Unspeakable pain of

Changed.....

Alot of women say when they went to prison their whole life changed. Some changes were good and some were bad. Some women may turn their whole lives around and some fall apart as soon as they get out. I was one of them that had a little of both. I ran for 4 and a half years before I got caught. I've always ran. Situations I don't like I run or I avoid it like it never happened. Situations that bring up emotions that I don't like showing or I just have no choice but to let it go and keep pushing to survive and remain free from getting locked up. When I was about to turn 23 i met a Hispanic man named Alex. We ended up being together and having a little girl later on. I had to make myself love him. I didn't kno how to love a man in a relationship. I wanted to love him...it took me awhile to open up and let him see what was buried underneathe all the heartache, pain, suffering, abandonment issues, and all the emotions I've buried my whole life. I started to let it show. Our relationship grew unhealthy and into a dark place after a year. At first it was good and he made me smile and laugh again when i had nothing to be happy about. His love for me was somewhat sick and unhealthy. He was jealous and mentally abusive. He used alot of what I showed him as a weapon to break me and make me think nobody else would want me. I started believing him. I began thinking I was ugly, unworthy, unattractive and not a good mother. In February 2016 he got deported to Mexico. That day a piece of me died when he left. I know in my heart he loved me. He put me first and no other place. I depended on him for me and my baby. He was my best friend. Someone who loved me for everything I was and wasn't. At night I'd lay on his chest and I'd fall asleep instantly. I felt protected from all my demons and bad thoughts. Those were the times where everything was great. Before he got deported he became mean and angry. When he got deported I fell apart. I still had my daughter who needed me so I had to figure it out. I had no milk and no diapers. I ended up getting somewhat stable and safe while I'm mentally losing my mind without her dad. The whole 1st month he was gone...each day a piece of my mind slipped away. I was so focused on trying to keep her safe and not get separated from her. I couldn't lose her. On March 19th 2017 that early morning I woke up and looked where she was sleeping and she was gone. She passed away in her sleep that night. I knew by looking at her that she wasn't coming back. She was 3 months and 3 weeks old. I knew I was going to go to jail then to prison that morning. There was no way I'd walk away with that many warrants. I know you can only run for so long until they catch you. 4 1/2 years of running and the morning i find my baby like that is the day i go down. And just like I thought, i was on my way to prison that same month. I became numb about it throughout my prison sentence. I never really broke down and mourned her. I sat there for a year and 4 months replaying everything that morning the whole time I was locked up. I never heard from Alex. My family did but never me. I know he wouldn't go that long without getting contact. In January 2017 my dad finally told me he got killed in Mexico the year before. I broke down. The whole time I'm locked up I have no pictures of them...nothing. All I have are memories of them. Mental images of their faces in my mind and my heart. Then I got out in June 2017. I was set on working and doing what I never had a chance to do in my life. That was to live and enjoy the time I had here on earth. Time is something u never get back. Everything was great. Then everything hit me. Not just 1 but 2 deaths of 2 people I loved with all my heart. 2 different types of love I never thought existed because I never seen them growing up. My family was never coming back and it hurt. My heart aches for them. My soul and my body does. It's August 2017 now. The grief is so bad. It's hitting in all directions and as hard as it can. I never thought it would feel like this. It takes my breath away thinking about them or seeing pictures. I feel like I can't do it. I feel helpless at times. I have anxiety attacks when I try to talk about them to someone when I want to cry and let it out. But I don't know how. I have so much to say but when it comes down to talking I might get 5 words out then I go into an attack. I went and got in to see a therapist and on meds. It doesn't help much. I don't know what else to do. All I can do is pray and keep pushing forward. I have no choice but to keep moving but my heart will not accept that they are really gone and they will not be in my future....