Thought I was ready, but obviously not

More than a year after my husband's passing, feeling emotionally stonger, I thought, maybe, it is time to open his folder of memories: photos and videos. Seeing him, made me smile but hearing his voice, broke me badly. Now, I am not so sure if i must pack it away, again. His voice echoing now and it feels like I am back to square 1, again.

 

I know what you mean ... I found a tape recording Mike made and sent to me while he was on a trip years ago. It took me back to square one as you say. But time must be helping because I did not stay there for more than a couple of days. Maybe that's how grief works...you keep circling back to the endless pain but each time around you stay there for less time. I don't know.

 

Thank you for making me feel "normal."Thank you for your honesty in expressing/sharing your experience. I suppose, there is no timeframe for grief. Hugs from the other side of the globe.

 

I love hearing my husbands voice and seeing his video with the grandchildren. Idk, It makes me feel like he is here with me. I cry everyday still but I think it is getting less. Also when I dream of him , it gives me comfort. I love just seeing him, he was and still is my heart and soulmate. Life sucks and it’s hard to believe that he is gone. It’s like he is missing and I can’t find him. I wonder if this is what it is like for everyone? Or maybe I am the crazy one.

 

Nope Cora you're not the crazy one unless I'm crazy too. For the first few months I felt so strongly that he was just out somewhere that I couldn't leave the house without leaving a note saying where I was going. You know just he came home and wondered where I was. I have gotten past leaving notes (my kids found out and told me I was nuts) but still, at times, expect him to just come home.

 

I've noticed over time that my grief is like a viscous liquid that's a little like pancake batter. You know how when you pour a ladle of batter onto the hot skillet and tiny bubble rise to the top and burst? There are little pockets of tears inside me at all times, feels like, and almost anything can catalyze them to come to the surface: a memory, noticing his bathrobe hanging on the hook, seeing old photos, an old song from a summer vacation weekend, or wishing I could make gravy the way he could, or even the angle of the sunlight at the time of year he died --any of these can do it. The difference is, after 3 years, the pockets burst a little less intensely, and for shorter times. But I suspect they will never stop rising and waiting to surprise me by falling out of my eyes.

 

At one stage, I also felt like, "I was going mad." Used to remind family members to watch their voices, lower their tone, as I was keeping my ears to the doorbell. Then was asked, why? Was I waiting for someone? And I just cried. Made a confession to them that I was hoping that "he" would come and fetch me. You are fortunate that he comes and visits you in your dreams, as I don't. Though there was one instance, during the anger stage where I saw his bruised hand (he had bruises due to MDS) wanting to hug me and I said No. Then another attempt to hug me, and finally raised my voice and said again, No!. Woke up crying, regretting and heartbroken that I did not welcome the hug. Then I whispered and say, " Come back when I am stronger."

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. Big hug from the other side of the world.

 

Hello ainie ... i am also hoping fr my dad to come back whenever the door bell is ringing or whenever my phone light is on i am thinking it will flash " Bobs". But no ... this pain is unberable indescribable . I still sit in front of my dad's photo in his room and pray like crazy to call me by my name.

 

Hugs. It is so hard. I have breakfast in front of two pictures of Mike and a candle every morning. I talk to him and tell him my plans for the day. I don't think a relationship of love can just end so suddenly. Time will make it easier.

 

It’s hard every day, I just try to take one day at a time. Keeping busy is hard right now but I just try to do anything to occupy my mind or I go into a depression.

 

I like hearing my fiancee's voice and seeing his smile. I cry hearing and seeing it but it makes me feel good too. The kids like looking at them too. So I mainly do it for them. They are so young so I no I'm goin to have to do it often to help them remember him. I feel so empty without him til I look at his pictures and have a conversation sometimes. I still keep think this is a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from and he'll come home. My kids ask for him everyday.

