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When is it not wrong to reach out for love?

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Leaf, Dec 7, 2020.

  1. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear Glego - It is true. If the situation were reversed it would mean everything to me for her to be happy. What you say is correct, it is absolutely not a choice between her and someone else. Thank you for sharing your insights.
     
    glego likes this.
  2. biloxiblue

    biloxiblue Member

    I am so glad I found this site. My husband of 47 years has been sick for five years. In the last three he was rapidly declining. I was his caretaker and spent many days in hospitals with him. I had picked him up to bring him home from the hospital two months ago and when we got home, I thought he seemed different, but the nurse had said to me that he just needed a good night's rest in his own bed. Six hours later I helped him to the bed. He grabbed his chest, fell over, and was gone. I am devastated and to top it off, I feel so lonely and keep thinking about trying to meet some new people. I have been so isolated taking care of him. I'm not looking for a boyfriend or significant other just someone to have dinner with or go to a movie with. I miss hearing a man's voice. I want to feel connected again. I'm not doing anything this is just what goes on in my head. Just the fact that I'm thinking like this makes me feel so guilty.
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  3. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty, everyone is different and this is so individual. Being a caretaker is difficult, I too spent many days and nights over his last few years in the hospital. Many emotions going on, and the loneliness. It's fine to want someone in your life, whether it be a boyfriend or significant other. or just companionship of dinner and a movie.

    I went from thinking of never again for a relationship, to a male friend, now he may be something more. Take your time, listen to your head and heart. However, never feel guilty, as humans we crave to be loved. From birth to death, a soothing voice, a hand to hold and someone to share the day with are all normal desires.
     
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  4. biloxiblue

    biloxiblue Member

    Thank you for your words of encouragement. I appreciate your response.
     
    glego likes this.
  5. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear Biloxiblue - I totally understand what you are saying. I have been through and continue to go through the exact same feelings and emotions. It is normal. I tell myself that there is no reason to feel guilt. We are human beings who all need to love and be loved. There is nothing wrong with that. I think that the guilt is something we all experience sooner or later. But I also think that we should not give into it because really, there is nothing to be guilty about. I know that I loved and still love my wife even though she is gone. I aleays will love her but that does not mean that I can't love again also.
     
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  6. biloxiblue

    biloxiblue Member

    This is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with.
     
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  7. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Wise words, Leaf.
     
    biloxiblue likes this.
  8. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

     
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  9. Leaf

    Leaf Active Member

    Dear Biloxiblue - What you say is so true and it hurts so much. I too believe that this is the hardest thing I ever had to endure. While the pain and sorrow have never left me' the passage of time has helped me to cope with living in this strange and sad new world.
     
    Chris M 2000, glego and biloxiblue like this.
  10. biloxiblue

    biloxiblue Member

    :(
     
    glego likes this.
  11. I understand what you are feeling. I recently lost my wife suddenly and totally unexpectedly. She was the true love of my life and she and I had/have 6 amazing kids. Luckily the kids are older with the youngest being 16. To your dilemma, I am lost on this as well. I know I can never replace my wife and I do NOT want to, but getting into a king size bed every night alone is miserable. We slept naked and I miss the warmth of her snuggling up to my back. It's not a sex thing, it just that I am missing the human contact I think. I feel super guilty that I even think of another person but I think I am looking for more of a physical touch and be touched feeling and not an emotional replacement for my wife. I too have looked on a couple of online sites. I have looked mostly on hookup sites but I don't have the guts to move forward. I do have lots of guilt like I am cheating or disrespecting her memory in some way.

    She always told me that she would be the first to go and that I shouldn't be alone forever but right now I really don't want to replace her, I think it is just the emptiness and loneliness that is driving me to look. Not sure if I will actually go forward with anything but the looking keeps my mind busy and I think that is a lot of what I need right now. I think having an anonymous / stranger to talk to and not have them know your situation and feel sorry for you would be a nice change as well.

    Hopefully someone else will give some feedback on their experience and we can all move forward with the help from friends, family, this forum and even the occasional meeting.
     
  12. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

     
  13. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    (somehow this got posted under your name above, so I am copying it down here instead)
    biloxiblue:
    When we lose someone we treasure so much, we must do what our heart is telling us to do in order to begin to move forward-or we are liable to be 'stuck' in deep grief instead of improving. There is nothing wrong with your wanting to do something you have not been able to do for years. You need something to lift your spirits so don't tear yourself down. Be good and kind to yourself like you would to someone else. And please don't worry about what others will think-they don't know what you are going through...
    Chris
     
  14. biloxiblue

    biloxiblue Member

    Thank you Chris!
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.