventilator when the Chiefs played the Bears, he was confused, and thought it was a Saturday night game instead of Sunday night. Although he was disappointed, we ended up watching some Food Network shows. He was really looking forward to watching that game. Early Sunday morning he experienced ICU delirium and had to be heavily sedated, his heart rate was over 130. When my son and I came to see him he barely recognized us. He was so out of it. I came back around 7 pm and turned the game on, he was asleep the entire time, and it broke my heart. It breaks my heart he won't be here to watch them play in the Superbowl, I would have loved to see him so happy with that, but will just have to take comfort in knowing he is watching from Heaven. Spoiled children or not, we want our husbands, our best friends back!
  4. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Oh yes, ICU delirium I remember the first time, it's heartbreaking. My husband hated being there, he'd go from that to being responsive and calling me every 15-20 minutes all night long begging me to pick him up. I feel horrible now because this was going on all night and I ended up telling him I was turning off the phone. I was so tired and needed to sleep so I could be there during the day. Now I have more silence than I could ever want. The delirium is such a sad side effect along with everything else going on. I kept showing him pictures of the house, garden and dog to try to get him to remember. He sometimes did and it would click.

    I'm sorry he won't get to watch the Superbowl with you, I remember the excitement here in Chicago when the Bears won, we met in 83 so we were dating a couple of years at that point. Little did we know it would be the only one we'd see. At least now I have a reason to root for KC, I'll be thinking of you. We watched the Bulls avidly during the Jordan era, it was a fun time.

    I hope you had a good day today, mine was mixed I was doing pretty good until I went to my workout class and one of the ladies asked me how my husband was doing. She knew he had be ill on/off, I know she meant well but it sent me crashing back. Another day of me saying to myself, "you should be here."
  5. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    The Chiefs will take all the support they can get, it's been 50 years since they have won a Superbowl! I think everyone was watching the Bulls during the Jordon era as he is probably the best basketball player ever.

    I went back to work this week, and feel it's been very good for me. I needed a reason to get out of the house and be around others. My co-workers have been wonderful. I am dreading the day when someone that doesn't know asks about him, I know I will lose it, and am sorry that happened to you. I know it will be difficult to say the words out loud that he's gone, just a reminder of the finality of it all.

    I know he is gone, but sometimes think this is so unreal. I will always miss him. Enjoy your day, and stay warm. I guess it decided to get very cold, and am looking forward to spring!
  6. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Go Chiefs! People in Chicago regret that we didn't get Mahomes, and Gould back as our kicker, now that would be a team!

    I'm glad to hear that going back has been good and your coworkers are supportive. It's times like this I wish I wasn't just working for myself, I do have clients that I see but it's not the same as having an extended coworker family. I won't sugar coat it, that question is hard. Once again, I woke up with the you should be here feeling. My sister lost her husband way to early, he was in his early 40s. She's now engaged, she said the grief stays with her but in a different way. She seems happy, for now I can't see my being happy, or engaged, can't see anyone in my future.

    I'm looking forward to Spring too, he loved to garden. This would have been his first retired Spring for him to take his time and enjoy it, I think of that and get angry. My thoughts go to why couldn't he have had even a few extra years to enjoy what he worked so hard for.
  7. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    Yes, Mahomes is awesome! Humble, super-talented guy!

    I am happy for your sister that she is engaged, that is great! Her husband who passed away will always have a special place in her heart and be loved by her. I don't ever see myself getting married again, or even dating, and that's ok.

    The weather here is awful today, it's icy, cold and dreary. The change of seasons will be welcome!

    Yesterday was pretty tough for me as I kept thinking of Pete. I cried a lot and miss him so much. I also found myself being very angry with him for leaving me. I would give anything to have him back!
  8. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I agree I can't see it for me either.

