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the space between where our ends meet

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by TheLacedSmile, Feb 19, 2020.

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  1. TheLacedSmile

    TheLacedSmile Member

    Today is officially two months since the love of my life, Zachary - left this physical world suddenly.

    Sixty-two days and my heart still can't accept that he's gone.

    I keep replaying that night over and over in my head as if I can change the outcome.

    I can sit here and I can tell you straight faced I know he's not coming back - but there's this feeling inside me that I can't seem to shake; if I just do x, y and z. I can change it. I can bring him back. I can fix this.

    I guess that's why people offer up their souls...I get it now. I would if I could.

    Zach left this world on 12/19/19 at 6:00pm.

    I got the phone call at 7:19pm that Thursday.
    We had spent all day together at work - I had left at close to 4:00pm that day.

    One of our best friends, and another coworker of ours Tim, is the one that called me.
    I knew something was wrong the second I saw his name. He never called me - and never that late.

    I answered and all I could hear was him sobbing.
    I kept asking him what was going on - I feared it was his fiance or their unborn child.
    But he finally yelled out "Zach got in an accident".
    I said "What? Is he okay?"
    He started crying again before he said "He didn't make it".

    I started yelling at him "are you sure? where are you? where is he?"
    He told me him and his fiance were on the way to the hospital.
    I told him I'd meet them there and I threw my phone on the ground.

    It was about three minutes later and my phone rang again.
    It was another one of our close friends, and yes, another coworker.

    I answered the phone and all he had to say was my name, "Kristin".
    And that's when I knew. It was true.
    He didn't make it.

    It was a couple days later when the autopsy finally came back.
    He died from an aortic dissection - caused from an undiagnosed condition called Marfans syndrome.

    He was on his way to the hospital for chest pains when he passed - causing his vehicle to cross traffic and strike a tree.

    The doctors explained to me that this happens very quickly and he was gone before he crashed. They also told me that this is almost always fatal and unfortunately, the path of Marfans doesn't hold much light for anyone. Most don't live normal lifespans.

    Eleven minutes.

    It was only eleven minutes from when he called his mother that he was on the way to the hospital to when she found out he was gone.

    I am devastated and I am reaching out.

    I don't know how to do this and I'm trying to honor this pain but there are moments where I wish I could blink myself out of existence. I keep thinking about how I want to just speed up time so I can get through this. Some days I wish that my day comes soon so I can see him again.

    I've been told these are all normal "reactions". But that statement doesn't help. It doesn't make it any less real, any less painful.

    Shortly after he passed I was so beside myself I reached out to some friends who run in more spiritual crowds. I needed comfort only they could give me. I needed to know why my path has been difficult (especially the past three years). I needed to know why everything I choose to love gets taken away from me. I felt like I was being punished by the universe.

    They shed some much needed light and ever since I've been seeing these connections I don't think I would have been able to see before.

    I'm not a religious person. But this experience has opened my eyes. Not in a heaven and hell kind of way. In a spiritual way - an earthly, energy way. I no longer see all these strange occurrences as coincidence. There is intention behind them. Everything that has happened and is happening - is unfolding exactly as it was meant to. We have lived multiple lifetimes together. And we will meet again in the next.

    He didn't leave me. And he never will.
    Bonds like that can't break.

    He's still very much here - and he is trying his damnedest to show me. And out of all the losses I've experienced - I can actually feel him here.

    One of the women I spoke with told me that the reason why Zach never made any big commitments (which is incredibly true if you knew him) - is because he knew he wasn't going to be here for very long. Maybe not consciously, or out loud - but his soul knew.

    Thinking back on the week before his passing - he did so many out of character things. Making sure he saw everyone, told everyone he loved them. It was almost as if he wanted us to have one last memory - and he didn't even know it.

    She also said that his soul wasn't here to learn any lessons - he was here solely for us.
    Which I also believe to be true.

    He was only twenty-six years old and over 500 people showed up for his visitation/funeral.
    There wasn't a life he didn't touch. I am so proud of him for that.

    Regardless of everything I listed above...

    I'm still here. And he's still gone.
    And it still hurts.
    Hands down the most horrific pain I've ever felt.
    And I still cry everyday and I still scream at the universe and sometimes, a lot of the time - him.

    I found my soulmate.
    I got it all just for a moment.

    I guess that's all we can ask for though..
    What I'd give for just one more minute.
    I miss him....sigh.
     
    ARB, ainie and glego like this.
  2. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss, I can feel your pain in reading your post. I can't imagine going through this grief at your age and at the beginning of a love affair.

    I lost my wife of 40 years in December and one of the things I'm thankful for are 40 years of memories, it hurts like hell thinking of those memories but I'm lucky to have them, those memories have been stolen from you so suddenly, life can be so unfair.

    Try and surround yourself with people who will share in your grief, find some reading that will help make some sense of this profound sadness your experiencing. Time is what will help us all in coming to grips with the loss, I don't know how much time but try and believe it will get less painful.

    Dan
     
    glego likes this.
  3. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Thank you for writing, all I can so is so sorry for you loss. We each have our own pain to carry, and it's different in many ways, but also alike. I to just the other day spoke to someone about not wanting to accept my husband's passing, and wanting to fix it, because I was the one that fixed things. This I can't fix, we all would like to fix it. I also keep saying, why am I still here?

    Like you, I feel those bonds will never be broken, I'm flooded with memories that make me smile and cry. Be glad that you're surrounded by people that affirm you emotions, and support you, by saying it's normal, the pain, the tears, and the longing. I know it doesn't help those feelings, you need to have them to heal, we all do, when we someday heal we'll be left with a scar, to me that signifies that my love is still with me. Embrace the support, because there are those out there that will say you need to get over it.

