Three months tomorrow...

at 3:45 a.m., my husband died. My emotions have been all over the place. I've been doing all the things I usually do to cope, but I feel like I'm slipping into that dark place again. I can't let myself sink into this darkness. I'm afraid if I do, I'll never find my way out of it.

Everywhere I go, I'm reminded of my husband. Last week, I was in the grocery store (I really didn't need anything, but needed to be out of the house). I saw a man with the same build, who seemed to be about the same age as my husband, wearing the same tropical shirt that I purchased for my husband. I bought it for him to wear, on what would became the last cruise we took, before we knew he had cancer. Seeing that shirt brought back so many memories... I started crying, in the middle of the produce department. I had to leave the store. The memories were so vivid, so beautiful... It was one of our favorite cruises. I sat in the car, turned on the AC, and just cried... I miss him so much...

Now, being just hours away from the time he passed away, all I can see, is my husband, already gone, wrapped in a white sheet, the intubation tube still in his mouth, down his throat. These memories are just as vivid, the heartbreak I'm feeling is so intense, I can't even begin to describe it. I miss him so much...

I'm physically and emotionally drained. I took some melatonin awhile ago. I'm going to try to sleep. I don't know if it's possible. I know I'll get through tomorrow, but right at this moment, I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of my life without the one love of my life, my husband, my soulmate, my "person."

I needed to put my thoughts into words. It helps to know I'm not alone, that even though all of our grief journeys are different, we all understand this total heartbreak. Thank you for "listening."

 

I'm tearing reading this. So much of what you said I went through about the same time 3 months. It's been 8 months now for me. One of the worst memories for me was when the funeral home came to the house to take Jack away they zipped him up in a white bag, I said no he can't breath. I was in shock. I hate that memory.

The darkness you speak of I go there too and their is nothing that helps, it's dark depression. It's a place I don't like to be because it scares me. I feel like I could jump over a rail and not care. Sounds horrible. But, then somehow within the next day or two I'm out of the darkness into surviving again.

I think a lot of us don't know how to get through the rest of our lives. I used to dwell on it to the point it made me sick with fear. Couldn't stand thinking about it, so I just let it go. It still scares me from time to time.

The days, weeks and months will go on and you will survive, we all will, somehow. Thanks for your post.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling all this but I definitely get it. I don't think people get how draining grief can be. Its been a little over a year for me and if it wasn't for our kids I know there is some days I wouldn't get out of bed. They motivate me to keep moving. Each day is a challenge for us all but we will get stronger with each passing day .

 

Hi Deb ,I feel your pain and emotion .I wish I was there to give you a hug ,and tell you everything will be fine .I guess this journey of grief we are all going through is going to be like waves !! one day we seem to be coping and then we get knocked back to the reality of our loss ! Some mornings I put 2 cups out for our coffee .Then the tears come from no where .My husband too was on life support and even though his heart had stopped I thought he was still breathing as I lay across his chest . I then realised that the ventilator machine was still going .I wish you peace Deb , and we will find the strength from all our beautiful memories of years of being cherished and loved Lorraine x

 

I am so sorry for your pain - I know your feelings too well. My husband died suddenly almost six months ago and nothing could have prepared me for the pain of losing him. My kids try to help me but they’re grieving too. There is nothing anyone can do or say to make it better - I guess I just have to get through it but sometimes I feel like that is impossible. I just get up every day and go about my life. Praying for all of you.

 

(I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. It's been a very difficult week for me.) I can't even begin to imagine how painful this memory is for you... I wish I could give you a big hug, and just tell you, that as time goes by, it will slowly fade, as you think of all the very special, and beautiful moments, you spent with Jack... Back to reality, I pray that the more time that goes by, all of us will be able to remember many more happy moments than sad ones, when we think of our loved ones who are no longer with us. Right now, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to erase the images from the last moments I spent with my husband. I still wake up in the middle of the night, crying, unable to fall back asleep, whenever I think of them.

I hope someday, the future won't be such a scary place for us. I try to have a positive outlook, but as more time goes by, it's getting harder, instead of easier.

