Where are you from?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by griefic, Jul 25, 2017.

  1. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    I'm from Kansas City, MO. My husband passed away one week ago today. I took him to ER on 12/10/19, and less than 4 weeks later we lost him. We miss him so much!
     
    griefic likes this.
  2. glego

    glego Member

    Chicago, IL
     
  3. glego

    glego Member

    So sorry for your loss, my husband passed just a month ago. I understand you're missing him.
     
    kathahn likes this.
  4. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    I am sorry for your loss; the holidays will never be the same.
     
  5. glego

    glego Member

    No day will every be the same, he was a morning person so I would listen for him making noise in the kitchen in the morning. Making breakfast and hearing the coffee beans grind, now just silence. So far all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and think if I could only hit a reset button and have him here. I'm sure we all want the same, life without the other part of us doesn't make any sense.
     
  6. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    I know. My husband was always at work by 6:30 am. He would always try to be quiet not to wake me. I keep thinking he will come home, and I so wish for that. The nearly 4 weeks I spent visiting him in the ICU seems unreal, as does his death. My heart is broken, and I will always miss him.
     
  7. glego

    glego Member

    I'm sorry you had to do the ICU thing. I went through that several times. His longest stay was 2 months, then recently 43 days, I didn't count this one when he passed, he had been ill on/off since 2015. People knew me at the hospital. It's just a stressful environment, for everyone. I had people tell me, you know he was real sick, he has been in/out before. No, you still don't expect it, matter of fact I felt he'll bounce back he has before. I was trying to get him evaluated for a heart/lung transplant.

    People also ask if I'm okay, no I will never be okay, I feel I will go on we have no choice and I know my husband would want me to be happy, and I'm willing to bet all our spouses would want that, I know I would want that for him. But for now, it's just so difficult. And there will always be someone missing.
     
  8. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    So sorry you had to do the ICU thing on several occasions. I thought I would bring him home, his drs. told me he would get better. Then he kept having setbacks. We also talked about the possibility of a heart transplant. Most of the time he was there, he was on a ventilator. He would get a little better, then worse. After talking to his cardiologist I had to make decision to remove the ventilator, and he died 10 hours later. My son and I were there the whole time, and hope that gave him comfort. We love and miss him very much.
     
  9. glego

    glego Member

    Sorry you had to make that decision, a tough one. I had to make the what if he codes decision. He had coded a month before and was brought back, in retrospect it was a sign, I was in denial. After all I have a friend that coded and is alive and doing well. The illnesses went on for too long, just one was enough but the heart and the lungs both, in time it just wore him out. He also was on a vent, but just for light support at the time of his death, he had been on multiple times before.

    Was your husband ill for some time with his heart condition? I know your being there was of comfort, I've been told hearing is the last sense we have at the end. I was there also, I'm so glad that the doctor on that night called me in time for me to get there, so glad that he didn't go alone. I did call his siblings but they made it just after as they live a distance from the hospital, while I was just a few miles away. I know it's difficult being faced with nothing more you can do. I asked those questions, if he codes and you bring him back what's the prognosis? They said his organs were failing, and brain function would be questionable. I had his brother on speaker, his brother is a doctor and he and I both came up with this was the time. He didn't code, but was on all sorts of meds to keep his BP up, soon as they stopped the meds he was gone, it was rapid, his BP was in the 40s and they want mid 60s, so this time he just couldn't bounce back.

    As I said, for me just over a month. It is now sinking in that he won't be coming home, up to now it's just been disbelief and shock. I know we all have separate time tables here, however the path is similar and my hope for you is you get through it, it's not easy. It seems it's all hard. A friend of mine yesterday said that he knows that he would not want to see me hurting, I believe that is pretty universal and your husband would feel the same.
     
  10. Nbrown2237

    Nbrown2237 Member

    My parents and all their siblings along with my brother are all Red Eddies! Was just looking at my dads year book the other day.
     
  11. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    He probably had a weak heart most of his life, but didn't know it. Even though he had been treated for high blood pressure, which is crazy that his dr. never caught it. I don't think he knew how sick he really was, because he never knew what it was like to feel good. He was tired a lot, but he also worked 70+ hours a week, so most people would be. He did code on Christmas night, but once stable was doing better. He didn't have to go back on vent after that, and was finally able to eat 2 days later. Was moved to CCU, which was an improvement, but aspirated on food and water he consumed earlier. He was moved back to ICU, and placed back on vent. Three days later I was faced with the reality of knowing he wouldn't have a meaningful recovery, then 5 days later he was removed from vent. It was a heartbreaking decision, but knew he wouldn't want to live the rest of his life in hospitals and nursing homes. I miss him so much!
     
