Trying to go on

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Kallen0595, Feb 8, 2020.

  1. Kallen0595

    Kallen0595 New Member

    Hello. My mom died 12/4/2019. She was hit by a car in Arizona. I live in Washington. So as I was on my way to the airport to be with her, she took her last breath. Alone.
    My mom has always been a free spirit and fiercely independent. My parents were divorced when I was about 4. Ever since I can remember my mom did what she wanted to do. She was a badass biker, ran her own business, picked up and moved when she saw fit...she was never afraid of anything. She certainly wasn’t afraid of being alone. Unlike me. I didn’t realize it, but I was coddled my whole life. Even though my childhood wasn’t the easiest, and with my mom’s free spirit like ways, it was easy to feel a little left behind, or, unimportant. Regardless though, she was always there. If I was in trouble, she’d be there, because she loved me. As I got older it became more evident. We became bestfriends. She did everything for me..my college paperwork, my taxes, even helped me with medical bills I never paid. She did it all. And she still felt like a bad mom because of the past. I always stressed to her she wasn’t, that I didn’t know what I’d do without her. I hoped she believed me. She was the best woman I’ve ever and will ever know. So strong and powerful and brave.
    She traveled around in her RV the last 4 or 5 years. That’s why she was down in Arizona. A few months there during the winter, so the gloominess of Washington (my home) couldn’t jumpstart her seasonal depression. She was here visiting before she went down there. I didn’t want her to leave but I had gotten so used to her being away, I didn’t fight it. This is what she wanted. This is what made her happy. Only it didn’t this time. The day she died she texted me, and told me she was sick of being lonely and wanted to come back to Washington to be closer to my brother and I. That she really needed me to call her so we could talk. I was at work, told her I’d call on my day off. She responded, I got sidetracked at work...a couple hours later I get the call that my mother is in critical condition. I leave work in a panic, my brother and I trying to figure out the quickest flight to AZ, we head to the airport and...you know the rest. One of the last things my mother said to me was that she was tired of being lonely, and then she died alone. I didn’t get to see her body for three days after being in AZ. Seeing her that way. Bruised even through the makeup, swollen, cold, stiff...how am I ever supposed to be okay again? And now she’s just a bag of ash left to be scattered in the wind. Her dogs, her motorcycle, her phone, her ring, her clothes, all of her things, torture me and comfort me at the same time. I know I have to keep making her proud but I feel as if I’m going through each day just to get through it. I laugh, but never for long. I cry, but never for long. It’s as if I’m feeling everything but nothing at all. I miss her so much. I just want to hear her loud obnoxious laughter. I just want to get a random text filled with all caps and emojis. I just want my mom. I’m only 24. She was supposed to see me get married, help me take care of my future children, she was supposed to park her RV in my backyard and let me take care of her in her old age. I’m sorry we didn’t get that mom. I’m sorry your last birthday was at 55, and I’m sorry I didn’t make it there in time. Everyone who has lost a parent says they know exactly what I’m going through, but no one knows what it’s like to lose you as a mother. I lost the liveliest person in my life. I lost my guidance. The one I called for everything. The one who created me. Ride like hell Michelle was her nickname. And I’m her daughter. I will always be her daughter. But how do I be me again without her?
     
    JoNas likes this.
  2. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Dear Kallen, You already are you because of her. She influenced you to be the person you are. She put her $$ in the bank of Kallen and the dividends it will pay are up to you. You will honor her memory by how you conduct yourself. By how you make wise decisions and how you relate to others. Betcha' you will e the one everyone calls as you get older. You had an example to strength to model yourself after. Embrace that and make her proud.
    Sheila
     
  3. JoNas

    JoNas Member

    Kallen,I'm so sorry for your loss.I totally relate to all you have said.I lost my beloved Mother too.And I was her full-time caregiver. Everyday I struggle on my own to move forward without her in my life.
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Kallen,

    My heartfelt sorries to you for the loss of your mom. Your mom sounded like an amazing person in life, who was dependent on no one. She was an excellent role model for you.

    She was quite a caretaker and protector of you. That taught you how to be independant and to be a capable person who can stand on their own two feet. What a person she was.

    One day you will draw upon that strength she had, a trait that is now innate in you, this is one such time in your life it will be hard to come to terms with her loss. Think of how powerful a person she was, one who didn’t need to speak words to guide you. She will forever be in your heart.

    Losing the one who showed her love for you in so many ways is a pictorial of her life and commitment to you, her daughter. Moms are a special breed, they would walk over burning coals, stand in the way of danger, and lay down their lives for each of us.

    Wow so your mom reached out to you near the end. It had to be tremendously hard to get beyond being told of her accident. My heart goes out to you. I know separation from parents no matter the reason, divorce, the service, parting ways is so darn troubling at times, we each might at times question ourselves why.

    Seeing your mother for the last time of course was awful. I was with my dad on Valentine's day, and drove him to the doctors. He came out, got in the car and sat in silence for minutes. Then I would learn he had terminal cancer.

    I was with him when he passed two days later, as the hospice nurse told me his heart was slowing down. When he wasn’t no more, it was hard, mom stood beside me as I held her. She had lost her first husband in World War 2. So this second passing had to be crushing for her.

    Death is something that is never easy to face, no matter who it is, when it is, where it is. Those who are affected take those scars through the rest of their life. Resolving that loss is sometimes the most difficult thing we will ever face in life.

    Please try to remember all the wonderful things about your mother. Put the bad behind you and never look back.

    After dad passed I took care of mom. I fed her cats, got whatever she needed from the store, took her to dialysis, in short I was a companion of sorts as I talked and played cards with her. When she finally passed it was tough to get past.

    My own wife died of cancer. My two sons and I were with her in the final moments. It is something you never forget, no matter the circumstances. It is a memory that is etched in our soul.

    But we never give up, we never surrender to despair. Sorrow is so hard to overcome. We hate it, we are angry, we question so many things, and all we want is peace within ourselves. But first we have to face the fear we now face. We need to come to terms with it.

    Please as you are able, talk with family, friends and us as well. Your emotions are strong for your mother, so please just keep talking. Talk about anything, talk about what you miss the most about your mom, or some beautiful memories.

    I hope peace will come to you soon. Life is hard enough, so first and foremost take care of yourself.

    -david


    This song is dedicated to your biker mom


     
  5. TexGal

    TexGal Member

     
  6. TexGal

    TexGal Member

    Dear Kallen, I'm so very sorry for your loss. You are heartbroken...but you will be ok. Give it time, and just hang on for now.