Praying for strength for all of us, that we will not only survive, but find purpose and meaning in life again, maybe happiness, or at least something close to it, as we continue along this path that we did not choose to be on. Many more hugs... Wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Grief is all encompassing. It consumes every single minute of every single day. There is no way to escape it. I agree with you that we will get stronger the more days that go by. We have to, the alternative is way too scary to think about. Sending hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

I think of my grief journey as a seemingly never ending roller coaster ride, with way too many downs, and not enough ups. Hopefully, one day, we'll all be able to get off of this seemingly endless roller coaster ride. Grief is so unpredictable. I really like the way you expressed it. I agree, this grief journey is like waves... I can't even sit at the kitchen table every morning. It's too difficult seeing that empty chair, so close to mine, where my husband should be sitting.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace...

 

Grieving is the most difficult and challenging process I can possibly think of. My children, while they miss their father, are all beginning exciting new chapters in their lives. They're able to move on, but I can't. I'm happy for all of them, and know my husband would want me to move on too. I want my husband to be proud of me. He is the reason I get out of bed every morning, and try to find some meaning..., a new purpose in my life. Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Hello DEB..
I also lost my husband 3mos ago.. What I am feeling can't put into words. All the emptyness.. We've been together for 7yrs and married for 4mos.
I don't know, he is my home. Our life will never be the same again. I think wherever I go he will always be a part of me. Maybe one day we will learn to smile again, a true smile. But deep inside the pain will remain. I hate to say that half of me had died with him because I know God has a plan for us but that's how I feel. I am hoping with God's promise to all of us who believe in Him that one day we will see each other again. On that day life is eternal, no more pain, no more tears. Personally I am dreaming of that day that I will get to hug my husband again, hold his hand, hold his face. I just hope God would allow us to know each other on that life time. Its really painful that I struggle to keep my faith, why this happen to me and my husband. I love him so much. It's really really sad and I miss him everyday. And I don't know what's ahead of me without him.
But we have to continue DEB, Gosld has a plan, a beautiful one for us I know. We have to keep our faith. We have to believe. They're just here with us by spirit. I know, watching us.. We just lost their physical body but one day we will be with them again forever.

 

I just wrote a response to your post, but it's vanished. Don't know what I hit to make it disappear. I'm way too technically challenged!! I'm exhausted and my brain is scrambled, I'll have to rewrite it another day. For now, just sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Hi, I read everything on my email. Every word you said there are all true. And I really feel you DEB.. I REALLY FEEL EVERY WORD.. I move in my sister's house now, with her daughters one teenager and 3 year old baby and our mother. It really help a lot on my case, surrounding myself with family. I hesitated at first. But I limit myself with their presence for now. There are times I still feel the emptyness, because my husband is my home, like you, I miss everything about us, about him, thinking about the things we can still do and explore together. This is the sad truth we need to face every day. The loss, the emptyness, the longing. I started to focus on reading bible. At first just to search for some answers. It also help me DEB, to understand the beautiful promise God has for us, that there is a possibility that we will see our loved one, one day. For there is no more pain, no more death, no more tears. I learn to hope. I learn to trust God. Though sometimes I can't still imagine the reality in front of me. I really miss him.
I am sending you also a big hug, know that someone here truly understand you, willing to listen and a shoulder you can cry on.. Keep your faith DEB, God has a good plan for all of us. Lift everything up most specially when you feel the sadness and the pain. I can give you my email if you like. Stay strong. Our husbands are watching over us. Try to smile again he can see you..

 

Hi DEB, how are you right now? I hope you're doing just fine. Know that there's someone here to listen to you, always.. Hug tight..

 

Thank you so much. I greatly appreciate your support!

I'm so sorry I haven't been here lately. I had been having trouble with my phone for a long time. It wasn't worth fixing, so I bought a new one. Being as technically challenged as I am, I had my neighbors' daughter transfer everything from my old phone to my new phone. When she did this, over 2500 emails appeared in my inbox! I didn't realize that they were being stored in iCloud. Many of them were written over twelve years ago, and had pictures attached to them. The pictures brought back so many special and beautiful memories, of vacations and holidays, spent with my husband, children, and friends. I wasn't ready to look at these. I spent most of Saturday crying, alone, and lonely, but not wanting to be around anybody (if this makes sense). Sunday I forced myself to take a long walk and felt a bit better. I called a friend from "home," and talked to her for a long time. Monday was another very challenging day. My emotions have been all over the place. I want so much to find a way off of this seemingly never ending roller coaster ride of emotions...

