Hi everyone, I am new to this site which was recommended by a friend of mine. So here goes... 82 days ago I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my husband of 33 years suddenly to a massive heart attack. Well, let me back up a little. I truthfully lost my husband 7 years ago when his mom and dad passed within 3 months of each other. He spiraled into depression and stopped taking care of himself. Putting on weight and not taking medication. I knew he was on a slippery slope but he just gave up. He was laid off from his job and ultimately I believe he felt he had no purpose. Now back to the present. I had gone to bed, before my son and husband which was common, as I go into work for 5:00 AM. Our son woke me saying mom, dad needs your help. I got up to find him on the floor not breathing, unresponsive. We called 911, I tried to help him, attempting CPR. No one tells you how hard it is to do CPR on a large person. The police arrived, emergency services arrived, they worked on him for a while to no avail. He was gone, 54 years young, gone. I flip-flopped from sad to furious. I called our daughter the oldest and my girl friend, they came to the house while we made a report to the police and waited for the M.E. to come and release the body. Then the funeral home. I think it was 3 AM when he was taken from the house. We immediately drove up to Maine to pick up my youngest daughter from school. She had just gone back. The whole ride up I kept smelling him. Just lingering right over my right shoulder. I whispered Ed if that is you, go away. I cannot deal with you right now I have to get our daughter. I could smell him on and off for about three weeks straight. We then planned the service, had the service, and picked up his ashes. 14 days went by in a blink of an eye. There where so many people. I don't think he ever realized how many lives he touched. The beautiful things people said about him. My dear son-in-law paid tribute to him that had me laughing and crying the whole time. He nailed him. There was too much food, and flowers. After his service I packed up his clothes and shoes. 11 trash bags. That man would tell me he had nothing to wear. The bags sat in my granddaughters room for a couple weeks. I kept a few things that I just could not part with. His slippers of all things. I finally donated everything to the local shelter. Many of my co-works kept saying don't rush, you don't have to do that. But it was winter and there was a coat and hardly worn boots. No they had to go they where things and it was not right to keep them. I changed our room up. New curtains and bedspread. It made it feel lighter in the room. I brought his hearing aids back to be refurbished for someone in need. The poor lady behind the desk was not prepared for me to fall apart handing over my husbands hearing aids. I was fine until she asked me his name. I just wanted to hand them to her. She looked at me, can I hug you? Sure. Do you want to sit down? Can I get you coffee, tea, a cookie. I said no. What I really wanted she could not give me. Week 3 I went back to work. Ah work, the great distraction. Getting up, going to work, seeing my people. Normal, right? Ha! I hate the drive to work. It is too quite no matter how loud the radio is or what is on the radio. I cry all the way there. My best friend calls me every morning now. Once at work I am fine. Lots of happy chatter, lots of people, lots to do. Okay, I can get through this. I scheduled to have my snow tires changed on my car. Off to the local tire company that we have gone to for 33 years. No problem, drop the car off, they call when its ready. I go to pick up the car and the guy whose been there for at least 33 years says, so how's Ed?. In my head I quickly tell myself, no crying. Why do I bother. He passed in January. The man looks at me, no. And then the normal back and forth banter I'm so sorry, etc. The other guy looks at me and says, make sure you check the air in the tires. You know what, just stop in once a month or every other month we'll be happy to check them and fill them if necessary. I love local companies. Off to schedule my lawn mower service. I notice it has Ed' name on it, but so what. I say, would you make a note to call my cellphone if needed. The young man says you want us to call you. Oh boy, here we go. Well, I guess we should take Ed's name off the account. The man says I can do that. First name, Kelly, last name, Pigeon, the same as Ed's. Address? The same. This poor man thinks I'm divorced. Everything is the same, just put my first name and my cellphone number, please. No problem ma'am. I had a doctor appointment recently. I remembered to change my emergency contact. I went to pick up a refill on a prescription. How are you Mrs. Pigeon? Ok. We are so sorry to hear about your husband. Thank you. Is that even the right response? Listen, I know people mean well, and they really don't know what to say. But please stop saying your sorry. Please feel free to say, Mrs. Pigeon, this has really gotta suck! YES!!! IT SUCKS BAD!!! Please don't look at me like I am crazy when I tell you I am angry. I suppose, as my oldest tells me all the time, Mom, stop, they don't know what to say. They feel bad for you. I say don't feel bad for me, feel angry along with me. He wasted his life for the past 7 years. I know there will be lots of that to come. I guess I was doing okay until recently. This COVID-19 social distancing thing is awful, but it is really awful when you are alone. It might be different if this was the lifestyle I had chosen but it is the lifestyle that has been dealt to me. I never wanted to be alone. Although one could argue I was alone before he passed. I was already grieving him. I don't like being alone. This should be our time. Our children are grown. Our youngest is 21. There were places to go, so much I wanted to see with him. I am very angry. I have my children and granddaughter but it is not the same. I need to know, just like my son asked me, that he knew he was loved even though he clearly did not love himself. Even though we argued all the time, always over his health. We were inseparable from the time we met. I don't know who I am without him. I need to find my new normal.