First I’d like to offer my condolences to all who have lost someone as this is the reason we are all here. This is my first time on and I don’t know if I’m doing this right. Either way I’d like to share my story. Yesterday was the first day of 2019 and like many others I had the honor of ringing in the new year with my family and friends. Most importantly with my grandmother who turned 86 the day after Christmas. We did the countdown and hugged and kissed everyone but most importantantly my grandma who got extra kisses. Having her around for another New year was always a blessing. I understand at her age each year was precious. New Year’s Day started like any other we slept in a bit late because of the celebration the night before. My husband and son left to take my oldest kid to work and I stayed with my grandparents my mother and youngest child. I was getting ready to make dinner when my mom called me into my grandparents room because my grandma looked very ill I went to see her and decided to call 911 immediately from that point on her condition deteriorated and fast by the time I knew it the 911 operator was instructing me on giving CPR I tried and tried for what felt like a lifetime but she wasn’t breathing my child was also trying desperately to assist. The paramedics arrived and took over for about 40 minutes they got her on the gurney and were still trying to revive her. We received notice from the police that they had eventually got her pulse and got her breathing again. We all rushed to the hospital and waited in the lobby until they called us to a private room.we waited and waited than the doctor came in and explained that she had 3 cardiac arrests and a stroke. They were trying to stabilize her so that we could go in 2 by 2 than afterwards another doctor came in and explained that her neuro exam was not good at all. We decided we didn’t want extreme measures my grandpa signed a DNR and we waited again to be taken in 2 by 2. Suddenly the nurse gathered us all and said come in everyone now and I knew this was it. She passed away 1/1/2019 at 7:15 PM completely surrounded by her family. It’s day 2 and I feel lost I keep seeing her face in the bathroom while I was doing CPR and my sons traumatized look in his eyes I feel like I could’ve done better if I had been faster I keep feeling the bones break as I desperately tried to save her and I feel like I failed. And now I’m here I’ve never done a support group but I feel so freaking guilty and hurt and angry and tired. Anyways I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for giving me a place to write this all down..