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Sudden, Surreal & Blank Canvas

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by KVR, Mar 25, 2020.

  1. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    Sorry about saying you were married, slip of the tongue. Yes, Steve and you were a special union. When you fall in love, the world seems so differently. I remember when I had driven to my sisters house, she lived with 3 other teachers.

    Nadine was one of them, of course I had come to see her. We spent the better part of the day and evening together, and eventually made it back to the house. My sister asked me to stay over, as the drive home was long and it was late. So I stayed in the room with my sister and one other teacher on a makeshift bed.

    Nadine and Martina were in the other room. So I quietly told my sister I was going to ask Nadine to marry me, they both giggled. I don’t know if Nadine knew why they were laughing it didn’t matter to me. It was on that next morning I took her on a drive and proposed and she accepted. I was one of the happiest men alive.

    During that time we all were dirt poor, so we asked George who was a Justice of the Peace to marry us, as Nadine’s obit pictures show. It was a snowy day, about 11 inches, on Dec 15th, 1972. We were at Priscilla’s house, she took the pictures. Why I am saying this, I am sure your wedding to Steve would have been a beautiful time.

    Abc, we both will always have special memories to recall, yours of Steve, mine of Nadine. So as you work through your pain, just override them with pictures, with music, with whatever else will bring a smile on your face and a happiness in your heart.

    Nadine loved to watch all the love stories on television. Cedar Cove was one such show. The Hallmark channel was her favorite. Whenever Catherine Bell was in a movie she had to watch it. When Nadine wasn’t reading, she was in her chair watching with a box of tissues beside her. I know shameless, but so wholesome. I will miss her beautiful mind, and all our times together, as you will for Steve.

    Please just remember to take care of yourself first. No one is asking you to rush back to work especially during these dangerous times. As you are able to walk further over that broken bridge of life, let your heart be your guide. Never leap into something, just move slowly with purpose.

    I enjoy showing you music and will continue to do so unless you say enough. Peace be with you today, and I will say another prayer for you. May your heart start to heal. May that smile slowly come back into your life. May the days seem easier to face no matter what you face.

    Take care, continue to take care of yourself.


    -david


    These are the songs I offer to you today





     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Abc, We are all here for you to give any support we can and hopefully something we write helps in some way. The pain you are feeling is because you and Steve had and still have such a strong bond and love. It takes time but you will eventually start to feel some relief. Slowly you'll realize I can actually breathe again without so much heartache.
    Like Ainie mentioned, making a cup of tea was overwhelming, I had that too, and didn't trust myself to drive. I wasn't eating anything, lost a lot of weight and I don't recognize myself. But now I'm eating and cooking sometimes, I'm driving and I'm able to enjoy Ron's favorite music, looking at pictures doesn't dissolve me into overwhelming tears. There's still tears but not like it had been. Foolishly, sometimes I have guilt over feeling some better, but in my heart I know Ron would want me to be feeling better. Ron and I were together 44 years, and there's a saying, I don't recall exactly, but, Forever wouldn't be long enough. Afraid that's true.
    I'm glad that David's music and meditation video might be helping you cope some. And reading our posts. I plan on listening to the meditation video later today. feel so bad for you going through the loss of Steve while all this around us is going on. It adds so much more to our grief having everyday life in such turmoil.
    For whatever reason, reading other peoples posts and knowing there's people who understand helps so much, as does writing your own story. You will feel stronger again eventually, and Steve will always be in your heart. ❤️
     
