It's been 6 months since I lost my husband of 25 years. I'm 49. He died suddenly. My daughter's birthday was yesterday. She's 17. She wore his tie around her neck, over a white t-shirt. We survived the day. Today, I'm recuperating from the drama of this 6th month, May. Filled with dates of significance. Birthdays, virus style graduation, a move, mother's day... May kicked my ass. I'm recuperating today, Friday. I did my run, yoga and the laundry. My heart is so heavy. Anguish. Anxiety. Apathy. Fleeting moments. Anxiety is awful. It's like a huge weight on my chest. I can't breathe. A few hours of it gives me a back ache. Grieving is mental, emotional, and physical. It gets all into you. It's exhausting. It's a full body experience. I think we need to do this thing knowing all of it, knowing that we need to baby and nurture ourselves back to health, slowly and with great self-love and compassion, knowing that we've been broken. If you've been in a long term marriage and your spouse is gone suddenly, you've experienced your own death, too, don't deny it. The difference is --you're still walking. Now you're born again and you're that baby crying it out every couple of hours, wondering what the hell is the world and what do I do here? There are no answers for a long while, everything hurts, it's feeding time all over again, you need lots of naps and care. The hard part is of course, we don't have someone who can rock us to sleep, soothe our heavy hearts. We have to dig in deep and find our strength and use each other for comfort and find that comfort wherever you can get it. Anxiety, Anguish, Apathy.