The pain is unbearable

I took my husband to ER 12/10/2019, he asked me to because he was having trouble breathing. I was worried, but felt he would be coming home with me soon. From the ER he was put in ICU, had a CPAP, but was put on ventilator several hours later. It was shocking and unsettling to see him like that. On 12/15 I was told by his pulmonologist that he would recover. I was also told by a few of his nurses that he would recover. He remained on ventilator for 9 days. I was so happy to see it come off! He was very confused the first 2 days, but my son and I were able to communicate with him a little, and about half of it made sense. By the third day of being off ventilator he developed ICU delirium. It was awful; my wonderful husband wasn't himself. The next couple days were good, but Christmas evening he had a cardiac arrest. He received CPR, and was shocked once, and was stable. Luckily they did not have to put vent back in. He was off vent for one week, and things were looking up. He passed swallow test, and was able to finally eat. He was scheduled to be moved to CCU, which was an improvement, but aspirated from the food and water he had recently consumed. He was taken back to ICU, and put back on ventilator. Two days later he developed a blood clot on his left lung, and the next day I spoke to cardiologist about the fact he would not have a meaningful recovery, and was faced with decision of taking him off life support. We took him off vent on afternoon of 01/04/20, and he passed away 10 hours later at 1:10 am 01/05/20. My son and I were with him the entire time. I watched my husband die. I held his hand, kissed his forehead, talked to him throughout. He was never conscious for any of it, but I hope he had comfort in knowing we were there and love him very much. I never thought I would be planning his funeral, or going through any of this. His service was last night. I am still in shock, and miss him so very very much. He was my best friend and the love of my life, and now he is gone. I am devastated, and keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare. He was only 54.

 

Kathahn,

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your spouse. Words alone really can’t express the sorrow you are now facing, not just you, but your son as well.

Being faced with the final decision of his life had to be the most trying thing a person will ever endure. It must have been an awful time with so many ups and downs, and your hopes being up one moment only to be removed later. I know making that decision to a part of you is the most difficult thing you were faced with. It too required tremendous courage and heart on your part.

Also knowing that this happened at what was normally the one of the happiest times of year is also real depressing. I really feel for you having to face this loss.

Your grief you will now face can be overwhelming. Both you and your son and any other family members will have many days where sorrow can sometimes get the best of even the strongest among us all. This grief you now have will be a long road to healing. Please don’t ever be afraid to show your emotions, as keeping them bottled up is not healthy.

As my own wife of 42 years was slowing passing on, both my sons and me were with her each day in hospice. When the Nadine took her final breath, words are hard to come by, tears and a tightness in your chest is present.

On her last night one of the hospice nurses read a poem to all of us in her room. She then lit a candle and said she was ready to pass on. What can you say, how do you respond other than to be shattered with the realization your lover, your best friend, your son’s mother and so many other things was at her final moment. Silence was deafening, tears were plenty, and even when your spouse passed it is enormously hard to accept.

Sure suffering for our spouse might now be over, but the true test of a person’s spirit is what happens next. Take it slowly, give in to your emotions, talk as you need to, and those tears will come freely now. For my sons and me, we are coming up on five years since she passed on. Still some days are amazingly hard to get through.

Both me and my sons have searched for ways to deal (Cope) with this loss. My sons lose themselves in games online and friends and work, me, I listen to music and watch videos, happy videos to help me find my smile again.

Please just don’t give up, Don’t ever think you are facing this loss alone. Share your love for him with others, whomever you feel comfortable with. This unknown road you are now on is difficult, and time may pass so slowly on some days, especially at night when you are alone.

I hope you don’t mind but here is a song for us both I hope it helps some. For now, take care of yourself, your son going forward. God Bless


david

 

Thank you for the beautiful song, and know I am sorry for the loss of your Nadine.
I am praying that someday I will be able to accept this loss, but for now its seems unreal. Tomorrow will be one week, and it's unreal how each of the days since his death have been different, emotionally speaking. Sleep is welcome when I am able because I don't have to think about it. The moment I wake up the grief loop begins again. I am grateful that my son and I don't have to go back to that hospital, but the reason why is so very sad. I was so hopeful for his full, or even partial recovery. We knew it would be an arduous battle to get him back to some kind of normal again, but I was planning in my head for his return home. That was never to be.
I just want all of this sadness to go away.

