What do you think? Prepared/unprepared

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Jonathan57, Apr 23, 2020.

  1. Jonathan57

    Jonathan57 Guest

    I was wondering why Im having a tougher time with the test of her family. I talked to her eldest daughter the other day to just touch base. Asking how she felt and how the rest of children are doing, 5 of them from 25-10. Just to let you know her daughter is very reserved and laidback also very timid as well. But her body language and all around attitude;
    actually her 25-year old brother and her act this way.
    I was scrolling back my old texts, it broke my heart on how lonely she was, she never wanted to be alone.
    But what really upset me then and even today, is how her grown children took such bad advantage of her,
    It makes me upset that her side of the family counted her dead 5 yrs ago.
    This what I mean by Prepared or unprepared.
    Her family where just counting the days is what they told me.
    Aimee had been to the ICU 5 years ago and almost died,They had given her 2 valves. I believe this is when they made there peace.

    I know for a fact that I'm the only one hurting this hard, I mean I spent 20+hrs with her everyday. I built our relationship from friends to fiance, At the beginning I wasn't even thinking romantic.But she snuck her way into my heart. She was so lonely & sad; as was I. We enjoyed each other so much, I never had someone never get on my nerves or feel like I needed a break. She truly is something special.

    Her kids saw her rarely expect the 2 that were living with us. The eldest daughter and youngest daughter. But when i moved in I saw how things were ran. Very recluse, till someone wants something, then it's can I have this and that, can I have some money can you buy this, all take no give...
    They had turned her into a human piggy bank,
    Only talking to her for stuff.
    With her mother she's so personable she cares but she was waiting for Aimee to pass, I told her Aimee wanted to live, but they wanted no part of it. They had already been here before.
    Her dad also confirm this, I asked if my pastor could come pray for Aimee. I was met with "that won't be necessary" surprising me, I had told her mother in private that she wanted to live. Them having power of attorney, from 5yrs ago. They were sure she was going to die then...
    It's like they saw an opportunity to get rid of a thorn in there side. It just really presents its self that way at least to me...
    Her mother had even told me that Aimee had stopped calling her because she was no longer lonely.
    This last year we had grown so much as a couple, growing this beautiful relationship.

    I guess what I'm trying to say, it is harder for me due to the relationship and my connection to Aimee. The dynamics, the time, the rituals we did together.Also I remember how abusive her last boyfriend was, always cutting her down, calling her names, telling her she will never be loved and she is trash.
    Mind you, I did the opposite of those things to my fullest, always telling her I how much I loved her, telling her how beautiful she is, how smart she is, what a great mom she is.
    I always was up lifting her.
    So I guess now I can see, from thinking out loud the different perspectives.

    I miss you Aimee-

    Jonathan S.
    Tammlamm likes this.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    It is expected to be so unexplained for you and the children. You lost Aimee your mate, they lost their mother. Your emotions, their emotions are all over the place. It is hard for them to talk, as it was for my sons, but they did talk among themselves.

    Don’t expect answers to come easy. This passing is hard for all of you. Those feelings are like precious memories that need to be safeguarded no matter the cost. It just takes time for them, for you, just don’t rush it.

    You can’t live the lives of others for them. They are who they have become. It is just better to help yourself and coexist if possible.

    Expect to be lonely. If the children wish to connect they will in their own time, don’t rush them as they too may not seem like they are sad, but it can’t be helped, we keep so much hurt inside to ourselves.

    Jonathan, her parents are who they are. You won’t be able to change them. If you still want a relationship with them, you have to accept them.

    Aimee’s last boyfriend sounded awful, and had personal troubles of his own. It is good he is gone.

    Some people know what love is, others even in a relationship truly don’t know and never will. You can’t teach love, you either are able to be open and loving to another or you can’t. You at least had that special connection with Aimee.

    It will take time to find peace within yourself. You just have to keep talking it out, and if you are even able to talk with professionals it would help you tremendously.

    Take care of yourself. Watch out for your health, you’re well being, and never give in to despair.

    Peace brother


    For you

  3. Jonathan57

    Jonathan57 Guest

    Thanks again so much David. I can say getting outside is helping me; Aimee and I love to go walk on these days.

    Unfortunately the ex is still in the picture he the father of youngest daughter, I pray he treats the little girl right. I know there where a lot of secrets between my Aimee and her daughter
    Just about him.But maybe when she's older she reach out to me, because I know her father doesn't like me, I was always kept as a secret from him, This is due to how much trouble he can cause, Aimee always became so anxious with him on the phone or just even taking there daughter for the weekend.(this was just a 5 minute exchange) That was even hard for her.
    So many terrible things he put Aimee through, I'm not going to get into it but he just a bad seed.

    Sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my closeness with Aimee, as if im not crying about something that I don't care. I guess, I'm getting better with dealing my emotions or the last few days God has given me a breather from this heartache.
    It seems like when I get like I tend to beat myself for not caring enough. I'm a touchy feely kinda guy, I love hugs & kisses, holding hands , just holding each other. I miss all the love yous in responses, I miss the pet names she called me, I miss holding her hand as I drove my car. She grew so fond of me always holding her hand.

    Some days I just feel like I don't want to feel this way, I need to be sad not melancholy...feeling scares me like it ok not to be upset but it doesn't sit well with me.as if im ok with change...

    Well I'm just thinking out loud and venting again.

    Thanks so much David You really are such a kind soul.

    ✌ -Jonathan S