  12. glego

    glego Member

    So sorry, my husband had lifelong low blood pressure, you'd think that would be good, but in the end it was his undoing. We did the same bounce around each time, ICU, CCU, ICU, CCU, and back around again. Did this several times since 2015. My husband had a stroke in 2015 while he was intubated, it left him with a couple of deficits, which to me seemed minor, but to him he struggled with them. I realize it's not fair for me to say what's minor. Physically it was his peripheral vision and a loss of balance at times. He was able to eat, walk, talk, etc., if you didn't know he had a stroke it would be hard to tell. But he was very anxious quite often, and his short term memory wasn't so good. So that bothered him more. I know, any other issues or being on a vent as you say or a life of hospitals and nursing homes would not be a satisfying life for him, in truth who would want that. As it was he went through so much, and two previous rehabs where he had to learn to walk again, he fought so hard. Some of your situation sounds very much like ours. I know you're missing him.
     
  13. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    My husband just had that 4-week stay in ICU, and 5 minutes in CCU. I kept thinking he would get better. Two days after he coded, he was able to eat and move to CCU. I wish now that he wouldn't have eaten, because that caused so much trouble. The vent had to go back in; it was so uncomfortable for him and he hated it. I am sorry you had to be dealing with your husband's health issues for years, the rollercoaster ride is stressful. I know we will always miss our husbands, and never really get over them.
     
  14. glego

    glego Member

    The eating thing was the worst, he hadn't had anything in a while. We also this time just started to get him on some thickened gelatin. My husband was sedated while on the vent. It was a roller coaster ride, but I'd be willing to do it if it meant his coming home, however we both know that ship has sailed. He went through so much, at times he said it would be better if he were gone, I hated hearing him say that, I would tell him to stop. What we've gone through is just hard. It's only now that I'm starting to come to terms that he's not coming home. I know they talk about the five stages of grief, I'm sure you're seeing that they're not stages. I seem to sometimes feel all stages in five minutes.
     
  15. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    As much as I hated going to the hospital, and the whole roller coaster ride, I find myself longing to go to the hospital to see him once again, hold his hand, tell him I love him. My husband was sedated as well while on the vent, but would occasionally wake, and try to get vent out with tongue. He made faces, showed his discomfort. It was heartbreaking. Last night and this morning I can't stop crying. I miss him so much. I go back to work next week, which is terrifying, and probably a good thing. Can't believe tomorrow is 2 weeks since he passed away, doesn't even seem real.
     
  16. glego

    glego Member

    I understand. All the sudden you have this "time" that you didn't have. It's finally settling in that I don't have to go, even went to dinner with a friend last night and my head drifted to that place, that I need to go to get to the hospital. The crying isn't gone for me, it has eased up a bit, however things/memories bring it on. Going to work will be good, it's terrifying because it's going to be the new normal which doesn't seem anything close to normal. It's a part of realizing that we have to go on not only for ourselves, but family and friends and in their memory. We want to hold on to them, the grieving holds on to them. But in reality we always have them in our hearts and minds.
     
  17. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    Yes, always in our hearts forever, and our minds. It's sinking in that he's gone, and my heart is broken. I still can't believe it though, it all seems such a blur. Twenty six days after I took him to ER, he was gone. At the time, it felt like the days were never-ending, and I couldn't wait to get him back home. I knew that it would be a long road to get his strength back, but was just wanting him to be able to do that. He just kept having setbacks which were bigger than his gains. We never know when someone will be taken from us, and never are prepared when it happens.
     
  18. glego

    glego Member

    I know you would have done all that you could have if he made it home. My husband had to do the rehab twice, the first time it was extended because of the stroke, had to get motor control for eating, walking, telling time and using his cell phone and computer. He had his stroke while intubated and we had to wait over a week to even see how he was or if he'd even remember us. This was a frightening time. But no matter what the work he did it, and I helped as much as I could. He went through so much, and amazingly didn't complain much.

    As you, I'm still in disbelief and some denial. Especially hard when you're home all day, we're both in the cold mid-west. I did my snow removal and camped out inside all day. I work from home for the most part, and he just retired, and I mean just it was maybe a couple of weeks home and then into the hospital. I was worried that we'd drive each other nuts all day everyday. Now I wish I had that worry. Truth be told we were good together when it came to spending time, we were planning on doing some road trips like we did in the early days before responsibilities gobbled up our time and we started talking about doing it all when we retired.

    Nope, we're not prepared. There's that saying, "man plans, God laughs."
     
  19. hrzumwalt

    hrzumwalt New Member

    im from union mo and i lost my husband on christmas day and gets harder and harder i just want him back we have an 8 month old baby girl
     
  20. kathahn

    kathahn Member

    There were so many things we were going to do when we had the time, ha! I loved taking road trips, but he didn't really like being in the car that long. We were together 30 years, married 22 and were good together too. We recognized when the other needed space. He would be home today since Sundays were his only day off, and he would be watching the Chiefs; he would be so proud of them. He's watching them from Heaven, but I would have enjoyed seeing his happiness with how well they are doing. The last game he watched was when they won against the New England Patriots. When he was in the hospital I would put the game on in his room, but wasn't awake to watch.

    He died early Sunday morning 2 weeks ago, but of course this doesn't seem real at all.