 

Kathahn,

I know days forward will be troubling with grief at times. Even though some days will be very emotional, please just realize it is active grief taking hold of you.

It is normal to be sad, cry, sleep more, and do so many things that are out of the ordinary lifestyle you had in the past. What you are experiencing is sorrow for your spouse no longer with you. Just know as you grieve all that matters most is your well-being.

I remember as we had to leave our house in Florida and ride back to Maine to be with Nadine in hospice. Her former boss had paid for her flight to Maine while we readied our home for selling.

It was very hard to pack, throw away and keep what we wanted. So many memories gone past, but we knew the longer we delayed the less time we would spend with Nadine before she passed. So, we called and donated as many things as we could and waited for the movers to clear our house of the remaining items.

Once the movers left, we also left in two cars, with walkie talkies in each car for the ride from Florida to Maine. Now that I look back, it was a quick exit, no looking back and once we reached our first stop on the first day of travel we thought about our ten years in Florida and all we left behind. But even the reality of getting to Nadine was what caused a sleepless first night.

By nightfall on the 2nd day, we reached Maine. It was wintertime, so once we hit the snowline in whatever state it was, we could no longer travel as fast. So we finally made it to our temporary residence in Auburn, Maine and checked into our room for the night.

Stress is amazing, grief is sometimes uncontrollable, and during our 3 months of visiting Nadine in hospice I got sick twice and had to be taken to the emergency room twice. Nerves sure can be an awful thing to deal with at times.

Once we once again adapted to Maine weather our health and well-being started to improve. While we were seeing Nadine, we also had to find a more permanent residence. So we would search the internet, set up appointments for house viewing and then head to hospice and Nadine.

I am sure during that transitioning period all three of us, my two sons and me, never really thought much about our health, just Nadine’s. You see we had been on this journey of Nadine’s declining health going on ten years now.

We had our hopes dashed many times until finally the finality of Nadine’s cancer was no longer promising. I am not sure at what point we all accepted we were going to lose her, but I just know that many things that happened in the last 6 months of her life are sort of a blur.

I guess what I am saying is, things happen in life that we have no control over. What seems trivial to others might just be significant to you. All you can do is take each day slowly, and expect your feelings to be all over the place.

I hope for better days, for you, your son’s and that you will not neglect your health. I also hope that sleep will be more fulfilling. Take care of yourself. God Bless


david

 

Wow Kathahn! Reading your story made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. My sweet wife died suddenly on Nov 2,2019 from a brain aneurysm. At 9am on a beautiful Saturday morning we were having coffee and snacks. Everything good and normal. She started to complain about a headache, it got worse, I called for an ambulance, and by 10:30am she was in the hospital and being prepared for medavac to another hospital with a better trauma unit. She was going unconscious when she left our house and I never saw her conscious again. By 1 or 2 pm that day the neurosurgeon told us that the damage to her brain was done almost instantly because the rupture happened in the back where the stem attaches to her brain. No operation could have saved her. 3 pm the next day I pulled the life support and let her go. It was the worst day of my life. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I always feel a little better after I talk about the love of my life. We were together 25 years.

 

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. How devastating to lose someone unexpectedly like that. My husband was in the hospital for nearly 4 weeks, and things looked very hopeful at times. He did start getting worse, and I was told on the Monday before his death that he had no chance for a meaningful recovery. My son and I decided to take him off life support the following Saturday afternoon, he passed away 10 hours later. This still seems so unreal to me, he was only 54. I went back to work several weeks ago, and that has helped. When I am home, and especially at night, all I do is think of him and cry. We were together 30 years, married 22.

I feel so stuck at times, don't know what to do. Now I am having to deal with all of the paperwork involved in closing his estate, which I absolutely hate. I have to really push myself to get anything done, haven't been very productive at all. Sometimes I don't care if any of it gets done.

Just one more hug, one more conversation is what I want. I know what you mean about the being unconscious, and how frustrating that can be. He was unconscious most of his hospital stay, and it was difficult to watch. I am sorry to hear you had to go through that, and lose her so suddenly. It is the most heartbreaking experience in the world.

 

Five years and it's still amazingly hard? That comment is both terrifying and sad. I don't have years of strength in me to grieve like this.

