Trial bringing out my anger

Discussion in 'Loss of Loved One to Violence/Murder' started by Heather Jalbert, Dec 9, 2018.

  1. Heather Jalbert

    Heather Jalbert New Member

    It seems since the trial began to bring my brother Kevin justice for being shot down like a dog in the streets three in the back three in the chest in Coatsville PA. My anger stage of grief has come to the surface. I don't know what to do with these feelings. The dude was found guilty of 3rd deg. Which sits horrible in my guts he will be getting out at a young enough age. I am trying so hard to accept that without having evil thoughts of taking law into my own hands.
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Heather, I think anger is very normal in grief, even in circumstances when a loved one has died peacefully or to a long term illness. So in this situation when there actually IS someone to blame for your brother being gone, anger is a very natural and understandable reaction. Rather than trying to stop it, I would instead embrace it. Come to understand the connection it has to the strong love you have for your brother...and then eventually decide what comes next. Anger can only get us so far and in the end, we are the ones burned by our anger, not the person we are angry at. We suffer when we can't let go of anger and it's important to remember that releasing it doesn't mean you are condoning the actions of the person you have been angry at. Instead, it is a love you are giving to yourself and part of the love you and your brother had for each other.
    If you're not there yet and not ready for that, that's okay. But keep that in the back of your mind, as the days go on and the anger continues to simmer, could there some day be an alternative? Another place to put the pain and energy? Something that would better serve the memory of your brother, and a way to keep him in your thoughts without the pain that comes with it? Something to consider, and we'll be here with you for the duration of it.
    I am glad you are here and I do wish you healing and peace, wherever you can find it~
     
    Heather Jalbert likes this.
  3. Heather Jalbert

    Heather Jalbert New Member

    Thank you so much for your response. Found out that sentencing won't be till Jan 25 which is the day of our mothers bday!!! OIY!!!! I think what my biggest problem dealing with is actually the letting go of the anger cuz then I feel like I am accepting he's gone and that it makes it OK you are absolutley right about that!! Same with forgiveness and I know my brother wants me to be at peace with this craziness and he wants me to let go and forgive.. I just feel it's an unforgivable act? I Donno death is a part of life I know, it's.just so complicated being human sometimes? Thank u again for your time and teaching out. I really have been having a hard time lately..
     
  4. Stephanie heaphy

    Stephanie heaphy New Member

    Hi Heather,
    Thank you for sharing your grief. I am going through this also. My youngest son (24) died of a drug overdose in October 2016, my sister (44) died of chronic illness May 2017, my oldest son (28) Was murdered February 2018. Actually yesterday was one year anniversary of his murder. We haven’t even gotten to a trial yet. There were 4 people who were involved. 2 were active shooters (his girlfriend was also murdered). They are all in jail still on 1st degree and 2nd degree murder charges along with some other charges. I keep going to “hearings” just so those jerks can see my face. I am tormented by many issues but I am also mad that it is taking so long and no trial is even close. I don’t understand how the system works. They kill 2 people but are “due a fair trial”! I am angry too. Can you tell me how long it took to get to trial? And have you found anyway to deal with anger yet?
     
  5. Heather Jalbert

    Heather Jalbert New Member

    Hey Stephanie. First let me say how incredibly sorry I am for your loss.. It is such a helpless horrible process to be thrust into! My brothers murder was 0ct. 3 2016 his trial began Jan of this year he was found guilty of third.degree a total shit show was what the trial was! And our family is STILL AWAITING a sentence it's been pushed till mat16th now? So it's so crazy how the system works!? Try to stay strong I have heard people talk about closure and all that? I don't think in these type situations there is such a thing? And some things only God can forgive. I get by day to day knowing my brother is still with me always and he wouldn't want me to be sad. I don't know how my mother does it? She is so strong! I have no children but I can't even imagine the pain and suffering of losing a.child would do to me. So again my deepest.condolences to you. Justice will prevail. God bless...
     
  6. Heather Jalbert

    Heather Jalbert New Member

    Also stay in close contact with your victim advocate they can keep you up to date and break things.down for you so it's better understood.
     
  7. Dawn martin

    Dawn martin New Member

    H
     
  8. Dawn martin

    Dawn martin New Member

    Hi Heather...I hope you get the justice your brother deserve..I to Hope and pray my son gets his bless you...
     
  9. JJ Flowers

    JJ Flowers Member

    Dear Heather:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a tough road. I wanted to share (in case it helped) what I wrote about anger and grief:

    Anger often emerges in grief. It is always a wrong turn.

