To sudden

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Bonniekaye65, Apr 13, 2020.

  1. Bonniekaye65

    Bonniekaye65 New Member

    my husband committed sucide of the morning on 3/2/20. He planned this with great detail to perfection. He knew i wasnt going to be home late due to a dr appointment after work. I got home checked on him, he appeared to be sleeping so i left him alone. I later went to bed and slept next to him, i woke up and felt him a couple hours later and he was cold and hard. At that time i thought he died in his sleep. When the police got to my house they turned on the light and thats when i seen bim, the blood and a skeleton of the man that use to be.
    I am so crushed words cannot be used or said being when he died he took the best of me with him. I miss him.
    I need help i cant sleep im functioning only because i went back to work, but i only function there.
    I need to find who i am without him and to live without him.
    My husband left this world with no signs, no note and no clues. He appeared to be himself, sming, laughing and joking around, being his goofy self.
     
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Bonnie,

    I am very sorry for your loss of your husband, words can’t adequately convey how bad I feel for you. I hadn’t spoken to my younger sister Catherine for over two weeks, and when I was on the phone earlier today with her she told me her first husband Jimmy had committed suicide.

    He was the father of her two sons and one daughter. I can remember him from High School, just can’t believe it. Life sure can be a complete mystery. Life sure throws some awful curves to us all. My sister talked with me for so long. I just don’t know why things happen sometimes.

    Bonnie I know a loss like this sometimes has no answers, even when we wish it did. We all get in a routine and move through life sometimes unaware of what is happening around us. When we discover events that affect us or those we know and love we find it hard to sometimes find those words that will help with that loss.

    I know it hurts, I know my sister is bothered for how her children feel, what can I say. I don’t know if I ever want to know the answer of why Jimmy did it, but I am sure Eric, Jason, and Marcie are profoundly affected. I Just know each of my nephews and niece will miss him, even though they had a hard relationship in life.

    The loss of your mate is one that will be hard to get beyond. The way he passed will also make it hard as well. Bonnie, all I can say, when I lost Nadine my wife, I had years to prepare, as did my two sons. Even when the day came and she passed it was so damn hard to accept. I won’t kid you I struggled with her loss for years, as did my sons. For me it took time. I needed to talk with so many people, priests, counselors and psychiatrists. Even after all those times together she was just so much a part of me I found it difficult to accept.

    Bonnie, I don’t believe knowledge of why would ever help as I knew why Nadine was going to leave us, and cancer did not make me feel any better. It was a period in my life of searching for a reason to be happy again.

    I lived in our photos, videos, slides, her music and so many letters to each other while I was in Vietnam. Finally music started to connect to my soul. So I would listen to so much music.

    Music from those we had attended concerts together as a young couple. All my music from my Vietnam days we lived and watched on the news. Music brought her back to me. I was with her again and one day realized she had never left me in spirit, she was right there with me by me in spirit.

    I awoke from a dream one day near her birthday. A spirit all in white laid on my chest. I felt comforted by that knowledge. I believe it was Nadine reaching out to me in my greatest time of need.

    From that day forward I searched the internet for a place to talk and found this site. I started to post and open up again about my loss, and this time my words helped me a lot. Others at this site came to my aid and I realized, even though I am a man of faith and believe in God that sometimes us mere humans need each other's comfort.

    I will tell you today, sure I shed tears for Nadine, but they are loving tears, not tears that hold me back in life anymore. So I will ask you, if you can find a way to talk with us, be as open as you wish. Tell us how you are feeling, tell us your stories and hopefully you will start to find healing.

    I hope you will continue to talk more. Please never give in to despair, just reach out for help. You are no longer alone. Peace be with you today.

    -david


    This is a peaceful melody I put on loop when I read - so soothing\





    This song is for you


     
  3. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Bonnie, I'm so sorry for your loss and all that you must be going through. There is no good way to lose someone we love but following a suicide the griever is left with more questions than answers. We always wonder what we could have done or should have done differently and we can spend so much time looking back at the signs we must have missed. I find that the pain and issues that bring a person to suicide are so big and so powerful. They are so much bigger than even the greatest and strongest love. Who you are and what comes next will unfold itself in time - for now it's about learning this new life and adapting to all this change that you didn't want and didn't ask for. Support really can make a difference and I'm glad you've found us. We have a wonderful community of supportive grievers and I hope we can be a help to you~