 

I don't think any of us would be able to grieve like this for that period of time, I do believe we all have to be ready to live with this change for the rest of our lives but it won't feel like this does now. Dan

 

KatB, After reading your response I knew I had to respond. You said, “Five years and it's still amazingly hard? That comment is both terrifying and sad. I don't have years of strength in me to grieve like this. “

Please don’t feel bad for me, for life and the experiences I had are what made me as a person. Sure I have regrets like any normal person would have, for that is just me being human. I will put them in perspective for you and everyone else. I am at peace with myself. I have faced the death of many people in my life, from many-many types, I won’t dwell on them.

The one saving grace is, those that passed on, did not stop me from living. I did not give up on life. Sure I had days of grief, tears flowed, and some days were very hard to get through.

Why might you ask? Remembering someone is important to me. I will admit I have dwelled a bit too long for one reason or another, but, and I stressed this for each of you, I made it through that duration of troubled time. Please don’t ever feel like you can’t overcome grief if you remember someone. The beauty of life is recalling those who affected us. There is nothing wrong in crying, even for a man, those tears help you move forward.

I won’t kid any of you. Time and grief do not flow parallel to each other, they act independently of one another. So even though I talk of my wife often, she is the one who I spent over half of my life with, almost half a century. So she is ingrained in me.

As a feeling person you can’t help but be emotional on holidays, others’ happy events, and so many things that we might experience over a day. It is those times when I get caught up in my thoughts of what I once had, and so the day might drag, tears might well up and flow, and words may be tremendously hard to say.

• I have no problem getting up each day to face it, no matter the situation. I rise at 3 am each day to feed two cats. I am up and about for the next 16-20 hours with no naps, no bouts of feeling sorry for myself .
• 
  
• I don’t feel depressed. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke (I quit all of that way over a decade ago).
  
  
• I keep in touch with friends, my family, not just by phone, but by visits when possible.
  
  
• Even though I am retired and now age 71, I keep myself occupied each and every day.
  
  
• I also keep myself informed about what is happening in the news, locally and around the world.

So in closing, there is no terror anymore in my life, I am so past that now. There is only tomorrow, and the feelings that will arise as I live that day to the fullest.

Please take care of yourself, seek help when you need it, and never give up on yourself or others.

david

 

Thanks for that post David, it gives hope to us all !!

 

Bogman and everyone,

The one thing I will take away from living with grief - don’t hold it inside you, it will eat you alive. Release it through talks, through your emotions, through guidance and your interactions with others.

Each one of us will feel unbearable pain, like there will be no end, but isn’t that what life is all about. One of the reasons my journey has been so long is being unable to talk about it to others. I had to wake each day, feel totally broken inside and not be able to open up.

People had already heard it already so they didn’t want to hear it anymore. But what they don’t realize is, all you as a person are doing is asking for help in a roundabout way. My lesson in my journey with grief was finding those who also were struggling with loss.

I won’t deny some losses are harder to overcome than others, but the one common thread is that absence you are now struggling with. In the service, we always were aware of how each other's mindset were. Why, because we depended on them and they on us. So when we noticed another in need, we would help them find someone who could help them. Grief is no different in life, it just has different stages of pain.

This forum, and others like it all over the world are a necessary part of our lives. It is as if we have been lost for so long, seeking answers for ourselves in the hopes of a better tomorrow for each one of us. You just have to keep seeking help, and for God sake don’t stop if you are still feeling down. If you as a person are unable to help someone, ask others or help them find someone who can help them.

I have read so much about pain, seen so much pain in others that it is a normal reaction for each of us to feel others pain as they speak of how they feel. BUT, and this is important, by interacting and opening up our hearts to others we let others see our pain, and then allow those reading to also reach out and open up.

Each of us are in a safe place in this forum. You may not see all the answers each of you seek, but the one unseen thing we have to accept is, have faith in ourselves. We may make mistakes on our way to healing our mind and spirit, but just keep talking, keep asking and understand you are no longer alone. You are among others who are on that road of grief with you.

Take care for now. Tomorrow is another day into the unknown. Lastly, the bravest thing you can do as a person is walk forward. Peace be with each of you.


david

 

David, thank you for your posts, you're a shining light to those of us early on in the process.