    Good to hear that I'm normal, I get angry at him for leaving too. Have to laugh at the irony, things are breaking around the house I couldn't get either snowblower started, they worked last year, car is running rough and passenger bulbs out. He handled this stuff. We used to own a car repair shop. I'm somewhat handy, but haven't had to be in years. I started doing the lawn mowing and snow removal after 2015 when he had his stroke because it was too much for him.

    I understand the crying, I do it too. I'm sure we'd both give or do anything to have them back.
  9. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    Two weeks ago today I was getting ready for his funeral service. It feels like a lifetime ago, or like it never happened. There are so many sad reminders: the day I took him to ER, the day of cardiac arrest, the day he had to be put back on ventilator, the time and date of his death, his funeral, his cremation.

    I went out with a friend last night after work, talked about him a lot and cried. I know he is gone, but am having a difficult time accepting this.

    Today the dreary weather matches my mood perfectly.
  10. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean by saying it seems like it never happened. I keep expecting him to be at work and on his way home, or when I'm out I expect him to be home upon my arrival. The two week mark didn't get me, the one month anniversary did.

    I'm worried that my friends are getting tired of my going on and on about it. I keep thinking that maybe I should have let them try if he coded again, maybe kept the meds up to keep his blood pressure from crashing. All that second guessing coming in since he always bounced back before, then I go back to what they told me his prognosis would be, and I know he wouldn't have wanted that. But just like you all I want is him back.

    The weather, yeah it stinks here too.
  11. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    I know that about expecting him to come through the front door. I keep expecting him to do that, then I realize it's never going to happen, which is heartbreaking.

    I keep thinking too about what if. What if he could have been left on ventilator a little longer. What if we could have done the trachiostomy and feeding tube once the blood clot in his left lung dissolved. What if he was able to get heart transplant. I was told he would probably spend the rest of his life in nursing homes and hospitals, and know he wouldn't have wanted that.

    I hope you have a great day. We will always love our husbands and miss them. Hopefully we can take comfort in knowing we did everything we could to get them better, and they know that too.
  12. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    No, I think no one wants to end up in a constant circle of medical treatment. We had done a lot of that since 2015, a couple of his friends told me how he feared that. His dad was on a vent for seven months after he had an LVAD put in. They told his dad that he was too old for a transplant, so I thought we were on this early enough, he said just a few weeks before going into the hospital, "I need a new heart." I said let's start that process and then he got sick, he started to retain water (heart failure) we concentrated so much on his heart that we didn't realize that his lung disease progressed. We were told he lungs were better, well they had gotten better at times from a fluid standpoint, but getting stiffer. The already sick heart had to work even harder to get blood to the lungs. I just really thought we were on the rebound, the day before he was talking and PT had sat him up at the side of the bed. I was told he had to be better for a heart/lung transplant and I was ready to help him do the work, get to rehab. I felt we were going to get there.

    You're right we were in there fighting for them. I know people find get through, the human spirit is amazing. The other day my sister reminded me of a good friend of my mom's. She told me she has survived four husbands, I have no idea how that's even possible.
  13. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    I can't imagine having to go through all of that for the years that you both did. Pete finally went to the hospital when it was obviously too late and he was very sick. There was still hope that he would get better though. I will always wonder how this would have turned out if he would have let me take him sooner, or if he would have seen a doctor, something I nagged him about a lot. So many regrets at the end of the day. I find myself being angry with him for not taking better care of himself.

    Outliving 4 husbands sounds like something I could never go through. Going through that heartbreak once was enough for me, and I know I will never get close to someone again to keep that from happening. Watching my husband die for 10 hours once he was removed from life-support was absolutely awful. I could never go through that again.

