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To All, Talking about loss

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by David Hughes, Mar 10, 2020.

  1. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    One of the toughest things each of us will ever encounter in our short lives is opening our hearts to one another. Telling a complete stranger we are hurting inside.

    I realize we are all different, our losses may be so different, but and this important I made my first post on these forums on Sep 25th of this year. Before that happen years had passed since the loss of my wife to cancer. I felt so hollow inside, unable to resolve my sorrow.

    I am here today to tell you, it has now been almost 6 months talking with people like all of you, I have had the opportunity to open up inside and unload all those pent up unresolved emotions I had. Thank you all for you wonderful thoughts, and caring insights.

    I learned grief can last a long-long time if you are unable to face it. The most wholesome place to talk of loss is with others who have faced loss. They hold the scars of life. The bad memories we all have. I made two posts that perhaps all have not seen.

    I will add them to this soon, but I can now see that even though I don't have all the answers in life I have been searching for, I am not alone anymore, I am with you, those who may have tears in their eyes, pain in their heart, and grasp for answers to unresolved loss.

    Please read what I have written in these two posts and think about them a bit. They come from my heart. I give thanks to everyone who has listened. I was going to call it a wrap so to speak and move on, but God, oh God I see all you asking for help and I hear you.

    Here are my posts:

    Post 1

    KatB, After reading your response I knew I had to respond. You said, “Five years and it's still amazingly hard? That comment is both terrifying and sad. I don't have years of strength in me to grieve like this. “

    Please don’t feel bad for me, for life and the experiences I had are what made me as a person. Sure I have regrets like any normal person would have, for that is just me being human. I will put them in perspective for you and everyone else. I am at peace with myself. I have faced the death of many people in my life, from many-many types, I won’t dwell on them.

    The one saving grace is, those that passed on, did not stop me from living. I did not give up on life. Sure I had days of grief, tears flowed, and some days were very hard to get through.

    Why might you ask? Remembering someone is important to me. I will admit I have dwelled a bit too long for one reason or another, but, and I stressed this for each of you, I made it through that duration of troubled time. Please don’t ever feel like you can’t overcome grief if you remember someone. The beauty of life is recalling those who affected us. There is nothing wrong in crying, even for a man, those tears help you move forward.

    I won’t kid any of you. Time and grief do not flow parallel to each other, they act independently of one another. So even though I talk of my wife often, she is the one who I spent over half of my life with, almost half a century. So she is ingrained in me.

    As a feeling person you can’t help but be emotional on holidays, others’ happy events, and so many things that we might experience over a day. It is those times when I get caught up in my thoughts of what I once had, and so the day might drag, tears might well up and flow, and words may be tremendously hard to say.
    I have no problem getting up each day to face it, no matter the situation. I rise at 3 am each day to feed two cats. I am up and about for the next 16-20 hours with no naps, no bouts of feeling sorry for myself .

    • I don’t feel depressed. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke (I quit all of that way over a decade ago).

    • I keep in touch with friends, my family, not just by phone, but by visits when possible.

    • Even though I am retired and now age 71, I keep myself occupied each and every day.

    • I also keep myself informed about what is happening in the news, locally and around the world.
    So in closing, there is no terror anymore in my life, I am so past that now. There is only tomorrow, and the feelings that will arise as I live that day to the fullest.

    Please take care of yourself, seek help when you need it, and never give up on yourself or others.


    Post 2

    Bogman and everyone,

    The one thing I will take away from living with grief - don’t hold it inside you, it will eat you alive. Release it through talks, through your emotions, through guidance and your interactions with others.

    Each one of us will feel unbearable pain, like there will be no end, but isn’t that what life is all about. One of the reasons my journey has been so long is being unable to talk about it to others. I had to wake each day, feel totally broken inside and not be able to open up.

    People had already heard it already so they didn’t want to hear it anymore. But what they don’t realize is, all you as a person are doing is asking for help in a roundabout way. My lesson in my journey with grief was finding those who also were struggling with loss.

    I won’t deny some losses are harder to overcome than others, but the one common thread is that absence you are now struggling with. In the service, we always were aware of how each other's mindset were. Why, because we depended on them and they on us. So when we noticed another in need, we would help them find someone who could help them. Grief is no different in life, it just has different stages of pain.

    This forum, and others like it all over the world are a necessary part of our lives. It is as if we have been lost for so long, seeking answers for ourselves in the hopes of a better tomorrow for each one of us. You just have to keep seeking help, and for God sake don’t stop if you are still feeling down. If you as a person are unable to help someone, ask others or help them find someone who can help them.

    I have read so much about pain, seen so much pain in others that it is a normal reaction for each of us to feel others pain as they speak of how they feel. BUT, and this is important, by interacting and opening up our hearts to others we let others see our pain, and then allow those reading to also reach out and open up.

    Each of us are in a safe place in this forum. You may not see all the answers each of you seek, but the one unseen thing we have to accept is, have faith in ourselves. We may make mistakes on our way to healing our mind and spirit, but just keep talking, keep asking and understand you are no longer alone. You are among others who are on that road of grief with you.

    Take care for now. Tomorrow is another day into the unknown. Lastly, the bravest thing you can do as a person is walk forward. Peace be with each of you.


  2. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Nicely expressed David.
  3. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    Hi David,

    I only saw these posts tonight. My dad passed away March 17, 2020 - so I wasn’t here at that time. I’m just learning how to find posts, etc. Thank you for all you do.