  3. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you Robin and David for all these kind words. I'm trying to be okay, it takes a lot of resolve. Like you say, I guess someday this pain and tears will abate and I will feel okay again. I'm starting to get quite anxious because I am falling behind on keeping up with all the research, studies, guidelines being published and revised everyday about covid 19 that I need to know before I can start seeing kids at the hospital again. It's hard to get anything done with my mind and heart being in the wringer. I still think sometimes if there's any point of going on. What if I die and be with Steve again, if there's any such thing as that, which I will know only if I die. Sometimes I feel I'm going insane. I feel trapped inside my apartment. Maybe I AM losing my mind.
    All these beautiful memories you have are just so amazing. I have some too with Steve but we never got a lot of time together coz I was always working long hours at the hospital and there was always so much to study with every specialisation and sub specialisation, especially the last three years when I was doing my fellowship in Neonatal ICU care. But we were together when I'd come home and whatever little time I'd get here and there. We thought after I became an attending, we could catch up on all of this, get married, go for walks, go to the beach, go for drives, but it's never going to happen now. It's over before it began. I don't know anything anymore except for this heartache and immense pain I feel. Thank you for writing to me and sharing your stories, I'm not sure what I'd do if I didn't even have you guys, I'd be literally all alone. So thank you very much.
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    Loneliness is very hard to get beyond. I know, the one thing about the military is being sent off without your family. When I was sent to South Korea, that is what my wife had to deal with.

    She would have to make all those decisions for both our sons all alone. Her nights had to be extremely tough. She would have to take care of everything, food, clothing, bills, welfare of both sons, and her work as well. I am certain her thoughts were sometimes depressing.

    In short she had to do almost everything alone, all by herself. Sure we kept in touch by letters, but I am sure she cried herself to sleep many nights

    On military bases, and housing, you make many friends, she did as well. So she did have a way of calling her friends, sharing talks, gathering and even working. I never asked her to work, but after Okinawa, and I would head off to work, her days were lonely I know.

    We only had one son at the time. So she went to work for the military exchange system. This helped her a lot. She was no longer alone while I was away. On this tour, two and half years, when we left she was pregnant with our second child.

    Nadine went to work again outside Ft Meade, Md, at an electronics firm as their bookkeeper. This is what would lead to her career and finally excelling to a VP position later in life. So she had her own new set of friends to keep her company daily.

    Abc, I truly hope you will reach out to someone. Keep doing what you feel is necessary to stay trained, but also if you can make calls or contact via the internet if possible is great. Just talking with others for moments is really very healthy mentally for you.

    So please make sure to do what you feel is necessary for yourself, but also don’t forget to reach out. Keep in contact with someone, anyone if at all possible, or keep posting here when and if you feel the need. We will listen.

    For now please take care of yourself, and never give in to despair.

    -david

    Today I select this music for you of a child violin prodigy, who like us has found a way during our shelter in place order to keep herself and her brother's spirits up. She is an absolute gem.



    During my recovery I watched with admiration this performer bring so much joy to so many people on the streets of Los Angeles, Ca and this is just a small sampling of her playing for others.

     
  5. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you for understanding. Well, I could call up my parents but they get very worried, especially my mom so I don't want to do that with this corona scare going around too. My dad has been running temperature for two days now, corona lab test is yet to come back, it's due tomorrow. I don't want to brother them. I'm too old for that anyway. They have done their part, they gave me the best of everything and now they are old and I shouldn't be hassling them. I'm not a kid.
    I guess I'll be okay someday, or not, I don't know. I wish Steve could come back and everything could be like it was before.
    Thank you for the melody.
     
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    ABC, let me tell you as a parent of 2 children in their 30’s, parents want to help, want to know how you are, we are parents forever. So you’re not too old to talk to them about anything. I understand your concern for them and not wanting to worry them. But I feel a conversation saying this is so hard Mom I miss Steve so much, would be a good place to start. However I also understand that your dad is running a fever so there’s that on top of everything. I still feel a call to check on them, see how they’re doing and mention you can’t believe this is now an extra concern on an already difficult time after losing Steve. I certainly want to know what’s going on in my children’s lives, good and bad. I will also say that showing some compassion and cercdrn to your parents just might help you a little bit. It would definitely be in your best interest to stay in contact with someone, we’ve been there, and know it helps a lot. I still stay in contact with anyone who seems to care. Im guessing you are in contact with your parents, but possibly not sharing how awful you’re feeling, that’s something at least. Try to find someone to reach out to.
    I also understand your concern with not keeping up with all the new virus research. I’m not sure you’re mind is up to that just yet, but do what you feel you’re up to. It’s possible it might be good for you, that’s a hard call. Personally I wasn’t up to doing much of anything but everyone is different, everyone deals differently, however one thing seems to be common, and that’s that talking about and sharing your story and feelings is so very helpful.
    We understand the need for our lost one to come back, how wonderful that would be. I wish there was a magic wand to bring all our loved one back. But alas, here we are.
    ABC, please continue to post, and try to reach out to someone. It helps.
    Take care of yourself, we’re here for you.
    Robin
     
