things i find myself being unable to do

I hope this all finds you well.

I wanted to post about some things I've been experiencing since my love, Zachary's', passing - seeing if maybe these sorts of things are "normal" or if anyone else is experiencing similar hardships?

1) I haven't slept in my bed since he left on 12/19/19.
The thought of it makes me physically nauseous and incredibly panicked. I've only just recently opened the door, to try to ease myself into the thought of it.

2) I have been collecting things - his things and anything that reminds me of him. Photos, videos, clothing etc.
I don't want to sit and look through them - I just want to know they're there. I'm in the process of moving (which is proving to be incredibly difficult - I mostly just cry the entire time and give up) - but I've been wanting to hold onto things that don't really hold relevance at all. The other day I hesitated on throwing out an empty body wash container because it was there before he passed. I don't want to get rid of anything (and I mean anything) that was here before he left.

3) Some restaurants and things I absolutely refuse to eat at. One of our traditions was ordering pizza every Sunday and baking cookies. I will not order pizza and I won't eat cookies. Same thing with nachos. It makes me incredibly sad. There are a few other we frequented, that I get sad just driving by.

4) Zach was big into music - and one of the reasons we made a connection in the beginning (besides documentaries). I still haven't been able to listen to my Spotify for fear of hearing a song that reminds me of him. I also stopped watching any sort of documentaries on Netflix.

A friend of mine told me that I need to stop being scared of being upset about the things that remind me of him and to embrace them. Eventually they'll make me smile instead of cry.

I know it's only been three months - but the whole world is taunting me with his loss.
Everywhere I look I see him there or somehow connect him to it.
It's torture.

Everyday I wake up to the realization he's gone and every night I feel like I have to let him go again.

This is the greatest pain I've ever felt and my mind, heart, body and soul want so badly to find a way around it - when the only way is through.

I am grateful every day that I got to feel that love - but I'm so terrified right now.

 

Kristin,

Not wanting to disturb the room you shared to me is normal. When I was overseas, in Nam, I remember a person who had a picture of his wife who was no longer alive.

You had to be very careful how you talked about her for he was emotional when her name was mentioned. In most all the times I visited him, never did I see him talk of her or the picture. You could see he was totally lost without her.

Every one of us who talked with him walked a fine line trying to get him to open up about her. One day I took a chance. I reached for her framed photo and also handed him my picture of Nadine as I talked to him. I felt he was actually ready to pounce on me at first.

Then a strange thing happened he said something about his dearly departed and he then asked me something about Nadine. So we had bridged the gap that day and thereafter had many talks about her and Nadine.

Going into your room won’t be easy. Just opening that door I sense is like cracking an eggshell for you. One day perhaps you will have the courage to open the door, walk in and just sit for a while.

As for collecting mementos, I have done the same. Once you have moved and settled in to your new place then those precious items might help your recovery. Nadine’s painting is on the wall in the hallway. I touch it each day as I pass.

You are doing nothing wrong saving all of those items. Keep them for as long as you like for one day they might bring back a memory or two for you in a time of need.

The food phobia is awful to have. Nadine used to tell me her entire family used to have pizza every Friday night when she was growing up. We carried that tradition forward. I hope you can overcome this dread, as again, avoidance in life is not healthy.

I know you are hurting inside. You just wish to not feel so sad, but when we have loved someone as strongly as you have, you should try to open your heart again. Your first step is doing that step with someone you trust.

Kristin, you have to cry. You need to be ready to release those emotions you keep holding inside of you. I know it is scary, it was for everyone of us here, and those all over the world who have lost loved one.

As I grew up, my mother who lost her first husband to war, on the D-Day invasion, had a child at the time, my step brother Hank who was one years old at the time. I remember her telling me how everyone knew about the mailman and his single letter, and then the officers and priest that would arrive after. So she said she hated mail. She was living with my grandparents at the time and so they would get the mail.

That day was the day she says she will never forget. Hank was playing on the floor, her mom, my grandmother was frozen at the door. Her dad noticed, stepped up to mom and lifted her up, brought her to her mom and they stood together as the door opened.

She was handed the letter, they knew each other, there was sadness in his eyes. Her dad opened it for them. Mom fell to the floor, and I will just say from here on she recovered.

It took mom time to get over her loss, while the war was still on she met my father, they fell in love and married. But, and this is important, she overcame her loss, she made it beyond her heartache and life eventually moved forward for her.

I miss my mom, my dad, as does my brother miss his father. He only knows medals and not the man who brought him into this world.

Kristin, why I told you this event is my family’s history is to let you realize that we will all suffer loss in our lives. Those losses are what define us as a person. Just because days are currently hard to get beyond is no reason to stop so many things.

Please play Zach’s music, and don’t be afraid to be emotional doing it. Cry as much as you need and never stop believing you can’t get beyond this. Remembering what you once had is a necessary part of your recovery from loss. You need to be able to face your fears.

Kristin, you might no longer have Zach by your side, but you have others here who feel the words as you write them. You express yourself so amazingly. Don’t close yourself off from the world anymore. Open your heart, and talk as much as you like.

I can’t count all the time I sat silent in a room listening over and over to music, watching videos and just remembering what I lost in life. Music is what drives my soul, without it I would be lost.

Kristin, admitting you miss him is so necessary. You don’t have to forget him, remember him for everything he meant for you. Remember all those times you shared together.

This cloud of grief you are now under is a scary thing. But, you are not alone anymore. You have those who read your words, and understand your pain for they too have lost their loved one(s).

Take the time to open up. To keep talking. Peace be with you tonight.

-david

This song is for you, one for the ages

 

So sorry that you are in such pain but the things you describe are so normal. All of us have so many things that make us think of our precious one. It is a roller coaster between wanting so much to keep them with us and hurting so much to let go. David is so good with words...I agree that you will find that letting yourself give in to the grief may be the way through. At first I couldn't move anything Mike had placed somewhere in our home...felt he wanted it there and there it had to stay. Then I started moving small things, a tiny bit at a time....each time with a lot of sobbing, sometimes even screaming out. If it was too much I put it back. This painful process seems to be helping because as I continue I now find that sometimes I smile at the memory the item brings. The tears still come but are softer.

 

You are perfectly normal. I lost my Bill November 2 2019. We were married 54 years. It was three months before I could wash his clothes that were in the hamper. I still can’t throw away anything with his handwriting. He read and took notes a lot. I am trying to clear out our former home and just felt in a muddle. I couldn’t make decisions about what to keep and what to give away or discard . Recently I decided that I would just save everything with his handwriting in a special box with his name on it. I still cry when I have to tell someone that he is no longer here. Crying, sharing, praying, it’s all we can do. Thanks you for sharing.

 

I'm sorry for your lost. I lost my wife a year ago and all of what your feeling is normal. Give youself time, 3 months is not enough. I remember how hard it was to go to the grocery store because that was something we did together. Seeing family and friends was difficult.i had no choice but to see it through. I had to deal with all the painful and agonizing nights. Don't push it, you will make it.

 

Thank you for your encouragement. Today I feel so alone. I will get up out of my chair and do something. Maybe go outside and walk a bit.