Today it really hit me

I lost my mum on the 31st of August and today it's really getting to me. It was so sudden. She had been a little bit ill for around two weeks and I had been by her side almost the whole time. The night before I was unsure about leaving her but she told me to go out and have fun. Never in a million years did I expect that the next morning I would get a call from my dad saying she has passed away.

She was my whole world, my best friend and my soul mate and I can't wrap my head around it. I can't imagine what my younger brother and sister saw who were trying to revive her while my dad was on the phone to the ambulance.

It turns out that she had mostly symptomless cancer and there was nothing anyone could do but I am so angry for not doing anything. I should have told her to go to the hospital and maybe they could have done something. I keep replaying the last few days in my head and seeing if there's something I could have done.

Today has been the hardest day so far, I just want to hear her voice or have a hug from her and i can't really explain the way I feel, it's like a mixture of sad and angry all at the same time. I want to punch a wall but I also just want to breakdown and cry and scream.

I feel like my family are angry at me because I wasn't there and I don't have the truma that they do, witnessessing her passing away. I just don't really know what to do with myself or how to feel. I feel guilty because I have hardly cried but I think it's because it still fully hasn't hit she's gone.

I'm sorry if none of this made sense. My head is all over the place right now and I don't really know how this all works, my boyfriend found this website for me after I told him I wanted to talk to people who know what I'm going through.

 

So sorry for your loss of your mum. My mom passed on the 13th of Sept and my husband on the 22nd. I feel exactly what you are going thru. I have made it almost 3 months and I still feel like that some times but I made it. It is so hard at first and crying is your new best friend besides sadness. Don't stop the tears when they come best to get thru them. I know it makes you feel bad but if you stifle them they come back twice as hard. You will stop feeling angry, took me awhile. Yes, the hardest day is when you want to hear them or hold them. I miss them so much too. Don't let your family make you feel guilty, this is their grief and you have enough of your own. They will need to get help for themselves, like you are. Lean on the people you can and except help. Great people here. They made my day better by just talking to me. What more could I ask for. Hope you feel better. Hugs!