I believe everything happens for a reason, so I think I was meant to see these pictures at this point in time. Looking at them has forced me to travel deeper into my grief journey. There is no escaping grief. I know I have to go through all this darkness, in order to (hopefully) find peace, light, again...

I pray that tomorrow will be a better day, not only for me but for all of us. Once again, thank you for being here for me, for "listening." It helps just knowing you understand, but I wish so much you didn't have to. Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace...

 

Good to hear from you again. And that your neighbor's daughter helped you with your phone.
I know about crying alone being lonely, about never ending roller coaster ride.. Believe me.. Sometimes I also wanted to be just alone, to just remember him. Everywhere I look, everywhere I went, no matter what I do I always long for him, think about him. I can't even pick up our wedding album and portrait to our wedding organizer because I am scared to see it. But from time to time I uploaded some photos of our good memories together for I want everybody to see my husband just like that happy and alive even thru pictures. It's hard to see those at the same time. But this is our reality now. We can cry, but we should keep going. Just think that they are still here with us, watching us. I dreamed of him the other night we are just smiling to each other and holding hands.
Glad to hear you went outside for a walk and you talked to a friend. We will get through this Deb.. God is good, and works in mysterious ways we can never imagine.
Sending you also my long tight hug, and to everyone here who's going through the same as ours big hug to all of you. Keep safe and know that you have someone here to always willing to listen.
God bless us all..

 

Given the circumstances, I think it would be way beyond difficult for anyone in your shoes, to be able to pick up the wedding album and portrait. To look at those pictures, relive all the joy from that very special day in your life, and then to experience the intense sorrow, total heartbreak, from knowing that you will never be able to share these treasured pictures and memories with your husband, is truly devastating. It must seem so surreal, that four months ago you married the love of your life, were so unbelievably happy, looking forward to the future, and then, one month later, your life, your plans, your dreams, shattered...

I think it's a very positive step in your grief journey, that although it's difficult, you're able to share pictures of your husband during happy times. Although everyone's grief journey is unique, I like to think of "baby steps," as we go through the grieving process. As of this moment you're able to share some pictures of your husband during happy times. In the future, you'll be able to pick up your wedding album and portrait. At first, those pictures might trigger both happy and sad tears. Later on, I hope the sad tears, will be replaced by (mostly) smiles, whenever you look at them, and remember that very special day in your life...

Sending you lots more hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Thank you so much Deb.. Every word that came out from you really go straight to my heart..
I'm speechless.. How I wish I can really hug you. A feeling of never ending roller coaster, indeed..
Yesterday I cried a lot, missing him so much. Then again the question of WHY.. He didn't wanna go. A month after he died I saw him in my dream, he hugged me, said "I'm Sorry" I was crying on his chest. Two words, but it feels like it explains everything he has to say. I feel comforted and sad at the same time. Feels like he's sorry because he had to go, he's sorry that I feel this way sad, lost.. And he's sorry he can't do anything now but to hug me like that, in my dream. But his hug makes me feel also that it's his way of saying he's just here beside me no matter what.
Deb, I also wish one day you'll able to smile, though we know for sure we will never be the same again. But we need to prepare ourselves for the day we will meet them again. Sadly, we didn't get to have a child that we long for, but I believe there's a reason for everything.
Deb, I wanna ask about your age, but I don't know if its okay to ask it here. Hope we can exchange emails but I don't know how.
Virtual hug Deb and to everyone here.
God bless us all.

 

You are so lucky Vv18. Your love came back to you, in dream. You felt his hug.
Wish i could feel that too.
It has been 3 months I lost my husband to covid-19.
I dream about him everyday.
But even in the dreams, he is always sick and hospitalised.
And I am running around trying to save him, and the despair is all engulfing.
Then I wake up out of sheer panic, and realise that whatever I was running away from in my dream has already caught up with me.
My husband is beyond saving now, and I feel I cant live the day out.
I have lost all my will to live, but still have to live for our children who are so young.
I hate being such a wimpy coward, but I dont know how not be so hopelessly scared and sad.
But I wish you all better luck, and hope you will come out stronger than me.