Trying to go on

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Kallen0595, Feb 8, 2020.

  1. Kallen0595

    Kallen0595 New Member

    Hello. My mom died 12/4/2019. She was hit by a car in Arizona. I live in Washington. So as I was on my way to the airport to be with her, she took her last breath. Alone.
    My mom has always been a free spirit and fiercely independent. My parents were divorced when I was about 4. Ever since I can remember my mom did what she wanted to do. She was a badass biker, ran her own business, picked up and moved when she saw fit...she was never afraid of anything. She certainly wasn’t afraid of being alone. Unlike me. I didn’t realize it, but I was coddled my whole life. Even though my childhood wasn’t the easiest, and with my mom’s free spirit like ways, it was easy to feel a little left behind, or, unimportant. Regardless though, she was always there. If I was in trouble, she’d be there, because she loved me. As I got older it became more evident. We became bestfriends. She did everything for me..my college paperwork, my taxes, even helped me with medical bills I never paid. She did it all. And she still felt like a bad mom because of the past. I always stressed to her she wasn’t, that I didn’t know what I’d do without her. I hoped she believed me. She was the best woman I’ve ever and will ever know. So strong and powerful and brave.
    She traveled around in her RV the last 4 or 5 years. That’s why she was down in Arizona. A few months there during the winter, so the gloominess of Washington (my home) couldn’t jumpstart her seasonal depression. She was here visiting before she went down there. I didn’t want her to leave but I had gotten so used to her being away, I didn’t fight it. This is what she wanted. This is what made her happy. Only it didn’t this time. The day she died she texted me, and told me she was sick of being lonely and wanted to come back to Washington to be closer to my brother and I. That she really needed me to call her so we could talk. I was at work, told her I’d call on my day off. She responded, I got sidetracked at work...a couple hours later I get the call that my mother is in critical condition. I leave work in a panic, my brother and I trying to figure out the quickest flight to AZ, we head to the airport and...you know the rest. One of the last things my mother said to me was that she was tired of being lonely, and then she died alone. I didn’t get to see her body for three days after being in AZ. Seeing her that way. Bruised even through the makeup, swollen, cold, stiff...how am I ever supposed to be okay again? And now she’s just a bag of ash left to be scattered in the wind. Her dogs, her motorcycle, her phone, her ring, her clothes, all of her things, torture me and comfort me at the same time. I know I have to keep making her proud but I feel as if I’m going through each day just to get through it. I laugh, but never for long. I cry, but never for long. It’s as if I’m feeling everything but nothing at all. I miss her so much. I just want to hear her loud obnoxious laughter. I just want to get a random text filled with all caps and emojis. I just want my mom. I’m only 24. She was supposed to see me get married, help me take care of my future children, she was supposed to park her RV in my backyard and let me take care of her in her old age. I’m sorry we didn’t get that mom. I’m sorry your last birthday was at 55, and I’m sorry I didn’t make it there in time. Everyone who has lost a parent says they know exactly what I’m going through, but no one knows what it’s like to lose you as a mother. I lost the liveliest person in my life. I lost my guidance. The one I called for everything. The one who created me. Ride like hell Michelle was her nickname. And I’m her daughter. I will always be her daughter. But how do I be me again without her?