    I believe in those coincidences too, most of the times when my husband was in the hospital I sat in his room alone. That night, his cousin was in the same hospital, with his wife spending the night. This wasn't my husband's regular hospital, he was transferred there for more care, his cousin also lived quite a distance away. We were all put there, I'm sure my husband didn't want me to be alone, and he made sure I wasn't. (I'm not religious either) Believe in your instinct, trust yourself to do what you need in this time.
     
    Bogman likes this.
  4. TheLacedSmile

    TheLacedSmile Member

    Thank you...although unfortunate, it's comforting to know there are others who are experiencing this profound pain. Makes me feel less alone.

    I know it's all a part of life...I know we don't stay here forever.

    The price of love, I suppose.
    It's worth it. Every second of this pain.
    Sometimes it's just hard to admit it when you feel like you can't see anything past the moment you're in.

    Terrifyingly beautiful.

    My heart is with you also.

    -Kristin
     
    Bogman likes this.
  5. TheLacedSmile

    TheLacedSmile Member

    Thank you for your kind words - they mean more than you know.
    I hope I can bring some sort of comfort to you as well - even if it's just knowing there's someone else out there, feeling the same way you do.

    I see him everywhere and I feel him so strongly.
    In time, all of these signs and all of these vivid memories that keep replaying in my mind will make me smile.
    One day - they won't hurt so much.

    When I need to know he's here - I ask him to show me.
    Almost always - I get a response.

    These too make me smile and cry.

    I was told to 'always thank those who walk with us'. So I also thank him everyday.

    I don't feel strong enough. But I know he wouldn't have left if I wasn't.

    I talk to him out loud and also in my mind quite often.
    I've sent him a text message everyday since he left.
    I hadn't told anyone because I thought they would think I was crazy.
    Little did I know - the majority of our close friends group were all doing the same.

    It's part of the reason I wanted to share my story - my sorrow.
    To connect.
    To help my soul heal - and hopefully others.

    Always here,
    -Kristin
     
    Bogman likes this.
  6. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Kristin, your words are comforting to me and I'm sure many on here. I haven't sent him any texts, but I do talk to him, I talk to him especially when I walk past
    pictures of us together. I know friends and family have called his cell phone to hear his voice, I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe I will be when I've come
    around to accepting that he is really gone. I know logically that he is, but that's my head and not my heart.

    In time we will get there, we will heal.
     
    Bogman likes this.
  7. TheLacedSmile

    TheLacedSmile Member

    My boss sent me his voicemail from his answering machine at work. I listened to it today and I started to cry.
    I have a ton of videos of him - but I'm not ready to watch those yet either...

    Today was a pretty rough day.
    It was actually Sunny (it's been very cold and gloomy the past two months) - which you'd like would make me smile - but all I could think about was the fact that summer is coming - and he won't be here.
     
    glego likes this.
  8. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I know where you're coming from, my son sent me a youtube link last weekend that had my wife in the video, made me cry like a baby but it was nice to hear her voice ?? This grief thing sure is quite a ride !!
     
    glego likes this.
  9. TheLacedSmile

    TheLacedSmile Member

    I find myself being scared of the memories - because they're painful. We all try to avoid.
    I was instructed to stop doing that. To embrace them.

    I'm trying but woo wee.
    It's hard.

    I'm doing this thing right now where I'm "collecting" all these things that remind him of me - personal belongings, emails/texts, videos etc
    I'm not wanting to look at them - but I just want to know they're there.

    I have this intense fear of forgetting him.

    I think that's why I am having such a hard time moving out of my current house. I see him everywhere.
    I feel like if I leave - I'm leaving him here.

    My brain is telling me "you know that's not true" but my brain keeps losing out to my heart.

    It's that part we all are dealing with that makes us think we can change it - if we just hold on long enough.
     
  10. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean being scared of the memories, I too have the same fear but what I'm finding out is what I couldn't do a month ago I'm now able to now. As for the fear of forgetting, I was so relieved to hear Cathi's voice on the Youtube video, I had forgotten it in a short time but now I know whenever I need to hear her I can. L0ving her certainly has it's price but worth every moment, I wouldn't change a thing....
     
  11. TheLacedSmile

    TheLacedSmile Member

    I heard his voice for the first time yesterday at work.
    Our boss sent me his voicemail.

    I cried so hard I couldn't breathe - but you're right. It's almost like I had forgotten too - in just a few months.
    I'm not ready for the videos yet. But someday I'll watch them.

    There are still a few strange things I can't do - but the big one is I haven't slept in my best since he left.
    Not once. At still - at this moment, it's a non-negotiable for me.
    The thought of sleeping in that bed edges me towards a panic attack.

    I'm trying baby step it - like leaving the door open.
    But I find myself just staring in from the living room.

    I do the same thing with the back door.
    It's the door he always came in.

    I guess I'm just hoping that one of these times - he walks through it.
    I keep waking up around the same time at night - and my first instinct is to look at that door.
    Maybe he's visiting me in my dreams.

    But I wholeheartedly agree...

    I wouldn't change a thing either. Not one.
     
    Bogman likes this.
  12. ARB

    ARB New Member

    First, I am so sorry for your loss.
    My brother-in-law Jimi died 5 months ago of an aortic dissection. I know that it's extremely hard, and traumatic, to lose a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly. We didn't know that Jimi had a heart condition, and neither did he. Jimi was playing drums with some people we didn't trust. He called to let us know he was going to the hospital but we didn't make it there in time to see him alive. When we got there, the operating doctor told us that Jimi's aorta was paper thin. Not having closure is difficult. I just joined and your profile is the first one I clicked on. I have also been exploring spiritual answers. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.