The love of my life is gone

My wife was diagnosed with covid-19 on my birthday,
2 days later she was admitted to the hospital, she fought hard on high flow oxygen trying to keep from having to go on a ventilator but unfortunately she had to be intubated
She was on it for 19 days and was making tremendous progress. Her doctors had plans to bring her out of sedation on the 23rd or 24th day,
I visited her every day, i put on her favorite shows and held her hand as i watched them
I put on music she would like,
On August 26th myself and our 18 year old son went to visit, we were asked to wait 10 minutes while they finished up some routine care on her.
As we sat waiting we heard
Rapid response code blue to her room.
I knew code blue was a cardiac arrest, my son and i ran up to her unit, the nurses let us in and explained that her heart just stopped and they were performing cpr but she wasn't responding.
We were allowed to move close enough to see them and i watched them work desperately to bring her back to us for 40 minutes,
I listened to them calling out times, the nurse would come out to explain what was happening
I am a retired police officer. I have performed cpr many times, i knew at this point what was going to happen.
At 1708 the doctor, a very young and pleasant man came out with tears in his eyes to inform us she was gone. When he hugged my son he cried hysterically, he had admitted my wife a month earlier, they spoke often and she told him all about our son and his accomplishments at his young age.
I can't get the images of them working on her out of my head,
Part of me wishes i didn't see it
But i am also hopeful she knew we were there with her up until the very last moment.
I sat and held her hand crying for hours after,
We had so many plans,
We had literally just finished paying off the bar/restaurant we bought 14 years ago,
She worked so hard to pay it off 6 years earlier than planned,
We said when its paid off we will do so many things.
I miss her so much
This seems like such a bad dream i cant wake up from.
I love you Danielle ❤

 

That is heartbreaking to read! I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Danielle. That must have been so painful to watch. My mother passed in April after an urgent operation (very sudden, perforated colon), and after she was in CCU, she coded and they worked on her for over 30 minutes and then told us they couldn't bring her back. It's horrible to see. We sat and held her hand for a long time. I wish you weren't going through this. Praying for you, that you find some measure of comfort in this forum. I have found some comfort in the chatroom also. People meet around 8:30 AM and 8:30 PM EST, otherwise it is hit or miss. It helps me a bit to share. Big hugs, friend.

 

I am brand new here. My husband Jim died of Covid last Sunday. I took him to the hospital for Regeneron thinking he'd just get it and go home. He ended up being admitted and a few days later flown to a larger hospital because he had a stroke and heart attack. He was recovering and I visited him for 2 weekends before he died. We were both in quarantine for a few weeks, then when he was moved from covid section to regular room, I was able to make the 3 hour one way drive to see him. Because of the stroke & heart attack, doctors put him on those damn blood thinners and he began to bleed internally. He spent much of the last day of his life in agonizing pain and I felt so awful that I couldn't help. Finally some scans were done & the bleeding was found. He was moved back to ICU but the bleeding never stopped. Someone from the hospital called me telling me they were doing CPR on him and did I want them to continue? Jim had a DNR in place and we talked before about what we wanted. It was a natural discussion because I have outlived all 4 of my siblings and both of my parents and I just turned 54. Death has been a part of my life since I was 13. Jim had just turned 61 nine days before he died. I told them to stop CPR because of the DNR and I knew that I couldn't ask him to come back here to a life that would have been full of pain. He had arthritis in several areas of his body and the last 2 years of his life were full of chronic pain. Again, we talked and he always said that he was ready to go home to Jesus whenever it was time. I know he suffered terribly and I helped and did what I could. I just knew that I couldn't ask them to continue working and possibly reviving him just to have him suffer endlessly just because I wanted him here. So I had to let him go. Hardest thing I've ever done.
We were married for 29 years just last month and have 2 adult sons. We owned a business together for 20 years and were together a lot. In addition to the raw emotions and overwhelming sadness, I struggle with the things I did wrong. I didn't always appreciate him like I should have. I didn't always express my love properly. Sometimes when I would find a mess or something I would think things like "when I'm alone, I won't have all of this to clean up", etc. Jim was 7 years older than me and we both knew that he'd likely go first but I always wanted to. I thought it would be ideal to die together and never really let myself think of this option as being real. I wonder if maybe I deserve this somehow because of the times that I took him for granted? I am a Christian and Jim was too. Knowing that he is finally free in ways that aren't possible here on earth is helpful, but my faith is shaky right now. I am just so devastated. Now, I am seeking out people whose spouses have died because I don't feel like I can be a part of a group with married couples anymore. I wonder about things like who is going to help the next time I have the flu? Who is going to drive me from appointments when I've had a medical procedure? I have friends and an amazing church family and I'm learning how to rely on them and accept their help. I was raised to never impose or inconvenience anybody and now it looks like that's what I'll have to do. It leaves me feeling helpless. I loved Jim with everything that I have and still do and always will. I will never date anyone or remarry again. I will not take my wedding ring off. He is and always will be my one and only. The thought of spending the rest of my life without him just drains me. If I had my own way, I'd just lie on my bed in the fetal position and wait to die. But I can't do that.
Now I guess I have to find a new purpose. Because of all the death I've had to deal with in my life, I raised our sons to be independent and understand that we weren't always going to be around. We text and call one another, but not every day or even every week. I will continue to be there for them and will reach out more often and maybe that's my purpose right now. I don't really care whether I live or die anymore. I won't kill myself, but I really don't care much about what happens to me now. I've had cancer once. Jim was by my side through it all. If I were to have it again, I don't think I'd fight. Jim made me fight the first time. He wouldn't let me just go and do nothing. He made me eat, get up and shower, etc. Now he's not here to do that, so what's the point? I'm barely eating, showering every other day and just kind of existing.
Sorry I'm rambling, but my thoughts are just so jumbled right now. It has been helpful to see how many others are saying the things that I feel too. I think being here will help.