    The purpose of anger (nefarious and no good) is to keep you from experiencing your loss. As we experience rage, we are taken from our loss, its meaning and profundity. Anger is both proficient and devious at doing this. It is a chilling adversary to your grief.

    The targets of our fury are anyone or anything viewed as culpable in our loss. Sometimes it is our loved one themselves. For some it is the disease that took our loved one. The hardest one is when you lost your loved one to violence, when someone has killed your loved one.. Even God is sometimes the target of anger. (Taken from the highest and most rational authority, God does not orchestrate fate on earth.)

    There is always an irrationality to anger. Think of the most extreme example: a person caused the death of your loved one. This person already bears the consequences of their action, often for the rest of their lives. This is the most severe punishment possible, but understand you will not know these consequences. Your anger, strong as it may be, does not affect the guilty party in the same way that having caused your loss does. Again, even if you do not see this. SOmetimes our anger emerges because you do not perceive their remorse, indeed you might be quite certain there is no remorse here. This does not matter. Have faith that they will in fact understand the profundity of what they did.

    No matter though. Understand YOUR anger does nothing to them.

    Sometimes, when anger shows up in grief, it is because your grief is still too big to know. Experientially, anger might first appear as a fair trade: instead of experiencing your loss, you feel anger. But this is just a temporary illusion. Your grief is still there, hiding, waiting for your anger to subside or die. It is not going anywhere, no matter how much of the poison you drink.

    Some of us feel anger, but aware of its irrationality, we suppress it. We bury it inside. Throughout time people describe this kind of anger with the apt metaphor of a festering wound, one that continuously secretes poison into your body; it still works to keep you from experiencing your loss, while growing in ferocity until it manifests in an even more harmful way.

    Anger only hurts you, its host. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

    How do you get rid of it?

    Acknowledge its existence. Understand its irrationality and how it is hurting you. Then let it go.

    Close your eyes. Take ten deep breaths. (This alerts your consciousness to a shift) Conjure your loved one in your mind’s eye. Relive your happiest memories of your loved one. Add details. Now imagine your love as a glittering white light falling over them. Imagine them smiling as the glittering white light cascades all around them.

    Then, this simple practice replace anger and light the way.
     
  10. JJ Flowers

    JJ Flowers Member

    Dear Heather:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a tough road. I wanted to share (in case it helped) what I wrote about anger and grief:

    Anger often emerges in grief. It is always a wrong turn.

    The purpose of anger (nefarious and no good) is to keep you from experiencing your loss. As we experience rage, we are taken from our loss, its meaning and profundity. Anger is both proficient and devious at doing this. It is a chilling adversary to your grief.

    The targets of our fury are anyone or anything viewed as culpable in our loss. Sometimes it is our loved one themselves. For some it is the disease that took our loved one. The hardest one is when you lost your loved one to violence, when someone has killed your loved one.. Even God is sometimes the target of anger. (Taken from the highest and most rational authority, God does not orchestrate fate on earth.)

    There is always an irrationality to anger. Think of the most extreme example: a person caused the death of your loved one. This person already bears the consequences of their action, often for the rest of their lives. This is the most severe punishment possible, but understand you will not know these consequences. Your anger, strong as it may be, does not affect the guilty party in the same way that having caused your loss does. Again, even if you do not see this. SOmetimes our anger emerges because you do not perceive their remorse, indeed you might be quite certain there is no remorse here. This does not matter. Have faith that they will in fact understand the profundity of what they did.

    No matter though. Understand YOUR anger does nothing to them.

    Sometimes, when anger shows up in grief, it is because your grief is still too big to know. Experientially, anger might first appear as a fair trade: instead of experiencing your loss, you feel anger. But this is just a temporary illusion. Your grief is still there, hiding, waiting for your anger to subside or die. It is not going anywhere, no matter how much of the poison you drink.

    Some of us feel anger, but aware of its irrationality, we suppress it. We bury it inside. Throughout time people describe this kind of anger with the apt metaphor of a festering wound, one that continuously secretes poison into your body; it still works to keep you from experiencing your loss, while growing in ferocity until it manifests in an even more harmful way.

    Anger only hurts you, its host. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

    How do you get rid of it?

    Acknowledge its existence. Understand its irrationality and how it is hurting you. Then let it go.

    Close your eyes. Take ten deep breaths. (This alerts your consciousness to a shift) Conjure your loved one in your mind’s eye. Relive your happiest memories of your loved one. Add details. Now imagine your love as a glittering white light falling over them. Imagine them smiling as the glittering white light cascades all around them.

    Then, this simple practice replace anger and light the way.