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Trying To Cope. I Miss Him So Much.

Discussion in 'LGBT Loss' started by MikeNYC, Apr 6, 2020.

  1. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    Keith, I am so sorry for your loss. It's been 7 months now and I still am "what if?" It's like my mind is stuck and when I think I've worked something through, it comes back again. I want answers I'll never have in this life and it is so difficult. I miss him so much. I always knew I would miss him if I lost him, but it has been so much harder than I ever imagined. I still don't see how I will ever feel any sort of happiness again. I know he would not want that, but it doesn't really help.
     
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  2. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    edi9, I feel the same. People telling me "no you shouldn't feel guilt or this or that." doesn't help me because I don't believe it. I look at the last 4 weeks of Stephen's life and think, why did I push him to exercise, why did I fight him over what he wanted to eat, why did I try to keep him sitting up longer each day so he would be stronger? What was it for? We would argue about food, exercise, getting him to a medical appointment. He would say to me "don't be short with me", just typing those words brings me to tears. He once told me he knew he was a burden, and I hated he felt that way. I said you're not ever a burden. This situation that neither of us asked for is difficult but that's not your fault. If I get short it's because I want to do more and I can't. I want to fix this and I can't. And all I think now is I want to do it all again, everything that seemed like a chore sometimes, I would give anything to be doing again. Things just won't be the same.
     
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  3. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    "Steven Crutchfield, Should I have insisted he eat and drink more so he didn't get dehydrated and spiral out of control at the end? Was I too hard at times when I got frustrated? What about all the fights over the years? Did I add extra stress??"

    Stephen and I fought over food and water so much. And now I feel I was too hard. And stress. I look back on fights we had before his tumor and think about how research shows stress can lead to inflammation and possibly cancer. And the guilt starts. Did I do this? Did I cause this? Did I hurt the person I love more than my own life this way? It's just so so hard. I know he would forgive me my shortcomings in a minute. I have cards I can read where he tells me how much he loves me and appreciates everything I was doing, but it doesn't help. I have not been able to forgive myself. And the thing that is always there is I won't see him or talk to him here again and I miss him so much. Ever day I write a letter and always end it the same way. "I love you. I miss you and I always will."
     
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  4. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    One thing I've fallen into the habit of, is any time I'm reading something or see something associated with a date has become, oh that was 3 years before the tumor, oh that was 3 months after he left the hospital the first time, oh that was a month after he passed. Does anyone else do this?
     
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  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Mike,
    You’re not greedy, you simply want more time. We all feel that way. I had a stone made that I put in a memorial garden I made for my husband. It says, Forever wouldn’t be long enough. That’s how we all feel. I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack. Took him from me in 2 hours. He had no health issues that we were aware of. And I have guilt too, but really how much could I do in those 2 hours. I got him to the hospital, called 911 as soon as I realized it was his heart. But did I miss signs previously, that night waiting to be rolled into the ambulance Ron yelled I love you Robin at least 5 times. But I never answered him. He knew I loved him but why didn’t I answer. I thought he would be ok and come back home. It’s just something we all tend to do, because we love them so much and want them back. So we must have messed up somewhere along the way. But, we loved them so much, that’s why we wouldn’t mess up, Miss something, not ask something. It’s vicious how we put ourselves through this guilt. Not necessary but we do it.
    You did everything in your power and loved him and took care of him and supported him.
    Be kind to yourself, take care of you.
    Robin
     
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  6. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    Thank you, Robin. Your words help. Would have, should have, could have is a horrible mindset to live in, but it's so hard to avoid. -Mike
     
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  7. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    I would often berate myself over being short or strict with Chuck, too, even before he died. I often apologized to Chuck for my irritability and draconian bearing, and explained to him that it was coming from a place of fear (deep, deep terror, in fact), and not because I didn't love him, or felt he was a burden. I think he understood and gave me the space to freak out every now and again. He understood that I was suffering right alongside him. One day as I was bawling my eyes out while driving to the hospital, it dawned on me that it is the natural instinct of every animal to struggle for survival, and when our lives are threatened and we cannot flee, we fight. We FIGHT! That's what the living do. And sometimes we don't know where to direct the fight and end up lashing out at everyone and everything. It wasn't so much that I think that my displays of anger or frustration in front of Chuck were OK, but it did prompt me to afford MYSELF a measure of compassion for just being human.

    I am well acquainted with anticipatory grief. I remember that I wrote a poem to express how I felt living under the specter of impending death and when I dug it out I was stunned to find I had dated it 12 years TO THE DAY before Chuck died. I am generally not good with dates, and the frantic scramble that I was constantly in while caregiving has made everything a blur. But I can pinpoint key events in our lives that I am convinced contributed directly to the decline in his health, and it kills me. And I will never be able to forget the date, the precise moment, that I realized he had left.

    As you have intimated, we loved our husbands more than life itself, and would have literally taken on their suffering if it had meant alleviating theirs, died had it meant saving them. Given that nothing short of our own deaths was enough, how could anything we did ever be "enough?" Rationally we can see how unrealistic it is to hold ourselves to that standard, but when Stephen and Chuck died, you and I both also died. Yet we still exist, and it feels completely inadequate.
     
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  8. Merna

    Merna New Member

     
  9. Merna

    Merna New Member

    My husband died suddenly from a massive heart attack, he was not sick there was no indication. We were going out to celebrate my birthday with my son and he went for a glass of water fell down and was dead. Such a shock we were married 44 years I am feeling the same as you still can not really believe he is gone. Many days the pain of his loss is unbearable, and I ask myself why am I still here. We had moved to a home on the ocean front our dream so beautiful but alone it is not what it was, life is not what it was I am lost without him.
     
