Thought I was coping

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Bluesky, Aug 27, 2016.

  1. Bluesky

    Bluesky New Member

    I am a cancer survivor who faced that scarey disease head on and won. I spent over a year of my life fighting as hard as I could to survive. I refused to leave my love, my husband alone here on earth without his best friend! That was 8 yrs ago!

    Two weeks before this past Christmas - After 34 yrs of marriage, without prior warning - I walked in my house after work and found my husband "asleep". Tried everything in my power, but I knew he was gone. Cannot get that image out of my head. No services or memorial per my husbands wishes. I with my daughter and son-in law went to the funeral home and privately said our goodbyes.
    My son and his family arrived from out of state in time to spend the holidays. It was bittersweet to have both my children and their families here all together. Their love got me through.

    The following month I returned to work. I was back for a week. It was a week before my birthday - I got word my father passed away. Different circumstances since he had many years of failing health. I returned 'home' for his funeral. Hard week. I wasn't sure who I was grieving for. I didn't want to take away from my mother's grieving, but I was still just starting the process for myself since the shock had worn off just a little from my husband.

    Months have passed now and I really thought I was coping well. I don't cry when I step into church all by myself and sit alone in the pew. Or when I hear the roar of a motorcycle on the road, when I remember all our weekend road trips. Or when I yell at the lawn mower, because it won't start and then at him, because that was his job.

    So why all of a sudden does my heart hurt again so much? Why are the tears once again coming without notice. The sleepless nights, the yearning for that one more day, one more conversation, one more hug .... Just one, one more I love you?

    I have been through the waves. Some larger than others. Yes at first I felt like I was drowning. Now, I keep my head above water, but still get pushed under every once in awhile. I know that's going to happen.
    Thought I was coping, but lately I'm not so sure....
    LouiseP57 likes this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Bluesky, thank you for sharing your story.
    Probably one of the more frustrating things about the grieving process is the fact that it doesn't necessarily get better with time. I will quickly say that a significant amount of time (two years and more) can help soften the pain a bit, and give us time to learn how to adjust and live without our loved one (of course not that we ever want to). But in the early days of a loss, those first several months are a constant up and down.
    For most of our life, we're used to the passage of time making things better and better, like if we've been sick, or following a surgery. You could usually chart on a graph, for each day that passes, a steady increase and improvement in how we feel. But grief doesn't work like that, and the chart would look like a mountain range or cityscape of ups and downs and ups and downs...with no clear predictor of what caused the down, or the up!
    And there's no doubt that losing two such significant people in your life in a relatively short period of time is going to complicate things and make it even harder to cope.
    Grief, like life, is constantly changing. Hard as it is to believe, this very acute pain-in-the-heart grief will change. It will soften and fade in time, and then maybe come back again, and then soften and fade...The hope being that through time the waves of the truly painful grief will not last as long, and happen further and further apart.
    This process is different for everyone and of course only you know what you need right now and what's going to get you through. But I'm glad you're here and I hope you find some help and support as I know you are not alone in this experience or what you're feeling. I wish you all the best...
    LouiseP57 likes this.
  3. john

    john Active Member

    Hello blue sky my heart really goes out to you i feel your pain. Blue sky I am so sorry for your loss so very sorry
    I am sorry you have to go through this pain .
    I loss the love of my life on april 11
    We went to a school play and we got home that evening Carolyn started throwing up and blue sky she threw up all weekend. Sunday my son and his wife came over and she told them not to come in the bedroom cause she felt like death.and so
    Sunday night she had got so weak she couldn't walk couldn't talk and she went to sleep in the recliner Monday morning when iWork up she hadn't moved so I went to get her a drink and when I got back she hadn't moved still I tried to revive her and she was already gone
    I didn't get to tell her buy or how much I loved her blue sky
    LouiseP57 likes this.
  4. john

    john Active Member

    Blue sky I'm sorry for you loss and no feel you pain
  5. john

    john Active Member

    I feel your pain Bluesky