  7. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Yeah I guess you're right. I am in touch with my parents, I check on them every other day but I tell them I'm okay. Maybe if my father's labs come back negative. I can't for now. They have their hands full and I can't cause them additional anxiety. I will be okay, hopefully, someday. There's nothing they can do anyways. I will be okay. I just miss Steve so bad and everything reminds of him, hitting me with this stabbing ache inside. I feel debilitated and in agony. I am so exhausted mentally and emotionally. I guess someday it will start to ease a bit. Until then I have to hold on.
     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yes and hold on tight. Afraid this is a bumpy road. You’re right, you’re parents can’t take the pain away, no one could or can take my pain either, but talking about it all becomes helpful. And also hearing others say they miss him too, is helpful. Keeping it all in isn’t healthy and makes us feel worse.
    I continue to think of what would Ron want me to do, what would he do or what would he say to me? I know all those answers to most things, and that’s what helps me through.
    It is so hard when every last thing reminds you of who you lost. I can’t sit in his favorite chair still, and certain things set me off. But that’s all because we were so close, we finished each other’s sentences, sometimes we didn’t even say words but knew what the other was thinking. I know you feel that too, it’s because we were that close, and even now knowing how things would end I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.
    The feelings we had and still have don’t turn off like a switch, we keep loving, and missing. Well never stop loving or missing but hopefully we all start feeling some better.
    Robin
     
  9. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    It just takes time to heal inside. The one thing we all can admit is we never want to be faced with having regrets. It is always better to reach out. Your heart, your conscience will feel better. If only I could have had more time with my dad (me).

    I know my brother and sisters are happy we now talk more, no matter what. There will always be feelings for those we lost. Some days will be harder than others. That tokens of life we keep, photos, clothes, items of loved ones, videos, music can at least bring them back into our lives if only for a short time.

    The following two videos are special. They are of what we all are facing today. I hope you enjoy them.

    -david

    For you and everyone who have helped and/or still help others





    For all us Stay At Home self quarantine


     
  10. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Abc. Yes just hold on. Or as I would say to myself "just do the next thing". This was so very basic at first...get out of bed..then walk to bathroom...then pee. Literally just the next thing. Very gradually I could do slightly more complex things...make a meal, shop for food, babysit my grandsons. At 6 months I can actually make a plan for tomorrow. Maybe at 9 months I'll be able to plan a week. Try this with your studies ... just read this one sentence, tomorrow perhaps a paragraph. Remember that at this time you are totally allowed to do what YOU need. HUGS.
     
