Two months ago today, was the last time I saw my Wife Susie. After 18 wonderful years together and a five year battle with cancer, she finally lost. In October of 2014 Susie was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, which had metastasized to the bone. Her cancer had the Her2 gene, which opened her up to, what was then, a fairly new therapy. There was hope and we both settled in for the struggle. After radiation, weeks of chemo and infusions of two gene specific drugs, Susie made a significant recovery. After a mastectomy and further treatment, scans reveled that she had no cancer in soft tissue and that the cancer in the bone had been reduced. We spent the next years living as the song says, "like you were dying". We cherished every moment together and our love grew stronger than it ever had been, as we rallied to fight her attacker. There were many challenges, a couple of fractures due to lesions on the bone, but she always bounced back. Flash forward to November 2019, when a fractured left femur resulted in surgery and we had hoped, recovery. We had been through this with the other femur in 2017, so we thought it would be a replay of that. After surgery, excessive pain in her left arm and shoulder, prevented her from participating in physical therapy and progressing cancer was the culprit. I had no sooner established appointments and transportation to a new round of radiation, than Susie began to show signs of confusion. I suspected perhaps an infection, but at the hospital an MRI revealed that her cancer had metastasized to her brain in multiple locations. I got to spend the next couple days with her and on the last one, she was lucid and I got to communicate with her, despite her being on a ventilator. I told her what was going on, because I know that no one had bothered since she had been confused. I held her hand, stroked her head and I told her it would be ok. I told her that she was my hero and that I loved her very much. I told her that I would see her in Heaven, that I would see her on the other side. I got to hear her say "I love you" three times that day. The following day, on January 16th, 2020, Susie passed peacefully in her sleep. For the first month and a half, I was paralyzed with grief, with fear and rendered completely dysfunctional. About a week and a half ago, I prayed to God that he lift my heart and the next morning, when I awoke, I felt a small change for the better. The weight I had felt crushing me, was lightened. The dread of waking up to my new reality and what had seemed a never ending nightmare, was replaced somewhat with an acceptance. I still cry daily and I'm still having great difficulty concentrating. I have surrounded myself with photos of Susie. Her pretty suede cowboy hat sits a few feet away in a rocking chair and I am comforted by these things. I talk to her daily and often feel her presence. At first I swear I felt her concern for me, but when I improved, I thanked her for watching over me. I told her that I would be ok and not to be concerned. I was Susie's caregiver for over 5 years and losing her has brought about a loss of purpose. I attended an online webinar which dealt with the loss of a loved one after care giving and it was helpful. At first I felt as though I was wandering through the darkness, without any sense of where I was going. My relationship with God and my music have been nothing short of a miracle in showing me the way. After years of all my interests being shelved to be there for Susie, I am becoming reacquainted with the guitar and I'm working on a song just for her. One of the hardest things I'm dealing with at the moment is the loneliness. I don't know if I will ever meet anyone again and frankly I'm not sure when if ever I will be ready. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I dearly miss that. My friends have been wonderful and very supportive, for that I am thankful, but to anyone who has never been through this, it is hard to comprehend. I feel the need to be among kindred spirits, who have dealt with similar situations. This has brought me here.