Unsure of what to do for girlfriend whose exhusband recently passed.

Well this very well may be a long one. Perhaps a difficult one for advice as well but I will take my chances.

I married my ex-wife back in 2005, we were together more or less everyday like most, apart from my years in Iraq. We had three wonderful boys throughout the years, but our relationship deteriorated due to infidelity (wasn’t me). We eventually divorced after 12 years, last May. It took a few months for me to even consider dating again but I had already been in some dark places before we divorced just trying to cope with the betrayal.

Once I started dating, I never felt like I would genuinely love again. I was reserved and frightened that I would be hurt again. Trust, as you can imagine, was a huge issue. I had met a lady that was in an open marriage. You can judge all you wish, I can totally understand lol, however, I do ask that you understand or research it yourself, open relationships aren’t just about sexual endeavors but can also be much much more. I thought to myself “this is the perfect opportunity, I don’t have a commitment, I can see other people if I wish, she always has somewhere to go home to", etc.

We hit it off very well. We talked about our relationships, I had tons of questions about hers because I just did not understand how anyone was ok with that type of relationship. As it turns out her relationship was on the rocks and had been for years. There was absolutely no intimacy and most of their interactions were arguments. Our relationship has been going for just over a year now and we have become everything for each other. This was NOT supposed to happen this way but considering how vulnerable I was after the divorce and how I gave her the love she was missing we could not really stop it at that point.

There had been talks, many times about our lives together, blending our families (she has two small boys). She had talked to her husband as well and they were preparing to split up. During these times I felt a large sense of guilt because I felt I was responsible for the deterioration of their relationship. I communicate well, I told her these things. She ensured me many times that it had been that way for years before I was in the picture and it was only a matter of time. Also let it be known that I have always advocated for their relationship. I have even told her that if she wanted things to really work with him then we can go our separate ways.

Moving forward to about 2 weeks ago. She lost him in a car accident. She was devastated, I was devastated, her world was and is upside down. I have been through quite a bit of issues and healing in my life but being on this side is brand new. I am so genuinely heartbroken because I love her with my everything and watching her break down tears me apart. Now, I’m a fantastic shoulder to lean on. Not to toot my own horn but I am just great with giving advice, saying the right things, and being the rock for someone, however, I am now facing a new issue that I have no idea how to handle. I am there for her to vent or cry or whatever she needs to do and that’s no issue. The problem I’m facing now is how she is grieving. There have been many posts by her on social media with constant reflections of their relationship. Captions like “Thank you for visiting me last night sweetheart” (in regards to her deceased husband), and “I will never love again”. She has even mentioned getting his hand print tattooed on her. I don’t know how I feel about all this. I understand it really isn’t any of my business, but It still hurts because I have never seen or heard her express these types of feelings towards him in any capacity. She tells me that her love for me has not changed one bit. She does feel guilty about spending time with me but that's to be expected similar to how people may feel guilty about having a good time shortly after a loss.

I don’t think I would call it jealousy per se but it most certainly feels like betrayal all over again. Although I know my feelings are valid, they don’t seem right or fair in any way. I feel so selfish for having these feelings. I don’t want to walk away, I can’t leave her like this, not right now at least. But my self-preservation keeps telling me to cut ties with her. I’ve talked to her a bit about it and although she doesn’t want me to go anywhere she says she understands if we need to back off but she “hopes I can find the strength to walk with her through this but understands if I can't and I know where to find her when I'm ready”. I am just out ideas at this point and I would love any kind of input. Thank you all for your support, sorry for such a long read but it’s complicated!

 

At two weeks in she is still in that raw, unbelieving, painful phase. Right now she has no idea of what she has to, should, or wants to do. Sometimes grief can be harder for someone in a bad relationship as there is guilt on top of loss. Give it time, at least six months. If your heart is not agreeable to waiting for her to be able to clear her head be honest and move on.

 

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to reach out. I really appreciate that. I definitely do feel it is still so soon but I am just at a loss due to these feelings I have while considering I am a very understanding person. Insult to injury; I just found out I will be leaving the country for a year and I am leaving next month. I guess this will really test our relationship as well. Thanks again!