  10. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    So sorry for everyone's losses here. It's so much to bear. I to struggle with the same thing. Just still can't believe he's not here, he should be here is what I keep saying. I do have good days, but then think they should be his good days too. I wish I had some good words of advice. I don't.
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I know everything you mention, and understand your pain.
    We have so much in common, how our husbands passed, is so similar. I was 19, Ron 21, when we got married. We ran our business together, I had to close and empty our shop and we planned to travel upon retirement. Retire ent was supposed to start on my birthday a couple weeks back. I ache that he didn’t get to experience life without work. We had so many plans. My birthday was extra rough because of those plans. I go down the path of why am I still here and he’s not but I know he doesn’t want me to feel that way. So I try each day to push forward and use our love as my inspiration to keep going. Trying to stay busy is what helps me the most.
    One day at a time, baby steps.
     
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  12. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    Merna, I am so sorry for your loss. I know those words don't help a lot, at least I know they don't help me. But come here and talk and share. That helps me some. I struggle every day with the loss. We're in this different world we don't want to be in but must try to live in. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. -Michael
     
  13. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    I have felt the same way, so glad that as much as I want Stephen to still be here with me, that he has not had to go through this. And if he were hospitalized and I could not see him? I don't think he or I could have dealt with that. I can not imagine.
     
  14. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    I have passed the one year anniversary. It is still very difficult. People say I will start thinking about the good times and I will smile and the grief won't be as bad. I'm not finding that to be true. Getting through the holidays has been hard, as I'm sure they are for anyone. This first year has been full of the first times since Stephen's passing that we didn't do this or share that. And I'm still going through things and deciding what to keep. Just tearing up a piece of paper with his handwriting on it brings me to tears. Everyone. Love yourself during these difficult days.
     
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  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Mike, I feel your pain. I understand how you’re feeling. Being without our special someone sure sucks. I’ve made it 2 years. And I think, how am I still here. Everything is a reminder of what we’ve lost and the wonderful life we want back. You’re not alone. There’s a big community here that understands your pain and will give support.
    I only found this site 1 month before the first year anniversary. I was not in a good place. The people here have helped me immensely. The second year was difficult for me too. But we all heal in our own time in our own way. And one day somewhere along the way a special memory will come to mind and you’ll smile. It happens so slowly. The next day you might be an emotional mess. That’s ok. The holidays and this virus sure doesn’t help.
    Let me say I absolutely love the dog tag you have. I need to order one Of those. ❤️
    I had a charm made of Rons signature that I love too.
    Maybe we can’t touch, hold or talk to them but their love stays with us forever. We do need to love and take care of ourselves.
     

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  16. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    Thank you for your words. Your charm is lovely. My dog tag amulet contains some of Stephen's ashes. On the back is a red heart and the words "SEK, I Love You, I Miss You, & I Always Will. July 2, 1944 - December 14, 2019. It comforts me that I not only have him in my heart, I carry him next to it.
     
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  17. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I just finished reading your first post and all of the replies, and so many of these feelings are the same as I have had. Waxing and waning, one day ok, the next day terrible, so much relief when I have an ok day (am I pulling out of this?) and complete despair when the next crash comes. I lost my husband, the love of my life on July 17th. Cancer complications. I don’t know how I have made it through these days without him, and no amount of preparation would have been enough. Some days I am consumed with guilt - I am a nurse administrator and he died at the hospital where I worked - feeling like I am responsible and always could have done more. There was absolutely nothing I would not have done for him, his care never was an inconvenience to me - but I easily focus on what I could have done differently to change the outcome. My rational brain knows that the outcome would have been the same regardless. We were such a team, and we really did not have fights, but we were human and we did get on each other’s nerves sometimes. We would ‘space-out’ and by evening we were past it and eating dinner together. Your comment about feeling guilty if you got short with him really hit home - I so wish I had never said or done anything that hurt this wonderful man. I have to forgive myself at some point. What I know is that I love him, still do, with all of my heart and soul and always will. I think he knew that. My wish for all of us on this site is for peace and comfort along this journey. I will pray for that today.
     
  18. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. Just knowing we are not alone helps. I know Stephen would forgive me for anything I am feeling guilty over and wouldn't want me to be in the pain I am in some days. But, I have to forgive myself and I have not been able to do that. Prayers for peace for all of us on this journey.
     
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  19. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am right where you are on this. I see a grief counselor weekly and have discussed it with her many times. She says Michael was not a grudge holder and he forgave me a long time ago. Again, my rational brain knows this is true - we never stayed mad for long - but I have not been able to forgive myself yet. I think it is more my problem than it ever was his, but will take a lot of work on my part. He always told me I had a heart of gold and put everyone before myself. He wasn’t ready to leave me. I only wish I had more time to love him better. I’ve written him many letters since he passed that sound like yours. I talk to him every day. I also believe he is watching over me and does not want me to suffer this much pain. Thanks for sharing. I’ll continue to pray for all of our peace of mind.
     
  20. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    My heart breaks for you reading this post - I pushed Michael to eat healthy, take his medicine, take vitamin c, .....what I know now, is I was fighting for his life. I felt we needed to do everything we could everything perfectly - and if we did, he would live. Hard lesson to learn that no matter what we do, we sometimes cannot control the outcome. And, if we think we did everything we could, and our loved one still died, well then, we must have done something wrong, or missed something, or not been nice enough, patient enough, the list goes on. It is a terrible torment to go through. Peace to you.
     
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