Two months later and no one wants to hear about my sadness and grief anymore

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Heartbroken Honey Bunny, Nov 22, 2019.

  1. Heartbroken Honey Bunny

    Heartbroken Honey Bunny Active Member

    Absolutely!! My parents flew up from Florida and friends, family and coworkers texted me non stop. After one month it was like, ‘why aren’t you better?’ My mom even told me I was keeping my love from moving up to heaven because I was still grieving him. One.. month... later... Really? Add guilt to my grief?!
    I have one close friend who gets it and will always listen to me. I am very grateful for her. I have found talking out loud to my love, constantly, to be helpful. I wanted to share a website I found for jewelry that can be made in one’s handwriting. I ordered a bracelet with sentiments in my love’s handwriting so I always have part of him with me. https://capsuljewelry.com/?rs_oid_rd=2753074076832
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Afraid that’s what I’m experiencing, I’ve heard this from others too. Part of me understands, I know it’s hard to hear that I/we aren’t doing ok. I’ve actually told my brother, who was my number one best support for maybe 1 1/2 months, then he dropped me completely. I said to him, Ron and have been together 44 years, married 41 years, you can’t honestly think I’m all good after 1 1/2 months. Just try to imagine your wife is gone and how that would make you feel. It feels not only like you lost your soul mate, your best friend, your everything, but you’ve lost your life too. He got the message I was trying to send and he has been more present and supportive. So I’m glad I had that conversation with him. I did end up with just my daughter on Christmas, Ron and I always host all the holidays but when I need my relatives the most they weren’t there at all.
    Yes, it seems for the most part this a very lonely time for us all. I have my children, my daughter lives close and we support each other, my son is in Florida but he’s also supportive.
    This site has been a huge support and I know I’m thankful I found all the people on here.
     
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry your Mom said that to you. I’ve been told that also. It makes you ache even more. I told a cousin who asked how I was doing, that I’m living one day at a time. Her reply was, really, still? Wow! This sure is a hard new life that none of us want any part of.
    I’m glad you have one friend who is supportive. I also talk out loud to my husband, and it is very helpful.
    Thank you for sharing the jewelry site!
     
  4. Heartbroken Honey Bunny

    Heartbroken Honey Bunny Active Member

    I’m so sorry for your loss and the added pain of the “Still?! Really?” response. I’ve heard that too. Been told to ‘cheer up.’ Glad this is a place we can come together and support one another.
     
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you! I guessing we’ve all experienced these rude type statements. At least on this site we can say whT rude thing someone said and we get compassion. Tell the story to a different friend or relative and they’d probably say, well, why don’t you move on, why can’t you cheer up. Ugh! Torture
     
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  6. Scorpio05

    Scorpio05 Member

    To RLC I am so sorry for your loss ! Yes this site has been extremely helpful At to know we are not alone in this ! I do want to share with you and everyone a book I'm reading by Megan Devine called "it's ok that your're not ok " it's a good book! Because that's just it we walk around like we're suppose to be ok but we're not ! Everyone says we have to be and yet there are days we can barely breathe. I wonder if people just don't want to hear our stories because for us we need to talk about it , and I know for me I can talk about every detail time day and what shirt my husband was wearing. I can relive every moment of his illness for the last 5 years , but I guess it get tiring for others to hear it .
     
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Scorpio, thank you, no one in my life says sorry to me any more, barely anyone asks how I’m doing. It’s been a year and my support was gone at 2 months. But I do think that’s because they don’t want to know. Not that they don’t care, but they know we’re not ok and they don’t know how to respond. One brother told me he didn’t call me because he hurts so much for me and when he thinks of me or Ron he cries. He feels he’s no support if he’s feeling upset. I told him that is so far from the truth. If you feel upset and feel you’ll cry, to me that’s you caring and that feels good. If your stoic that feels cold. I told him please call I could use your support. No calls. Then after Christmas we were at a family gathering, he told me, please don’t think I wasn’t thinking of you on Christmas, I thought of you often I just couldn’t call. And he had tears in his eyes, he took my hand and he was so supportive. I again told him, thanks for sharing but please call. He had offered to take me for lunch when I’m up to it. I let him know last Sept im up to do lunch, still no invite. People just don’t know what to do or say for us. But it’s hurtful.
    I agree, I can give every detail of how things happened, clothing etc, people don’t want to hear it. I understand to a degree, but close family and friends I thought would be supportive to us all.
    Thanks for the info on the book. I just researched it. Looks great I believe I’ll be ordering it.
    I’ll listen to your story every day of the week, over and over. Because I know it helps. Helps to talk about it helps to share and helps to know someone will listen.
     
