What am I supposed to do?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Gigieva, Jun 11, 2020.

  1. Gigieva

    Gigieva Member

    Im new here. My precious husband passed away suddenly almost 4 months ago from an undetected aortic dissection. He was 49.
    We went high school together and reconnected after running into each other at a restaurant after almost 25 years. We had been married 6.5 years Our kids are grown and it was just us! Both of us still young and we enjoyed each other. I was his princess!!! I am totally lost and a COMPLETE mess.
    I have poured myself into my work and still function just as before, but fall apart at home. I feel like I lost part of myself the day I lost him.
    I’m not sure what I am supposed to do and how I am supposed to continue without him. What about his things? How do I decide when and how and what to put away? I don’t know where to start and with what. We never talked about the possibility of one of us leaving the other. This wasn’t supposed to happen!!!
    If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I’m so sad and totally unsure of what I am supposed to do...
     
  2. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Gigieva. So sorry to hear about your loss. It is so hard to lose your loved one. My husband died Oct 11/19 after battling cancer. It was 8 months yesterday. I remember about 4 months in was the hardest time for me. It was like the shock wore off and I realized this was forever. Up until then I sort of didn't believe it and thought he might come home any time.

    I made a quilt from his clothes..used his shirts for the front blocks and his pants for the back blocks. I cuddle with it every evening while watching tv or reading. It is a comfort. Some things I gave to his friends. Some things I donated to charity. Some things are still right where he last put them down. I found starting with things that carry the least memories and are less personal helped get me going. Luckily his wedding band fits my right middle finger perfectly so I wear it constantly. Don't feel you need to rush. I would do one small area each week. Then kept the bag for a couple days...if it felt ok it would go, if not the things went back where I took them from.

    I concentrated on just doing one thing at a time. Just get the next thing done. Soon I found I was able to do more. I am moving forward slowly and gently but I make myself keep moving everyday. It does get better.
     
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  3. Gigieva

    Gigieva Member

    Hello Ainie! Thank you so much for responding!. So sorry for your loss. What a wonderful idea about the quilt!
    I find myself feeling overwhelmed and I then fall apart. The part of the realization that he isn’t coming home has finally set in just like you explained. I too wear my husbands wedding band, but on a neck chain.
    There is an ache in my stomach all the time. Best I can explain it is like I felt when I went to camp as a child. HOMESICK. It doesn’t ever go away. I wonder how I’m going to live without him. Everyone says it gets easier but at this point, it seems worse. He was my everything.
     
  4. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    So sorry for the loss of your husband who passed suddenly. There is no special time in which to go through his things. You will know when you can handle it - everyone is different. There will be a time when going through his belongings, although very difficult, will bring a smile to your face in remembering him. Until that time, do whatever feels right for you. Hugs.
     
  5. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    I recognize that feeling in your stomach. I still get it some days but the "better" days are getting more frequent. I did allow myself to scream, and curse, and sob when I felt so overwhelmed. I did it a lot. Luckily I live in a rural area so no neighbours to hear and have me committed. But feeling your feelings and not trying to stay in control or "be strong" seemed for me to help move them out instead of just circling and circling in my head. Again just what I found helped and fully recognizing it may not be good for everyone. Grief is so very personal. This is a time in life when you are allowed to do whatever you must...no permission from anyone else is required.

    Life will move forward and we have the choice of what we will make it. It is a huge undertaking to rewrite our future when we thought we had it planned. My pastor gave me some good advice..he suggested I list the qualities in my husband that I most admired and then honour him daily by emulating those qualities myself. Trying to be as kind, generous and outgoing as my husband was certainly has helped me move toward getting ok again.
     
  6. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Hey hru? I'm sorry for your loss. You feel like part of you is gone because it is. You lost a piece of your heart when he left. I havnt been the same since I lost my fiancee almost 3 months ago. Nights are the worse. I guess knowing that he's suppose to be next to me. Other than the quilt you can also make pillow cases to put on your pillows out of some of his shirts. Maybe also do some seat covers for your car. Take your time going through his stuff though if you not ready. I no I'm not ready. I started going through it one day and stopped. I'm going to give some casual shoes to his dad a d his clothes to his nephews, brother and cousin. I'm keeping his tennis shoes for myself. Praying that you continue to have strength to get through this.
     
  7. Gigieva

    Gigieva Member

    Thank you all for your responses. I actually feel a little bit lighter today. Maybe it’s because I had several good cries yesterday and this morning. My son came by yesterday and I fell apart in front of him. Think he felt bad about leaving to go home and decided to stay the night. He called his fiancée and she came and stayed too. Was nice to spend some time with them. They’re gone now and it’s quiet again.
    The weekends seem to be tough as Robert was always here. I was thinking about him cooking Saturday and Sunday breakfast. He loved to cook, although he didn’t like the clean upWhat I wouldn’t give to be able to clean up the bacon grease splatters. I would do it gladly with no fussing!
    I am so glad I found this group. To connect with others who know what I feel is giving me strength and a release.
     
  8. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I agree this group really helps. I miss small things too. Even the little arguments we had over petty stuff. Id give anything to just hear his voice again. I'm here anytime you want to talk. I hope you continue to have better days.