two steps back..

This is how this forum helps. We come together because we have grief in common. We are a comfort to each other because when we share information and experiences we learn. I am so glad that my patient's stories helped.

 

I keep reading your post over and over, it makes me cry each time. You have no idea, actually I’m sure you do, just how comforting it is to hear what other people have experienced and you shared. I’ve read your post to my children and they also feel relief. I hope you don’t mind but I’m sharing your words with everyone who is grieving or asks how I’m doing. You’ve helped so much!
I agree, this is exactly how this site works and helps.

 

My Hospice Grief Counselor, Joanie, has encouraged me to put my feelings into words. I wrote the following as part of my therapy. It’s called
HIM
They told us you were going to die
So matter of fact I’m their statement, that I couldn’t even cry.
At least not until the wall that held back the tears, gave way, loosing emotions that had languished for years
Why...Why...Why...did she have to die?
No answer came to hand as I struggled to visualize her promised land and I silently raged at the searing pain that devoured my spinning, irrational brain, and Janet all the while, responded with grace and a smile, and, with no panic showing on her face, she was far more worried about what I would embrace, and how, at the end, I would defend God’s loving grace.
Fine, as she always said, when they asked, “ how’s your head” She would just sigh, and then reply, don’t bother with that right now, please pray for him instead.
Then... all too soon...when her life’s flame began to dim, she repeated these words as my tears welled from within, Don’t worry about me, I’ll be OK...I’m more concerned about...Him

 

Bill that’s so beautifully written. Such love comes from that piece. Makes me cry. You do realize that Janet was as lucky to have you as you feel that you had her. Beautiful love story.
Hugs!

 

She was/is my life

 

Wonderful words Bill!

 

Thank you ainie. The act of writing this was definitely cathartic.
My wife is the most selfless and courageous person I have ever known.
I adore her.

 

I'm also just days away from the 4 months mark. The absolute best woman I've ever known. We were together 25 years. Not one hour goes by that I don't think of her. One day at a time is all I can do. I'm best when I'm at work and worst at home alone. Keeping busy helps. Lonelyness is my biggest problem.

 

I am just past the 4 month date when Janet Lost her battle with cancer, and just under a year of the date they told her that she was going to die. She lived with the knowledge of her impending sentence of death with courage, grace, and, surprisingly, humor. She kept the Hospice staff in stitches. She was always more concerned about me and how I was doing. Thank God for Hospice. They allowed me to crash at the care center, so I was with her 24/7. We had only been apart for 4 days in 25 years of marriage when she went to Dallas for a training seminar. Those four days were unbearable (I phoned her every night) I was so happy when she came home.
It took me 60 years to find her and she gave me the best 25 years of my life.
Barry, I relate to the loneliness. At night ,I look toward her chair thinking that I will see her sitting there, and when it dawns on me that she is gone and is never coming back I can’t hold back the tears. I hope that you can find some relief from your pain and loneliness. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Bill

 

So much love here for the ones we've lost.

 

Yes there is, the love each of us feels for the person we’ve lost comes pouring out in words. And we all know exactly how the other one is feeling, there’s no judging but lots of compassion. Bill, I too have a chair that remains empty and I keep thinking I’ll see Ron sitting there. The loneliness is unbearable, the empty quiet house. The quietness is deafening. I feel my heart breaking more each day, right now I’m feeling like I’m going backwards, missing him more each day. Yesterday was his birthday, we’re supposed to celebrate life and spoil him with gifts and cake, instead there were tears all day. I miss him so much. Afraid the tears are still here today. I miss every single thing we did, texting with our silly emojis, even grocery shopping was nice together, working together, he took such good care of me we had such respect and love for each other. He yelled I love you Robin at least 5 times as he waited to get pushed in the ambulance. The last words I heard him say, so loving and while he’s in terrible pain. Shortly after he yelled that I saw him get much worse, I do feel lucky he did that but guilt that I didn’t answer him. It plagues me.

 

Reading your accounts of the relationship you had with your husband I know he knew what your answer was, don't beat yourself up, he knew you loved him.

 

Thank you! You’re right, of coarse he knew. But it still makes my heart ache. It keeps coming back into my head. I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw him.
It’s crazy how guilt gets stuck in your brain, and for no reason.
Thanks for reaching out. Hope you having some better days.