 

Yep was in the same boat about 30 minutes ago, I lost Aimee about 3 months now.I have some clothes we kept at my house that we rotate in and out, due to us spending the night at my ranch or at her trailer depending where her daughter was going for the remainder of the day.
Anyway she kept about 3 out fits in rotation and I don't want to mess with the memory too much. My roommate wants me to move them but he can go get bent. I had all of these memories and times she wore these clothes. She even kept the shirt I accendently ripped when getting frisky. I can watch it play like movie in my head. All the while crying and screaming her name and how much I miss her...
I knew moving these clothes was going to hard and tried to prepare a little. I knew it was going to be hard like this but wasn't ready for her smells that was the punch to the face, instant screaming and sobbing. I was going to move them, but nope it's my memory and my room I'm not hurting anyone so if the clothes make me happy there to preserve Aimee's memory there they will stay. I. Miss you My Angel -look at what a nut I've become- but hey whatever gets me through another day.
-Jonathan Staufenbiel -A man of experiences...

 

You will deal with it in your own time. Do whatever is the most comfort for YOU right now. She's with you. She knows you are hurting terribly for her. She feels your love. Don't ever think she doesn't. She's just in a different place now.

 

Yes! They are your memories. Your timing!!

 

Not de-rail or hijack the thread, so I'm just going to say it.
Dreams boy, I want some with my sweet Aimee, I never daydream her coming home, because we were together 22hours a day. As she called me her "White Knight" she would say, I love when pull up in my driveway I watch you walk all way to my door, she really knew how to tug at my heart strings...I ask her to visit, I imagine in time they will come. Usually when I'm least expecting just because that's when I begin to dream...I miss you my Angel., your welcome in my mind anytime my sweetness...

 

You are lucky to dream of her. That is one way spirits connect with us. I definitely believe that but Jerry hasn't come to me like that yet. I never dream anymore. He was gone from the house in hospitals, rehabs or e/rs for the 3 mos before he passed. It's been forever since I've had a good dream....Definitely keep telling her that you are open to the good dream of her.

 

First off Thank you for your response, I appreciate it so very much. Yeah I love dreams. I really want to get good at vivid dreams. I've just got back into journaling my dreams, because you won't remember specifics clearly.
I haven't had anything that Screams Aimee, but that's fine. The perfect dream will come in time. I'm sure she will give me an Amazing Dream or Dreams, I'm sure she trying to make it as special. Thats my Aimee.I love and miss you so very much !!!

QUOTE="Liley773, post: 12036, member: 15755"]You are lucky to dream of her. That is one way spirits connect with us. I definitely believe that but Jerry hasn't come to me like that yet. I never dream anymore. He was gone from the house in hospitals, rehabs or e/rs for the 3 mos before he passed. It's been forever since I've had a good dream....Definitely keep telling her that you are open to the good dream of her.[/QUOTE]

 

She will. She is still trying to figure this stuff out. My husband has given me subtle signs that he's around but it took a little bit.

 

Hi to all,
My loss is 18 months ago. I got visits or messages or dreams, whatever we should call them, I got some very early after Ron passed. The first was the day after he passed. I was half asleep on the couch and I saw him, right next to me, clear as can could be. It was pretty fast but made me cry. He looked right at me. I took it to mean, I’m still with you. I’ve had many visits, but somewhere around 7 months I was in bed and all the sudden Ron was standing next to the bed. I asked him to come closer, he did, I told him I need to feel you, he got in bed next me, held me. After a while I felt him start to move, I asked him to please stay longer, he did. It’s the most wonderful experience. So comforting. When I get up in the morning after such a visit, it’s hard to explain what happened. Feels like a dream yet different. You feel your person, you communicate with them and I’ve smelled him. It’s wonderful.
I believe we all will have this type of experience, just be open to it. Don’t push for such a visit. When I beg I don’t get them. It’s a natural occurrence.
My daughter had a visit from Ron too. He sat on her bed, and she felt him and she looked over and saw him.
Maybe you’ll all think I’m crazy and maybe I am, but it sure feels real. Our loved ones are working on ways to be with us and let us know they’re ok and watching over us. I’ve started writing them all down, it helps sometimes as I’m writing I remember things I hadn’t remembered when I started writing.
Hoping we all get visits soon.