 

I personally feel like your feelings are very valid and that your number 1 commitment must be to yourself - so that you can be someone who loves well. you are still healing from things yourself. space sounds like it would be a good thing, for you to take care of yourself and love her from the distance that doesn't put you in the crossfire. not because of a lack of care for her emotions and her healing experience, but even for the sake of the potential of a future relationship between the two of you, for long term support, you need to be full and cared for or those scars will last and be carried with you into the relationship. I cant imagine how hard this must be for both her and you and this is just such a complicated situation.. but I pray for strength and empowerment for you to do whatever the best thing is for the both of you, and for the wisdom to know what that is. bless you both

 

Thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate you taking time to read about my issue. I really do feel that distance will be the best thing at this point. Everyone heals differently and although I would love to hold her hand through all of this, I feel most of this is a battle she needs to face on her own. Since the accident she has been trying to spend as much time as she can with me. She absolutely does not like being at home which I totally understand. The issue with that is, I'm leaving the country in less than a month and feel that she needs to start spending time without me a little more because if she doesn't, when I finally do leave, I feel it will not be good for her at all. Thank you again!

 

Dear JM,
I will be quite frank, the way you feel is fair. You are grieving, that person was a part of her life, and your too. Death of a spouse alters us all a little inside. Change is something that we adapt to. You need to feel what you need to feel.

On the flip side of that coin she needs to work through what she needs to work through. Give her space if you can and be as supportive as you are able. I said I would be frank and here is why. I understand where she is at. I met my my Ali Jim when I was a junior in High School. We were married when I graduated college. We were married 8 years. He was an abusive, bi-polar, alcoholic drug addict with OCD.

 

Sorry it sent before I finished.

I loved him very much, but he chose drugs and alcohol over his medication. We have two children together. We moved past the divorce, I thought he had sobered up, we dated again, and then he relapsed and I had to step away. He ended up going to rehab. He was out two weeks and passed away. I was devistated. My family said he was my ex and I was better off without him. People said remember he abused you why are you crying. His family blamed me for leaving him. I had and still have no one. Right now she is probably riddled with guilt, they shared a life together good or bad there was love. Her feelings are probably crashing into her right now down to the very marrows of he soul. It's confusing. There is anger and pain, there is grief and there is relief, there is guilt and agony. Memories too painful to address and yet for me there was also a freedom. I couldn't process my grief all at once. I had two children who had lost a father to love and support because we were on our own. Alone, everyone had turned their backs on us.

There is hope, I'm seven years out. I miss Ali everyday. I refer to myself as a widow. He never remarried...I was for three months then it was anulled and Ali asked me to take his name back and I did. He was my first true love...if I ever find someone again, they will not replace him. They will take a different spot in my heart. I've tried dating and it hasn't worked at all. The men expected me to "forget" him. That isn't realistic. Time will allow her to sort it out. Your love and support will help her see things as she needs to see them.

Remember yourself in the process. You said you are good at communicating...that is the key. To listen and to be heard. Listen to yourself too.

From someone who has been there you are valid in all you are feeling. Your support will help her heal. Your place in her heart isn't gone. She is trying to recompartmentalize where this person who is gone goes in her life now. With children there is a constant reminder of them. I lost Ali 3 times, once to his addictions, once to divorce, and once forever. Each time was more painful and guilt ridden than the last.

Sorry if this seems rambling. I'm willing to talk or communicate with one or even both if she needs someone too. Thoughts of peace and serenity to you all.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to hear your words. I am terribly sorry for all that you have lost, I would say "I can't imagine" like many others do but I can imagine the best I can and there is no doubt it would be the worst thing I've ever experienced. Sorry for the late reply, I took a job in Poland and I am trying to get situated. I am hoping that this year away will give her the time to heal. Of course this has brought about new issues I am trying to do my best. We finally talked some things out in detail, I didn't really want to because I thought it would be too much for her but she insisted that it was important we talk about these things. I am struggling a little with being away just as she is during this time. She told me if I wanted to see others I could, I really have no desire to nor do I really want her to but at the same time I also know she is very vulnerable and may need some companionship, but if it begins to turn into anything serious we must let each other know. I don't like the sound of any of it to be perfectly honest and I have a strange feeling this might deteriorate our relationship. Then again I am not going to tell her what she can and can't do. I hope you and your children go on to live the happiest and most fulfilling lives you can! You will always have two pieces of him right there with you!

 

Jeff--

I recommend that you do some reading and research on open relationships and polyamory. There is no right or wrong way to do it. What works for some people may not work for others. But if you have an understanding that each of you can see other people, then you are in an open relationship, whether you choose to call it that or not.

There's lots of stuff out there on the internet about open relationships and polyamory. But sometimes it is better to do things the way they were done back in the 70s and 80s. Turn off the computer, turn off the phone, sit down... and read a book.

Start with The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton, or Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino.

BMK

 

Thank you for your input! I definitely appreciate it, I will look into it more and hopefully I can figure out exactly what in the hell I want!