Sudden, Surreal & Blank Canvas

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by KVR, Mar 25, 2020.

  1. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I understand about not wanting to burden anyone. I’m like that too, I also have a hard time asking for help. But we all need some support. My daughter and I ended up spending Christmas alone, my brother spent every Christmas with us, until Ron passed. A whole other story, but I have another brother, I ran into him mid January, I told him I was alone for Christmas and I almost called you to stop by. He said oh you should have. I didn’t because I don’t want anyone to feel obligated, he said I should never feel that way. Then I felt bad I didn’t. But I bet his nephew would welcome a call. He’s mourning too.
    I’m afraid the pain lasts a while, but it does slowly become less and less. I’m sorry you didn’t have the longevity, that you two planned, you did have 10 years of happiness, many people don’t experience that. Ron and I were together a long time, I feel I lost my left side of my body and sometimes I feel paralyzed. It’s the closeness we had, I know you feel that way too.
    Just take baby steps and take care of you. I’m glad our words are helping you a little bit, that’s a nice baby step.
     
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  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    I am here today, on Earth for some reason, I can’t know for sure. Let me explain further. When my wife was struggling with cancer, my son and I took her to the Cleveland Clinic in Weston, Florida and left her in the car as we both walked to get a wheelchair.

    My breathing became labored, it was 98 degrees out, as I continued to walk, I saw a bench ahead and made it to it. I sat there, holding my chest and told my son to go ahead and get the wheelchair. What I would realize years later is I had had a heart attack and destroyed a small part of my heart. We were all so concerned with Nadine I completely forgot about myself.

    When we got back to Nadine in the car, she was on the phone, with the insurance company. She was crying, begging them not to cancel her insurance. She cried that she wanted to live, both my son and me stopped in our tracks.

    I can’t tell you how my son reacted, but he would tell me just recently on that day he died, inside of himself. From that day forward he said he no longer cared for life anymore. I was just shocked at what my wife had been put through, finally, after all the pleading she got the ok to go into the hospital and take the tests. It was on those days she found out she had terminal cancer.

    Abc, I can’t put into words, how we all felt from that day forward for a long time. Life was so foggy, sure we cried, we hugged and kissed each other and it was from then to this day that I never truly realized how messed up our world had become.

    As the days, weeks, months passed, there were so many tests, so many disappointments, but she never gave up. We were with her every step of the way. We knew that cancer had taken an interest in Nadine. No amount of praying, silent crying, willing to sacrifice ourselves for her were ever answered.

    So we took each day we had with each other. Music had always been such a devouring part of my life, I could get lost in it, I needed it, we all needed it. I can’t tell you how many sad days and nights we had, but we kept each other close, dreading passage of time, and so many disappointing answers she would receive. But what amazed me, and my son was Nadine. She refused to give in to despair. She truly kept us grounded, each of us so fragile at that time inside.

    I won’t soften it for you or anyone else, grief can start before death, it can take you to a place that is hard to come back from. As time passed, and she was removed from the transplant list for the third and final time, words can’t describe how we moved forward in life from that point.

    Her former boss paid for her life flight back to Maine, where we closed up the house, waited for the packers to empty the house, signed the papers with the lawyers to take the house, and we had a grueling 3 day trip back to Maine to Nadine in the Auburn, Maine hospice house.

    During this time, her last remaining sister Linda (her two brothers and other sister passed while we were married) and Lisa, her niece, a U.S certified travelling nurse stayed with us, until they accompanied her on that life flight back home to Maine.

    There were many other occasions, tons of exasperation with life in general, so many touching moments, so many tender moments we all shared with one another. Life is such an enigma, we never realize until it happens to you just how fragile we all are inside.

    I won’t go through the remaining 3 months of Nadine’s life, I will just tell you even though we had ten years to go through this cancer process with her, I am sure we were such an unknown to so many people. Nadine’s faith carried us through to the end.

    I will say she was visited by an angel in her dreams, there in hospice, she told Nadine in heaven she would take care of all the unwanted children. Her face had an amazing look, I am sure there were many tears streaming down everyone’s face that moment, as we all sat, listened, it was so quiet in the room.

    Abc, I am a Roman Catholic, I believe in God, and pray to him so much. So when others wonder why I am so strong, it is because of who I have become in life, Nadine, God, my sons, my life experiences, all the losses have brought me to this time and place.

    I have many regrets. I have wished for so many things in my life, sometimes all prayers can’t be answered. Sure life can be so unfair. But I refused to ever give up, I will try to give my strength to my sons, through love, through talks, through hugs and kisses and through memories, some more painful than others.

    Now to answer your question, how do I find these songs. My heart and mind find these songs. I spend literally hours searching, listening, hoping I found a particular song for others, and even for myself that so profoundly grabs us all that after I find it and post it, I know I feel better inside for doing it.

    I am not sure where life will take me, and when life will come to an end for me. I know, after all I have seen in life, how it has affected so many people, and admired how people found a way to overcome so many losses, and obstacles in front of them.

    I have been so changed by life, but that is ok with me. Sure I don’t know if I can help another, but I know that inside myself, I face the night as I crawl into bed with some peace of mind, that I too will refuse to give up on life. I am here, until I am no longer. I will cling to life for as long as God will allow it.