    RLC likes this.
  11. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thanks David, that was a lovely song, thank you frontliners. I guess you're right about being with family and I'd like that but my parents get very worried and that only makes things seem worse. So I don't want to bring that on too on top of everything. It's better this way.
    Thank you Robin, I guess it will get better someday and I'll be able to breathe easy again. Right now it feels my heart is being wrung and its so heavy. It hurts so bad when I think that I will never be able to talk to him or hear his voice again, this is it. It's over. So I'm trying hard to not think too far ahead. Once day at a time. I was playing the spiritual video today and I have to believe that he is in his new life, and he will get lots of love and affection because he always did the right karma. So thats a consolation, that he's out there, just not with me, but he's there somewhere and he's happy. And I have to try to be okay too so I don't send him the energy of pain. I have to set him free so he can live his new life without anything holding him back. Isn't that what we want for our loved ones anyway? That they are happy and loved. I don't know what else can keep me sane if not this belief, even if it might sound crazy.
    Thanks Ainie, that's a good advice, I think I can do that, just think of the very next thing. It's just that one moment I feel I can make it and the next I fall apart and the pain just takes over and none of this seems doable. I'm consumed by this heartache and tears until my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I'm exhausted. It's so lonely without Steve. I feel my heart wither away to this constant agony.
    I've seen so many deaths as a doctor and I would feel awful but we are taught to move on so we can focus and give the best care to the patients at hand but for the life of me, I can't seem to move on from this. I'm caught in this whirlpool of despair that just won't go away. Thought of suicide crosses my mind but I try not to dwell on that.
    I'm trying. Maybe someday I will feel better.
    Thanks for talking to me David, Robin and Ainie. Life doesn't mean anything anymore. Reading your posts help some, so thank you.
     
  12. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc, I am so happy I found that song. So many people are never given thanks, but they keep on giving, keep on caring and you can tell by many they are answering a calling of their soul. If it wasn't for people like this our world would be so hopeless.

    I just want to make one request of you. My parents also worried for us children as well, but I can't explain to you the sparkle in my mothers eye, after dad died and I was her caretaker. We shared so many private moments I never knew about, I just didn't concern her with all my problems at the time. If I hadn't been her provider mom might never have been so open to me.

    I know that life is fragile, anything can happen, and as a doctor I feel you too have seen that happen. So please find a way to reach out to your parents even if at a distance. I made a new thread today, me son Christopher is in the hospital now.

    Take care, heal inside and just realize, we all care, we all hurt and we only just need to talk with one another. Take care.

    -david

     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    ABC, From my experience, I believe all you should think about is this current moment, then think of that next moment, a moment at a time like Ainie said. That keeps things simple and do-able. You are a strong person, you’ve worked so hard to be a doctor, and you’ve seen deaths, but this is different, this is personal,
    And yes you are right, that is what we want for our loved ones, for them to be free of any pain, to be happy and feel love. And that mantra has been helpful to me also. I personally believe Ron is watching over me and when it’s my turn to move on that he will be waiting for me. Some people think I’m crazy, because I believe I’ve received signs and visits from Ron. I 100% believe he is with me and will be there for me. That is what keeps me going.
    If you can keep family in your life even if not sharing and talking about your loss, you need to do that. Family and friends are such a big part of this healing process. I’m glad you keep coming to this site and reading and replying, at least you are in contact with people who have suffered and know exactly how you feel. I feel so bad that you’re loss happened on top of this very stressful time. I know it’s making things worse, I feel worse during the social distancing this pandemic has caused. My heart breaks for you.
    Just remember, don’t think far ahead, you’re in one moment and just think of the next moment. I’m glad you think these posts help, this site and the people on here have helped me emensely, we’re here for you. ❤️
     
  14. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Good morning Abc. I too, as an ICU nurse, cared for many, many people as they died. Like you say you feel awful but you move on to the next person who needs you. I think this is so different because it must be processed by our heart and our body, not our brain. We can't think or reason our way through. We must feel our way through...I let my heart and my body express my pain. Some days I would be on my knees literally pounding the floor in agony. I shovelled snow fiercely with loud sobbing and cursing the fates who took Mike from me. I thought of suicide early on but felt that Mike had such good karma and suicide is bad karma so resolved I must continue to live well so that my good karma will help me end up where his good karma took him. It is such a hard thing but it will get better. HUGS
     
