When is it time

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Andrea Howey, Sep 15, 2017.

  1. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Ray the same feelings on Kay's stuff. She was a great hunter for the well priced but either unique, usually quirky, and her humor. Her humor was and is inexhaustible. She chose these things and I can be with them and imagine what she saw and her whimsical esthetic tastes. So easy to discard but you can't get back or replace. Some stuff was new and went to the best use women's shelter. My intent always is doing what she would approve of. She was and is so much about giving and loving life. The nities are so personal. I will take a long time and be so selective in the things that are her. What is the rush?
  2. Kathi in California

    Kathi in California New Member

    Hi Linda
    I am also 62 and watched my husband die last month after 30 years. I am new to being a widow and new to this site but it seems we have something in common. We hope to someday find love again but watching my husband die was too much. I don’t know how long you have been a widow but probably longer than a month. 62 isn’t young anymore but it’s not old either. I wonder what the future will bring to us....
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hi Linda and Kathy and all who posted on this thread. The basic answer is that I also agree that a new fulfilling relationship with all the qualities listed would be welcome. The answer for me is not now. Way to early in my grief cycle. Relationships require so much thought, energy, and attention. The three qualities I just listed are not there to give. One personal account was meeting a potentially possible woman. That was quickly noted by me as not likely. I later found out she was a woman in cancer remission. I had a sharp panic attach. I have just finished that duty and am nowhere near able to do it again. Two things came out of that. One is that I know so much about cancer and caregiving that I could maybe do it again but not now. The second was the idea of maybe a new relationship would be great but not now. The meeting of someone new. I tend to think that in the course of our outside hobbies or interests are people to meet. Just very slow and in a casual way, just natural and unrushed. Like most job findings skills is the notion of letting people know you might be interested. I know a couple of women who have friends and would likely play matchmaker. The recurring answer is not now. I have in such an unplanned way ended up on a computer dating site. Of the women, I did talk to the same comments. You have to cautious and wary. One woman said even a bit jaded. I had enough responses from likely fraud or mentally Ill people. I tend to de better in person. You lose a lot of visual and voice cues in the cyber world. So I am back to the same answer not now. What I can do is just meet people casually. Work on some new friendships and if they happen to be women that would be great. At best plan, a mutual event and have a conversation. So many just basic relationships are transactional in some way. For now just being on time, finding new interests, go to counseling are as much as I can manage. Thanks for whoever started this threat. I appreciate hearing how others feel and are navigating this subject. I can relate and learn from each of you. Just asking the question allows me to think about it. Search my self for a point where I would take the next step.
  4. Kathi in California

    Kathi in California New Member

    Thanks Paul. I appreciate your response. You must be special if you can even entertain the thought of caregiving again. I could barely do it with my husband and the thought of caregiving again is worse than the thought of my dread of what’s out there in the dating world. Actually probably equal dread. Obviously I’m not ready for either. But I sure have a respect for caregivers after being one. The hardest thing I’ve ever done by far. Also I’m wondering if all other things being equal if it’s easier for older men to find love again vs older women. I don’t know, but that’s what I used to hear.
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Kathi you are so correct, the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I was given a chance to view that question. Not for a long time was apparent. But I would know what to do. More likely to be a mentor or information person for someone in my sphere who needed that kind of information. Specialized information earned every step of the way.

    As to men or women easier.? You know the standard Hospice answer, it is so individual. On the plus side we meaning you and I and alot of people on this site. Have a big resume' concerning committed relationships. I think we don't know the future. We can build a fulfilling life either way and should. A committed love relationship. Yes, I will quietly root for that. I like to think for all the right reasons.

    Thanks, Kathi for your response.
  6. Alannah Kern

    Alannah Kern New Member

    I lost my love two weeks ago. I was seven years widowed when we met. I never expected to find love again as my late husband was smart and kind and such a good person and a theologian. A very hard act to follow for anyone. But I did meet another extraordinary person and we were both over the moon to find each other one year ago. We had magic together. We were so in love and planning the rest of our life together. Six months later in December 2018 he was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer and he died on May 26th surrounded by myself, his son and daughter in law his ex wife...all of whom loved him so very much How could one know that this love would be so short lived. I try now that he has left us to carry on. I hope to live my life fully as he would want me to. To live the days he cannot live well and with intention. And to be the very best artist he believed me to be. I know you will meet someone some time in the future. And there will be magic again in your life.