Too many deaths to process...

I have helped everyone else in the family with their grief while ignoring mine. Outwardly I seem fine, but I have internalized everything. I am strong so they never check to see how I am doing, and if I am being honest, I’m really struggling to be upright on most days. It is completely impacting my health.

I hardly know where to start in this grief. My Grandpa died 5 years ago, and we focused on how my grandmother was doing. Then my Grandmother died, and our focus turned to my Mom. 2 years ago, I was aiding my dad who was gravely ill when my Mom was taken to the hospital. I repeatedly asked my sister if I needed to leave my Dad, who she is not close to, and fly to see Mom. She kept telling me no. Well, our Mom died unexpectedly and deep down I resent listening to my sister.

My Mom’s passing dissolved the world I had known as we were extremely close. I thought I was doing better and then 6 months ago, we had to put our dog down and this absolutely destroyed me. It brought all the grief I had stuffed down to the surface. I know some will say he was just a dog, but to me, he was more than that and helped me cope with the loss of my Mother.

2 weeks ago, I had to put my Dad in home Hospice care where he will most likely pass in the next few days. In his final days, he has chosen to chastise me about my Mother and their bitter divorce, which was over 40 years ago, and had nothing to do with me. It was emotionally and physically exhausting!

Last week, my cousin who is only 2 years older than me died unexpectedly from a stroke. It’s all too much. With my Dad in Hospice, I know the guillotine is still swinging. I literally feel like I cannot fully breathe.

I have tried talking with friends, but they do not really understand, and while I am traditionally a very patient and understanding person, I can no longer tolerate their tone-deaf complaining of their family.

I know things get better with time but right now I am not seeing it and just need to primal scream in my car.