    Last year around Nadine’s birthday in July, as I slept, I had a dream that when I awoke I remembered it so vividly. I had dreamed a spirit all in white had laid on my chest that night. I felt so comforted by that dream. I just believe my wife had reached out to me in my greatest time of need and allowed me to finally start to heal inside.

    So Abc, I would say some days my hands, my thoughts may not be my own, they are pushed by a feeling, a desire to do something. I truly hope you will allow yourself to take the time you need to face those enormous emotions you have built up inside.

    Loss is truly so hard to face, let alone, take the time to open up your heart to others. It is scary, and one we all don’t know where it will take us to tomorrow. I just hope as you read my words, you understand, yes, others have felt loss, we are in ways so connected by our loss.

    Please just take care of yourself and talk as you are able. We all will listen. Peace be with you tonight.

    -david


    Here is a song for you today

     
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  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    David, Thank you for sharing such intimate and close to your heart things of your families journey. As sad and heartbreaking as it was and is, what I see is a loving family who all came together and although now missing such an important family member you and your boys are still on that same track.
    God bless you all
    Robin
     
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  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Thank you! I will say more in the post below.

    -david
     
  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    I am ok today and have been for awhile now, so please don't be concerned for me. I am a big boy who has walked a broken road, but I made it through and so will you one day.

    Now this post is to you, to your heart, so lost in sorrow. I made that above post from my heart with tears flowing freely to show you what we had gone through, and yet we still are here today, doing our best to handle life as it comes to us. Sure the post was brutal, it was meant to be. Why? Life is precious, yours mine, and everyone.

    I value everyone's life, even though I have seen war and the results of it. I have seen loss that would break even the most strongest of us all. But let me also say, as I witnessed so much sorrow, we are all human, we love, we care, we look out for one another, and we hurt, when others hurt, even if only for a moment.

    Abc, you are what has to be an amazing person for choosing such a caring profession. It takes tremendous courage on your part to see suffering day after day and yet still come back for more each day, with regard only for those in need. That is in essence what you would call a heaven sent mind, one who knows how to care for people.

    As you see, as I am sure you have witnessed in life, words can be so powerful. But words can also heal those among us that need guidance or a push in the right direction. If you could understand how my posts have changed over time as I fought my grief. Some words were without true meaning, but a collection of thoughts.

    As I read and watched others here, and listened to my own mind, one day, my thoughts no longer seemed not connected, they had meaning, intent, and I could sense my focus in life was starting to come back. That was my grief starting to lose the battle. It wasn't easy, but to me it was so worth the effort.

    Abc, I see you, I see so many others, who are crying out for someone to listen to, for someone to help them through this terrible time. I know it is scary, it is unforgiven, and there is no clear path to walk forward, so allow me, and others to show you a way forward with your recovery from grief.

    I promise we will be gentle, but we will also be honest, you are too important of a person, each and everyone who suffers grief is also. I have broad shoulders, I have seen and heard so many cries in life, including my own. It won't be easy, but you no longer have to do it alone, if you take our hands virtually, we and others will walk you with words forward through this pain that so strongly holds you back.

    My deep blue eyes are staring into the mist, looking for answers for all who suffer, and today I am focusing on you. For now Abc, take each day slowly,

    Time will bring you back. I hope for peace for you tonight, and for you to rest your weary mind. I will be here for you, and so will others. Keep posting, no matter what, no matter how you might feel, we are great listeners.

    -david

    Today I need to find a very special song for you.

     
  6. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you David and Robin, I'm not sure I deserve all the kind and sweet things you say to me. Thank you for sharing with me something so personal. You're real heroes, brave hearts to have seen all that in life and still stand tall. You are very lucky to have the families you do. I am just this person, I'm not sure if I deserve anything anymore. All these years, 13 years of medical training, having helped countless number of patients and here I am, all alone. I wonder if anyone would miss me if I'm gone. My parents will but I pray to God they get over it somehow. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my eyes hurt from crying so much. I miss him so bad, I can't breathe. I don't want to disappoint anyone, you've all been so nice to me but I don't have the words to tell you how broken I feel. I keep wondering what if Steve's waiting for me to be with him again, what if he's there and I can see him again. I know you all have been through very difficult times and thank you for sharing those with me but I'm not sure if I'm that strong. I feel debilitated with this crushing pain inside of me that just won't leave me alone. I've seen many deaths very closely in my career as a doctor and often it would shake me up but I'd come home and I'd hold on to Steve with dear life and soon I'd be okay again to give in my best to take care of my patients but now with Steve gone I don't think I will ever come out of this. He was my anchor and I want to go too with him. I don't want to live without him. I don't see anything good happening to me ever again. Just harsh, biting cold and darkness. I'm grateful to both of you for being here for me and I feel like I'm letting you down coz I'm not getting better. I'm sorry, I don't mean to disappoint anyone.
     
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  7. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    You are a doctor, one who has seen so much in your career as one, but, when your heart was broken it is not something you can fix so easily. Sure this grief you are living with is smothering. How can a person not miss the one they loved so much in life.

