the whole world goes on

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Anne86, Sep 30, 2019.

  1. Anne86

    Anne86 New Member

    Hello all, I am new to this site.
    On June 27th 2019, My dad passed away very suddenly from a STEMI heart attack. He was my best friend, half of who I am and he was gone in an instant, So healthy but we had no idea what was hiding.
    I have a wonderful family and great friends. An amazing husband and two wonderful daughters. But even with that I feel so lost and so alone. I discribed it to my husband as I am sitting in a room and everything is grey, all the color that was once in my life is gone.
    It has been three months now, and while I dont cry as much as I did (I think simply because Im dried out) I still feel so lost and heavy.
    Its so funny with grief, When you loss someone people from all over come to say sorry, offer help, food. But come three months later, noone asks how you are anymore. Their worlds keep on going. While Im just stuck.

    I'm doing all the right things, Im in counceling. I talk with my stepmom and Brother daily to check on them. I talk about him to the girls when they ask because they too were close with him.
    Im just hoping by being on this site I can feel not so lost. Be able to talk to people who are in this limbo with me.
     
  2. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Anne86 same limbo as you. I can be distracted for a while but keep returning to that space. Kay had at least seven losses in a short period. She was a master in being live. The family military taught her to make friends anywhere. Great soal and a great person. I might do some food line volunteer work at Thanksgiving. This space of sadness, morning, and loss. The heartbreak I will keep. Just not so much. I do understand that others go back to their lives. I am not upset by that but would feel better with those that do understand and we are not a burden. Those others were there for us but they have lives. You are right to be with us that will carry our loss for some time. I got a phone message from an often out of the country very loved friend of Kays. To tell her the news and the details she will ask. Some will ask for copies of pictures. I just say give me six months. It will be weeks of grief to go thru those pictures and do this chore. I did with one woman this site and we compared notes on all the steps and difficulty tending to our person. I felt better in the telling and knowing our experiences were so similar thou different illness. I guess you are right we just go thru it. One year is not that first week, not by a mile. But one year is not done either.
     
  3. I lost my father and a month ago and I know how you feeling. People seem to be moving on with their lives even my brother and step mum some times. It seems am the only one still not able to move. My father was everything to me, my best friend, he single handedly raised me on his on as my mum passed on when I was young. I feel like I am in a nightmare and want to desperately wake up from. Sometimes I feel like he is still here and coming back. I just don't understand how he was here one minute and now his gone. Who is going to be my strength, I feel hopeless. I am trying to stay strong but its hard.
     
    Lizzie S. and paul tinker like this.
  4. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Cecilia it is good to hear some men did a competent job of raising. Sometimes I think of people are like planets some are distant but very few are the closest. I do have every so often friends. It may be months or years but at some point, those relationships will resume and remarkably as in mid-sentence. Just a few of those. But she, my wife, mother, sister, a few friends are the closest. A woman on this site shared a poem by Maya Angelou called, When Grear Trees Fall. She is comparing the end of some 300-year tree and the similar impact of what she terms, A Great soal. She describes the impact, how large the loss is, and the meaning with someplace for that loss to live. Her last stanza reads, " They existed, They existed, We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.". Sorry I am not tech-no enough to reprint here. Sorry also that the distance that we travel to reach these poems more livable space is so far and has so much pain. The last couple of lines is in fact where my mother lives in my awareness. She passed in 08 at 94. My wife is still very fresh is getting there. Just the enduring as you and Anna86 and like most here struggle with daily. Like the woman who sent this poem to me and as Anna hopes for on this site. " We have to help each other on this journey... I'm glad I've helped you a tiny bit", and she has on more than one occasion. Yes, there are those days that sadness is all there is. Then there are better.

    Best to us all.

    Paul M.
     
    Cecilia Mtambalika likes this.
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Should read, When Great Trees Fall.....
     
  6. Anne86

    Anne86 New Member

    Do you have anyone to lean on or talk too?? I am here if you need to talk to someone.
    Its the worst, I was explaning to my husband the other day that it feels like I'm sitting in a room that has gone grey, All of the color is gone. I do believe it will come back though. Just as to when I am not sure.
     
  7. Lizzie S.

    Lizzie S. New Member

    I lost my mom 2 days ago and the pain is unbearable... I don’t know how to live without her. I can’t believe she’s gone. My heart and soul went with her. Absolutely completely devastated.
     
  8. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    lizzie S. I am sure she was a great mom. Sorry for your pain and loss.
     
  9. Thank you Paul for your words
     
  10. I feel like people don't understand and everyone has moved on. It feels like am all alone and sometimes i get panic attacks. I understand how you feel, life is just not the same without him and there is just this big hole in my heart where my happiness used to be.
     
  11. riverinohio

    riverinohio Active Member

    Your loss is new and you will have panic attacks. It is normal. I still sometimes cry so hard that I can't breathe. I just have to try to stop doing that because it affects my health. It is such a hard thing to go through but just know you are not alone. Unfortunately death affects us all in time. You may have friends not affected and unfortunately you have had a lot of loss in your life. You keep pushing through and just put one foot in front of the other just like I am doing. Just keep telling yourself that your dad would want the best for you. That is what gets me through but I must admit that I cry everyday. There isn't an easy fix for this. Time hopefully will lessen it a little but I don't know. Hang in there.
     
  12. Schwambnicki

    Schwambnicki New Member

    I said this so many times, I feel like the world keeps moving but I am not ready to. All the bills, work and my sons school, the world just kept moving so fast and I was standing still. I did for two Months take off, I’m paying for it now financially I got so far behind :( I understand you and agree with you and am so happy you wrote .
     
  13. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    The world does keep moving and we are suspended in grief and challenged to react. Pulling together some form of normalcy. After 15 months it is better but nowhere near. The fact that better actually has happened is encouraging. Thanks all for your comments.
     
  14. Ebaran00

    Ebaran00 Member

    Hello Paul ; the world goes on thing is so relatable; after loss of my Mom ; feels like you are in some weird alternate reality
     
    sereniteameow likes this.
  15. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hi Ebaran00

    Yes, a weird alternative reality on steroids. How are you doing?
     
  16. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hi Ebaran00

    Yes, a weird alternative reality on steroids. How are you doing?
     
  17. Ebaran00

    Ebaran00 Member

    Hi Paul
    It’s going ; not what I’d like but hey apparently can’t plan a dam thing in life
     
  18. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    That is it for sure. I will take the tiniest step forward as good enough. No matter what that might be. Some days are just stare and not do anything but rest. I do like your attitude and realistic appraisal of what we all are dealing with.
     
  19. sereniteameow

    sereniteameow New Member

    Thank you for sharing here. It has been 2 months since my mother suddenly died and already everyone seems to be “back to normal,” aside from our immediate family. But even some of them look like they’re moving on somehow. Sometimes I wish I could heal faster but I know it can’t be rushed. How quickly the world forgets! Thank you again.
     
  20. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Serente,
    I think with the current circumstances no one will be at "normal". Your observation that many around you are swept into their lives and concerns. You are right we can't really be rushed and that is OK. Not pleasant to have to go through but OK. I did find your site picture to be amusing and current with how society has changed. I do no think there is a light switch all is better moment. More incremental and perhaps an unexpected surprise. I am caretaking a 5 pound Tea Cup Yorkie for a friend. The dog has her agenda and fills my life in an unexpected way.

    Having been here for a long time I am stunned over what others are coping with.

    Glad you are here and hopefully feel less alone.


    Best to you and allof us.

    Paul M.