Things I learned from the book, It’s OK that you’re not OK, by Megan Devine

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Jeffsjohnson, Jul 27, 2020.

  1. Jeffsjohnson

    Jeffsjohnson Member

    This is a really good book that puts your grief in perspective. You own it, you feel it, and only you can address it. The entire book is worth reading, but these points resonated with me.
    - Grief isn’t a problem to be solved. It’s a mystery that must be honored.
    - When we stop resisting that which hurts, we’re freed to make real changes, ones that help us align with a world where suffering is reduced and love is the primary medicine.
    - There is no timeline for grief, so if someone asks you when you’re going to get over it tell them to fuck off
    - You need people around you, but you deserve space away from them too
    - People who have not experienced grief will never fully understand what you’re going through
    - Competition grief hurts (i.e. “I know exactly how you feel…when my husband left me, I felt so lost.”)
    - Saying “everything happens for a reason” hurts
    - Most people ask how you are coping only want to hear the canned response (Mine is “It’s terrible. I’m working through it. Thanks for your concern.”)
    - The way to get through pain is not to deny it or delay it. You have to experience it.
    - Getting through the grieving process isn’t linear. For me it comes in waves, where there are up and down cycles.
    - How to be a good friend to the griever: (I like this because it helped me consider advice for those who want to help me)
    o Remember that grief belongs to the griever. You can’t share it; you can only be there to help.
    o Stay present and always state the truth.
    o Don’t try to fix the unfixable.
    o Be willing to witness searing, unbearable pain
    o It’s not about you. Don’t try to take on someone’s pain in an effort to “help”
    o Anticipate, don’t ask. If something needs to be done just do it.
    o Do the recurring things. Step in to do normal life stuff
    o Tackle projects together, like casket shopping, mortuary visits, and sorting out rooms and belongings
    o Run interference for the griever. Sometimes a gatekeeper protects the griever.
    o Educate and advocate to others on what to do or say, and how to act
    o Show love
    skies24 and cg123 like this.
  2. Jonathan5757

    Jonathan5757 Well-Known Member

    This is nice and all but the MF is I had no one to help, lean on or help me; I threw myself into my work & my work almost killed me. Literally almost took my life. So now, I sit, in pain. Mentally & physically....