The love of my life left me Wednesday of this week .

The only man I ever truly gave my heart to died Wednessday. I have known him for ten years . It was love at first site when I met him in 2016 he attempted to commit suicide not once but twice threw drinking . I was there for him even though we talked long distance . Two weeks ago he told me he broke up with his Ex fiancee and that he loved me . Said Michelle it's always been you . You showed me the meaning of love I'm so sorry I hurt you. On June 9th I sent him the following text message .....

Dave,
My heart will always love you my brain will not allow me to forget how you pushed me away all those years ago . I loved you unconditionly you were still in love with Angela . I left California for Arizona with a broken heart. I have someone in my life now who treats me the way I deserve to be treated .

I blame myself for him taking his life . I said what I did because I did not want to get hurt again . Truth is Mark wants to marry me is planning on asking me . And the only man I truly want to marry is Dave . I feel as if if I accept Marks Marrage proposal in August when he comes out for his birthday I'm disrespecting and hurting Dave all over again . I'm going to THEREPY Thursday to deal with all of this . In the meantime I'm a-walking Zombie.

 

While it's human nature to blame ourselves for the actions of others or wonder "what if", you have to do what is right for you. Also, the only person whose behavior you can control is your own. Nonetheless, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like a zombie and I hope you are able to get help from the therapy.

 

I feel as if it's my fault to. The only person I've truly been in love with passed away on June 8th. The week leading upto his death I found out he was using again after being completely sober for over a year. It scared the shit out of me so I fought for the truth. We always fought but this time he would not fight back. He would keep saying he loves and needs me, begging me not to leave him, and just all around trying to save us but in that mind set I knew he couldn't just quit. I have been through the same thing and it does not just end.

He kept lying to me and I was getting so mad and being so mean out of fear. I regret everything I said and I hate myself for it. The night before he died we had gotten into a bad fight because he came to walk with my daughter and I and I saw her was high. I told him to leave. He biological father had put us through hell and Nick(my boyfriend), was actually the one who raised her. I could see it hurt him and he said some awful things. I waited until he calmed down to speak to him.

When I finally did text him back he, he didn't answer right away so I called him. He sounded horrible and he told me he was really upset. I knew he was high and I should have went there. I didn't want to enable him, I didn't want the lies, and I couldn't put myself in that situation because it would be dangerous to me. He kept lying so I told him to call when he was ready. I texted him soon after because I love him so much and I wanted him to know I love him and just wanted the truth. He told me a half truth and then said he hated his life. That was the last time I talked to him.

That night I called and texted him over 60 times. I was crying on my porch not knowing what to do but I didn't want to go to his house and freak everyone out for no reason. Everyone said by the time I would have gotten there it would have been too late. He tended to not reply and then pick up the conversation hours later. This time was different.

When he didn't respond in the morning I went to his house. It was weird because his family was there when they shouldn't have been but they all thought he went to work. When I went to open the door it was locked and his mom and I started pounding. I broke open the door and he was dead. After 12 hours of being dead he looked horrible. I will never get that picture put of my head.

I think he killed himself. I know he did and it is all my fault. I was so mean and all he wanted was to be together. The worst part is that I think he thought I would kill myself too. He was 23 years old. I am dying inside.

I wish you didn't have to feel this pain. I wish no one did. People saying it is not my fault only makes me feel more alone. I can't talk to anyone because they give generic advice and try to convince me of something I know in my heart to be true. I'm not sure if you feel the same. I wish i could have saved him. This is killing me inside everyday. I feel a constant weight on my chest. I hurt so much. I want him back. I want to do so many things different. I want to save him.