    I hope you enjoy your weekend, and hopefully the weather will be a little nicer!
  14. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    It's been 7 weeks since we pulled my sweetheart off life support, I truly understand how awful that is. It took 5 hours for my wife to pass, I had my 2 sons and daughter in law in with me gathered around her bed, I couldn't have done it without them. It's hard not to play the what if game but I know we did all we could do and I know she wouldn't have wanted to kept alive by machine. Very difficult to get some images out of my head from that day but I have to believe time will allow happier memories to prevail. I hope the same for you. Dan
  15. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    What is it with men and doctors? I tried to get my husband to go sooner when this started years ago, and even after repeating the cycle he wouldn't want to go in. His employees would nag him, friends and of course me. A male acquaintance of mine sent me a message the other day about having a doctors appointment and cancelling it because he was afraid of what they'd find. He said he's feeling okay and eating better now. I told him to go, and that it's foolish. I didn't get into a whole discussion or ask questions. Just don't have it in me to worry about anyone else, not in that way at least. I too was angry with him, and then angry with me for being angry at him, angry with me for not cooking more, or better when I did. His family tells me that I'm being too hard on myself that he wasn't making these changes, I reply I should have helped more. I think I go there because I think he may still be here, and that's what I want.

    Dan, sorry to hear of your loss. Glad you weren't alone, my husband passed quickly once they stopped the meds that kept his pressure up. His sister and brother arrived shortly after. Oddly enough while I spent much time at the hospital alone, his cousin was a floor below he had surgery that day. Odd because they live at least 40+ miles across town, surely other hospitals closer. He was there, and the hospital almost rescheduled and then they told him to come in. So when I got the call late that night, I texted his cousin's wife who was spending the night there. I asked her to meet me in the room, so I wasn't alone with just the medical staff. How strange, they were one floor below practically in the same hall. I think my husband hung on and thought, good she's not alone. I never believed in stuff like this before, I do now. After I left that night I thought to myself, he's not alone his cousin and wife are there.

    I know for all of us that have been there it was the most difficult thing that we will have every done, however I know we wouldn't have missed it for the world. My husband would say to me, "I love you more than life itself." I would have given my life to take away all that he went through. I know logically that as they say no one gets out of this alive, but logic doesn't come into play at this time. And only people traveling this road get that. G.
    Bogman likes this.
  16. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    My son is visiting from college today, and that has lifted my spirits. My husband has been gone from us for 3 weeks, and I can't believe that. Still can't believe he is gone. I miss him so very much!

    I remember when he was off the vent for that brief time, asking him about going to the doctor sooner. He said he didn't want to find out anything was wrong with him. But now you're in the hospital, and something is very wrong is what I was thinking.

    Have a blessed Sunday. I hope your day is good to you!
  17. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Kathahn, so good to hear your spirits are being lifted with your son visiting, you can support each other. We all will be saying we can't believe they're gone, and having them by our side is all we want.

    Blessings to you and your family.
  18. Cancersucks

    Cancersucks New Member

    I live in Minnesota
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  19. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Welcome to you Cancersucks, while my husband didn't have cancer, my brother inlaw passed from it some years ago, as well as my mom. Yes, it does suck.
    Sorry that you're needing to be here. Tell us more if you feel up to it.
  20. Cancersucks

    Cancersucks New Member

    My husband passed away on may 25 2019 from esophguseal cancer we would have been married 30 in march he left me with 2 kids 15 and 12 and a 200 acre farm. My kids and I had to make the final decision to remove him from life support that was a very hard and emotional choice for us. The kids and I were with him when he passed he went very peacefully but was very hard to watch and very hard to be strong for my kids which to this day I'm still strong for my kids. When my husband was 1st diagnosed he told me I had to be the strong one for all of us and I'm trying but its getting harder and harder each day. I spent 18 days in the hospital with my husband recovering from cancer suguary them do to complications he had to go back to the hospital I was there with him when I could be I went thru alot of hard scary stuff with him medically alot of behind the scenes stuff that mo one else experienced so I mentally suffer from that as well. Don't no if I will ever get over it I'm definitely a different person from this loss dont no if I'll ever get back to the same old me. My kids have also changed alot. Thanks for having this group where I live there are no suppot group for widows that I have found.