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When to leave?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by CAL425, May 1, 2020.

  1. CAL425

    CAL425 Member

    My family has suffered tremendous loss. I lost a student March 6th, my sister March 7th, and my mother April 3rd. I've been staying with my father and my oldest daughter. Everytime I think about leaving my dad I panic. What if he dies? What if one of the four of us (me, my daughter, my other daughter, or dad) get sick. Some days I cry non stop other days I'm numb. My dad keeps saying they are in a better place. He misses my mom, he forgets to take his meds. He isn't showering. I cannot concentrate, my youngest daughter tears up and breaks down randomly, my oldest daughter is angry and stoic. We are all lost. Should I try to go home yet? Is it okay to stay? I don't think Dad would eat if I wasn't here right now. He is forgetful and sighs. We didn't get to do anything because of the CoVid. Some days there are no words except the sound of the TV.
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so many losses, all on top of each other. One loss is a lot to handle, you have three. You have a lot on your plate.
    How close do you live to your Dad? Is it possible to check in on him. Or possibly have him stay with you a while. Keeping family close is always a good thing, the one on one support in person is so important and helps so much, for all family members. If it’s possible to stay with your Dad, I think that might be what you need right now. You’re voicing concerns about you leaving. Which is kind deciding for you that it might be best to stay with your dad. Mourning your losses and worrying about your dad, could just be too much. If you feel panic at the thought of leaving, that could be your answer right there.
    I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack and I’m still in need of my daughters support, especially now with this quarantine in place. It’s causing me to take steps backwards, Lack of person to person contact and support.
    You’re family is in a lot of pain, I feel for you all.
    Try to talk of your losses, with family and on this site. Sharing your feelings and your story is very important and helpful. People on this site are caring and understand your pain. You’re not alone.
    Sending hugs to your family! Robin
    Tammlamm likes this.
  3. CAL425

    CAL425 Member

    My dad lives about 35 minutes from my house. My house is tiny I asked him to come and stay but he wanted to be at the home and sleep in his bed. My oldest daughter lives with him, so technically he isn't alone but if I'm at home I'm worried about how they are doing, if I'm here it just feels like one less thing to worry about but that also feels selfish.

    Thank you Robin and I feel for you too. I lost the love of my life and am a widow of a little over six years. We were separated because he was in rehab...he got out but relapsed. He was my soul-mate and the father of my children. Thank you again so much.
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you, It’s 17 months since I lost my soul mate, I'm struggling, but I’m trying. He’s my inspiration to get out of bed each day. I don’t want to let him down, and I feel he is watching over me. My daughterstayed with me at my house for 8 or 9 months and I’m so thankful she did. I wish she could just stay here with me. But Ron and I had helped her find her first house just 2 years before he passed. She lives 15 minutes from me, so we do see each other pretty often.
    It’s good that you live fairly close to your Dad So when you decide it’s time to head back to your house at least you’re able to visit and check on him. Remember to take care of you, you’ve had so many losses. You’re mourning your Mom and taking care of your Dad, and you lost your sister, that’s a lot. I feel for you. In the end whatever you do, it’ll be the right choice.
    Sorry for the loss of your husband too.
    You’re not being selfish. Take care of yourself.
    Tammlamm likes this.
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    I hope things look up for you.
  6. Tammlamm

    Tammlamm Active Member

  7. Tammlamm

    Tammlamm Active Member

    Hi, I lost my Mom five months ago. I called it taking back my life. Self preservation is how I looked at it. I had to force myself to just take care of me. And, with children they need you to take care of yourself too. You are so important! Try to help a little less each time. It is hard. But, perhaps you can find some time for peace and healing. God Bless. Tammy
  8. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    You are hitting it about right. The role of caretaker is difficult on its own. Add jobs or kids. Even trained nurses here will take on a parent in decline alone when other siblings should have stepped up. I don't see you as selfish in the least. Add the 19 world none of us are sure how to live in, you worry. By your writing, you care a good deal and are doing your best.
    Tammlamm likes this.
  9. Tammlamm

    Tammlamm Active Member

  10. Tammlamm

    Tammlamm Active Member

    Thanks Paul
  11. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    Hi Cal,

    I hope this response finds you well or better at least. I think there comes a time when you have to step away and do what is best for you. You said in another post your oldest daughter lives with your dad but when you are apart you worry. The question is this, is your daughter in a position in her life to watch over him and make sure he does and has all his daily requirements? You said your youngest is quite emotional. It might be a good time to at least take a break, go to your home where everything is comfortable to you. Maybe spend your time between the two places and allow your youngest to get her sense of normalcy. I understand the concern for your dad, I lost mine about six weeks ago. But, if someone else can help you with the load, let them.

    I hope you are feeling better and please know if you need to chat I’m available.

    Take care,

  12. CAL425

    CAL425 Member

    Thank you for your thoughtfulness. My oldest daughter...long story has her own issues as she was helping care for my mother which was traumatic for her. She has been having major anxiety attacks and she will stay in her room for two days before coming out. So I don't know that she would be okay with my dad. Right now. I think you are right about home being a place of normalcy for my youngest. I am very worries about the virus though is we are running between households. If I'm here, I'm the only one going to the store, Dad isn't trying to go my daughter doesn't have to go. We live about a 35 minute drive away. My head keeps messing with me. I feel like if I leave I cannot come back in order to keep them safe. I started talking to my regular therapist. I was connected to a grief therapist but she never responded to my request for help. I know in Kansas it is relatively safe...but the thought of loosing him or one of my daughters because I'm not there and they go to the store is scary like terrifying. I know it's illogical to an extent. However it is still scary.
    TJones likes this.
  13. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    I understand your concerns. I guess I should be a bit more concerned. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to contract it nor would I want to give it to others. I respect it but I don’t fear it. Does that make sense? I take all the necessary protective steps - mask, sanitizer, no large crowds, etc.