  15. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Oh David, I'm so sorry your son is in the hospital. Is he alright? I hope he feels better soon and comes back home. He will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself too. Many a times during times of stress, we forget to take care ourselves. You need the strength to get your son through this. Please take care.
    Thanks Robin, I know you're right, maybe someday when things are okay, I will talk to my parents. My mom gets panic attacks and there's no point in my making it worse by telling them about this. I still feel I'm too old for these things anyways, I have to get through this on my own, I am not a kid anymore. I'm trying everyday, little by little. I suppose we all have our own beliefs and faith that comfort us in these toilsome circumstances. Everyone needs a little help sometimes, maybe that's why there's spirituality to guide us when we feel lost.
    Thank you Ainie, you are right, my heart body and mind need to work through this loss and so it will take its time. Its rough but I try to do things around the house, keep a routine, take a shower, get dressed, do cleaning around the house, do laundry, make coffee, study on my laptop some, open my books and turn the pages even though I can't concentrate. Just to keep myself from going insane. I feel like a broken soul but I do these everyday things to keep myself from getting swallowed by this pain. I break down and I get engulfed by this hurt every other moment until I'm on my knees, crying till I'm totally drained of energy but I know if I keep some sort of a routine I might not go crazy. It gets very lonely but I'm trying. Thank you David, Robin and Ainie for writing to me. Thanks
     
  16. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    My son is home now, sleeping upstairs. He didn't have covid-19 as far as I can tell. So thank you for your concern, but please don't worry anymore. I am fine and my stress is covered, I ate an apple. :)

    You just take care of yourself. Take life slow and don't rush yourself, no one will fault you for recovering from loss. Now please relax, try listening to music, reading some comforting stories or even watching something to take ease your mind.

    Peace be with you. Your well being is in all our thoughts.

    -david

    A little duo melody for you :cool:

     
  17. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you for the melody. I'm glad you're son's okay and you're fine. I was worried.
    I'm trying, albeit slow.
    Thanks.
     
  18. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    Here is another melody for you. This group is amazing.

     
  19. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you. I'm having a rough time tonight. Its all pointless. No point in trying and for what. It's over. He's gone. He's never coming back. Just like that, didn't take much, huh? After all these years, he left me all by myself here. It will never be the same again and I will never feel okay again. I know it. I will text later. I'm just so exhausted from this constantly heartache.
     
  20. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    All of us here at this site have come together because we have all come to experience loss in our lives. It can make us feel like our hearts have been ripped to shreds. We are in an impossible place, drowning in our sorrow.

    So we throw each other a lifeline. We reach out as you grab it, and bring you back from the edge of depression. Nothing is easy about loss. We find it so hard to wrap our minds around it. We look for reasons why. We are angry and full of so much hurt we all just want to feel better inside.

    Abc, you are deeply hurt inside, this sorrow that makes some times seem impossible to get beyond is your heart crying out. We all feel, so we know losing a loved one is something that is so shattering to our psyche that we are lost in our sorrow.

    You are important, for yourself, and of course others in life. While it is true we have no power to bring back the one we lost. Yes, Steve has passed on, but he is still with you and will always be with you in your heart, mind and soul.

    Abc, both you and Steve shared a special bond in life, a connection that is missing. But as each minute, hour, day and beyond pass you are brought back to wishing him with you. We all do that, we want to reset time and have more time with the one we loved so much in life.

    Of course your life has changed. But, you are not alone anymore, you have others to share your grief with now. I ache in my mind for you. Right now you are feeling lost, lonely and shattered, such a natural feeling Abc. Yes, it is hard to focus.

    Please just take time to grieve. Keep talking no matter what. I know Abc, your loss seems impossible to face, but with the help of others, we will share with you our hurt deep inside us as well.

    Just never stop hoping for more, and feeling your loss. But you have to take it slow. You just need to find a happy medium, a way forward, one that can help you cope better. Just talking is hard, I know it is, I have been there, we all have.

    If you start to feel uncomfortable then change your focus. Look for something else to capture your attention. We will be here for you, today, and the days that follow. Peace of mind while not easy to find is so worth it. Take care.

    -david

    This song is for the one you loved so much in life




    Children will listen and hear