  8. Scorpio05

    Scorpio05 Member

    Thank you RLC , sometimes I would find myself showered and dressed on Saturday night realizing I have no where to go. I do have wonderful family and friends but sometimes I feel like the third wheel . We once were a couple now I'm not . I know it can be just as difficult for our friends and family they miss him too . And yes I have a brother and sometimes I wish he would just check in on me and kids maybe ask me how I am doing and managing it all on my own help with stuff to be fixed around my house or maybe help with lights for Christmas , just something . Everyone hurts in there own way I have to realize that but no one hurts more then me and my kids. Yes my husbands family is but we have no relationship with them. Idk sometimes I feel like I'm better off just staying quiet because I feel like I bring everyone down anyway . I do try and realize so many people are going through pain and suffering still with there own issues and my problems can't always be everyone else's , they have there own struggles and I try and be there for them as well. It's just sucks all of it . We have to be strong because like me I have kids that look to me for everything to be strong . Just some days I just don't want to be strong I'm just tired and afraid and scared that it's just me left with our two kids. I'm here to listen to you and anyone who feels they just need to let it out !
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thanks to you too. I totally get the Saturday thing. Ron and I would get dinner out every Friday and sometimes do some shopping. Now I have nothing to look forward to on weekends or any other day for that matter. I’m happy for you that you have support from family and friends, that’s great. I had good support for a couple months but now it’s pretty nonexistent. I understand that sometimes you’re just not up to being strong, I get that feeling too, but my children are adults and We all support each other. Your children depend on you and I know that can be difficult as your going through this. I know that has to be so hard.
    We all just want our life back. Our happy life.
     
  10. Bogman

    Bogman Member

    I totally get the third wheel feeling, it's something that I deal with as well. Weekends used to be entertaining friends and family or just an afternoon with my sweetheart preparing a special meal for the two of us while listening to music and sharing a bottle of wine, it's so hard to think of never doing that again...
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yes, so hard to wrap your mind around we’re never doing these things again. Makes my heart ache. The silence of our home is deafening. The no plans for any day feels horrible. Weekends, evenings and nights, so difficult. We’re all experiencing the same feelings we know what each of us is going through and that’s comforting to know that people get it. But it’s horrible.
    I have a memorial this weekend I’m not sure I’m up to to going. I’ll have guilt if I don’t but seriously questioning if I’m up to it.
     
  12. Scorpio05

    Scorpio05 Member

    Sometimes you want to be alone then other times being alone reminds us even more what our life is about. I think we start to think ok what now ? Who am I ? Am I suppose to start a new life like the one I lived for 27 years with him didn't exist ? All of a sudden normal routine is no longer there you don't even have to cook dinner if you don't want too . I read in my book that our loved one spoke our language ! They knew us better then anyone else .
     
  13. Bogman

    Bogman Member

    My goal at some point is to do these things again, it's not anything I could imagine now but after I figure out who I am, no matter how long that takes, this is what I want again. I want to believe that somehow we can all find a new happiness, I loved the life I had and I need to think that is again possible in some form...
     
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Who am I? That’s a great question. I am part of us or we, and we called ourselves one.
    So difficult get past that. I don’t want to be “I” but here I am.
     
  15. Bogman

    Bogman Member

    I love the line " spoke our language " that is exactly what it was, no one else spoke it !! Your 27 years will always exist and always be part of who you are, I look at it like the book you're reading is comprised of chapters, we are all reluctantly starting a new chapter, at the end of our lives the various chapters will tell our story. This new chapter sure starts out rough, it's awful and hurts like nothing I've experienced before but it has to get better, it will get better !! Dan
     
  16. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    You should not feel guilty about anything you do. It is your choice if you feel up to going.
     
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  17. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing the book that you are reading. I will be looking for it and hope it helps.
     
  18. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I know I shouldn’t have guilt if I’m not up to going. This family has been supportive to me so I feel obligated. But it feels difficult. My daughter would go with me if I choose to go. She’s been great, and she’s mourning her dad, misses him terribly. We support each other.
    Has anyone else gone to a memorial or funeral since their recent loss of a loved one? If so, were you sorry you went, any info would be helpful.
    Thank you
     
  19. ksteve

    ksteve Active Member

    A good friend of my wife (my kids also babysat for this same couple) had Multiple Myeloma. My wife became close friends being they both had cancer. She actually came to visit Lynn at the hospital one day before she died. She found out that same day that there were no more treatments available. This had to be extremely difficult knowing she only had 2 - 3 months to live. When I got word that she was close to death, I decided to visit her at her house (1/2 block away). Since they both had blood cancers, I new she was close. She did recognize me. This was so difficult to do but I did it for Lynn and I wanted to be there for Jim (her husband). She passed 2 days later. I received a phone call that same day asking if I would be a pallbearer. I had a medical appointment scheduled so I hesitated and said I would let them know. This appointment could be cancelled but I was really struggling with the thought of being a ballbearer. I was actually shocked that I was asked but this was at his wife's request (she planned her funeral). I guess Lynn and Kathy were closer then I knew. I accepted and said I would be honored. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not Lynn's funeral. It wasn't easy but I kept thinking that this is what Kathy wanted and I should be there for her husband. As difficult as it was, I'm glad I went through with it. It helped that my daughter went with me (it was difficult for her as well). For those of us on earth, we still need each other's support.
     
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  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you, for sharing. I can’t even imagine. Let me say, I am so sorry for your loss. Your story brings tears to my eyes, you were so strong and got strength from what you had been through even though you were grieving the loss of your wife. Because you knew what they were feeling and and going through, you pushed to be there like Kathy requested and to support her husband. What a great friend you are. I’ve pretty much decided I will attend the memorial. I am still struggling, and concerned I’ll end up crying a river. But some of the people attending know my story and would understand. I could always get up and step out.
    You’re right, we do need each other’s support, and I’m going to try and do just that. Give support, I know how they’re feeling. Thank you, ksteve
     
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