    I probably look at things a lot differently than most people. I have my firm faith in God and I trust that he will lead me by his divine will but that doesn’t mean I don’t use the common sense he gave me.

    I wasn’t sure about the abilities of your children. I can imagine they are both overwhelmed. We, as adults, haven’t seen things as they are today. I can only imagine the thoughts of our children.

    Regardless of your decision, you will make the best choice you can with whatever you are given to choose from. I can feel your love and concern for each of your children and father. However, you have to take care of yourself in order to care for others.

    I hope your days become easier and that your decisions become clear. Things will get better. Hang in there!

  14. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    Your concerns and worries are good ones to have. Everyone must now weigh the risk and how they manage that. Mt neighbor is 71 and has had severe respiratory issues prior to 19. He has to play this very conservatively. We hare mostly masks and clove and limit time out of the home. Certainly, keep some distance when we do interact. He has groceries delivered. Ordered online. A pandemic expert goes further and limits outside to necessity. When going out mask and cloves plus a Clorox towelette he carries to wipe and common point of contact. Our stores are doing that with each shopping cart.

    The risk is hard to know just how much of our behavior is warranted. The expected death rate is projected at 3000 per day nationally. Pandemic historically may run a couple of years, The death rate is 1,5 to 2,5%. This one is about 5%. The news cycle is informing but at times alarming. That constant reminder. The serenity prayer seems a good one for these times. The wisdom to know what we may actually affect.

    A friend suggested a supplement that boosts the immune system. I was having some symptoms mainly fatigue and chills but no temperature. I have enough underlying issues so my doctor authorized testing. The results were negative. I also received instructions on what to do and how to deal with 19. Mostly stay at home, isolate, ride out the more flue like symptoms. Should the fever stay high and the breathing becomes more difficult. Well, then the next step.

    I see al sots of adaptive behavior. Most people mask and that is not mandatory. Most businesses finds ways to limit contact in the stores. The home dept has 100 people in the store at one time. Most restaurants do take out. I am not sure how concerned to be about handling packaging. Some stocking up on supplies but not hoarding.

    We are buying time for better treatments and the vaccine that is projected a year out.
    We can educate, do best practices, then it's a numbers game and percent and odds.
    I do listen to our governor and how the state plans to handle things. There are outlines for going forward. Even getting blood drawn at the medical clinic. They come to your car. We all mask.

    Being informed as best we can. Making the odds more in our favor. Knowing the percent is relatively low and will eventually be resolved. This are unprecedented changes. I am concerned for those dealing with household finances.

    I guess we hand wash a lot and make the best of it using informed choices.

    Grant us the wisdom to know what we can control.

    Paul M.
    TJones and CAL425 like this.
  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You have a lot on your plate right now. Somewhere in there you need to put you on the top of the list, you’re taking care of everyone else and running yourself ragged. I feel concern for you. Try to get fresh air every day, even if it’s in your back yard, see if you can get your Dad to do that as well. I understand your daughter is having difficulty with this loss as well. There’s breathing exercises that she should try, I find them very helpful, you should try them as well. The link at the bottom will show you the technique. At the site scroll down to see the video.
    I totally agree that this pandemic is adding an extra layer of anxiety to an already stressfull time. I also believe if your daughter feels up to going out for necessities, if she wears a mask and uses hand sanitizers and social distancing she would be safe. Your dad should stay home, or go for the drive but not go in stores. I’m not telling you things you don’t know I’m just reinforcing what you know. My daughter does my shopping because I’m high risk, she buys for both her house and mine and tries to get enough to get us through a week to 10 days.
    If you think your Dad would be willing maybe on Mother’s Day drive him to your house for the day, have your family all together during the day, he gets fresh air and you can feel a little relief having everyone in one place. Just a thought.
    I’m glad you’re talking to your therapist, I’m sure that will give you some great advise and talk things out.
    You’re a strong woman, but be sure to take care of you, you are as important as everyone you’re caring for.
    Hugs! Robin
  16. CAL425

    CAL425 Member

    I haven't been taking care of me very well. I feel very lost My birthday was the 25th and I was sad all day because it used to be my mom and my day. I have been dreading tomorrow for days now. I wish there was someone here for me. I feel so alone. I haven't felt this alone in a very long time. It has been a month. I feel like I should be okay...but I also feel like I haven't been allowed or given my self time to grieve.
  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I understand, you’re putting everyone else ahead of yourself. You should try to take care of you. That’s so important.
    You have a lifetime of memories with your Mom, losing someone you’ve shared so much with is devastating. You go into a shock, fog like feeling, nothing feels right or ok anymore. Your loss is so recent and you have multiple losses, two family members so close, of course you feel overwhelmed, I wouldn’t expect anything but being overwhelmed. Afraid it’s a long slow process to even start to feel like you can think straight and almost clear.
    I hope you have have family and friends available for your support and of course your therapist. You and your family have gone through and living through a nightmare. Give yourself time.
    First everything feels unbearable, but you shared your birthday with your Mom and now Mother’s Day! I know tomorrow will be very difficult for you and your whole family, I’m sorry.
    Keep trying, but please take care of yourself.