    Right now your focus is more on what you lost, not on what you had in life with Steve. Those special memories you shared with him will be with you forever, you can always think back upon them. No one will ever be able to take them away from you.

    It is not going to be easy, nor is it going to be quick. All you need to do Abc, is read through the posts in the various forums and see all the broken hearted people who are crying out in so much pain just like you. While their loss may not be the same type as yours, it still dynamically affects them strongly as it does you.

    Life is not a matter of who is deserving of what, it is more of life is what we as a person make of it. You think so little of yourself right now, but frankly, you have helped so many people as one who heals. In terms of worth, a human life saved is so profoundly amazing, words pale in how to put such a value on it. Abc, you as a doctor have given hope to others during their worst times of their lives.

    Even though I told my personal story of Nadine’s last ten years, the one thing that it doesn't reflect is how affected each nurse and doctor who treated Nadine felt. I know we cried, but so did they, not always to our face, but you can tell as you peer into their eyes and see their fears, their sorrow, no less than I or anyone else would feel. I was grateful for all they tried and shared with us, and I know even though it took a toll on my sons and me, it also took a toll on them as well.

    So I understand your dread, your fears, your sorrow, they are real, they are what hold each of us back when grief walks into our lives. If I were to be asked who I would save first if only so few of us could be saved, it would be healers like you first and foremost. You devalue your worth too much.

    I want you to view this hero, he was a combat medic in world war two who refused to carry a gun into war. At first everyone of his company of men scorned him and hated him and even beat him up. But he saved 75 soldiers all by himself, why, because he believed in himself, as you have in the past.

    Here is the video:



    For his actions that followed he was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor, as a conscientious objector. He is a true hero, and so are all those who help and heal others no matter whether war or not. I suppose you can say sometimes in life, we all might face a war of sorts with our life, this is where you and others come in. Believe me Abc, you are so worth who you have become as a person.

    When you say you are not strong, I laugh, being able to see a person at their most vulnerable time in life, perhaps bleeding, perhaps not, it takes a special type of will to be able to stay the course and help heal them. Abc, that is a gift, it is not something you learn in school, it is about who you are as a person, nothing less, nothing more.

    You also are no less shattered than anyone else when they lose someone. It just takes time to heal your heart, your mind, your soul, and your will. So for now, keep talking, keep posting, and keep letting those emotions lessen over time. My medical book (my own) of life says it will take time. It will take heart, and you have proved over and over in life you have such an abundance of it.

    I do hope you make sure to rest, and just realize your road of grief will be a long broken road.

    Peace be with you tonight and in your heart.

    -david

    Here is the song I play for you today:
    I like this song more than Shallow-

     
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    ABC, You just care for you. You’re not disappointing anyone. We’ve all been there, felt like you’re feeling. I’m 16 months since the worst day of my life. I have good days I have bad days and ups and downs each day. This takes time but I’m trying, why? Because I know With all my heart that Ron would want me to be ok and live life. I also have two children that that are mourning their Dad, and need me in their life. I guarantee your boyfriend wants you to be ok and you’re part of a family with your parents, they need you. Not to mention all the people you help on a day to day basis.
    I don’t consider myself brave or strong at all, I feel I’m trying to move forward, mainly because my life revolved around Ron and he would want me to move forward. I’m Still struggling but I’m trying. It’s way too soon for you to to be doing better, this is such a slow process and takes so much time, but you can do this. You do have much to live for and you’ll get there one day, as I know I will someday. Everything is a reminder of our wonderful life, somethings make me cry, others smile. I never know which it will be. I almost feel selfish, because I consider sending you posts or anyone a post, as part of my healing. I would love if anything I say to anyone has helped them even a little, that brings me peace.
    Please take care of yourself, please reach out to anyone you have. Most of all keep reading and posting on here. I don’t want to sound like a broken re odd but it’s so helpful. We’re here for you!
    ❤️Robin.
     
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  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Just a quick note David, before Ron passed he told me that he’d like the dvd Hacksaw Ridge, was on a wish list for Christmas. So after he passed, and right before Christmas I bought that dvd, for him, but for me. We had seen it in the theater and enjoyed it. Such a great movie. Then I watched it with my children after Christmas, and multiple times after. Great movie! Nice choice for ABC to take a look at.
    Robin
     
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  10. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you Robin and David for taking the time and effort to write to me. I guess I'll watch the movie tonight or tomorrow. I'm trying. It's rough but I'm doing what I can. Cleaning, laundry, fixing something to eat, making coffee, little chores. Trying to get into a routine. Though its really hard to get anything done because I can't seem to function very well. Everything reminds me of Steve and it doesn't take a second for this overwhelming pain to take over and crush me until I'm on my knees crying, begging God to make it okay. I believe in the preachings of Hinduism, I've always liked their messages. So peaceful and serene, strengthening your soul and teaching you right from wrong. It has helped me through some very difficult times during my medical training. The concept of karma is what saves me every single time whem I'm lost. I used to tell Steve all the time about karma and he'd joke we should both turn Hindus. He was funny, always making me laugh. I don't know how but it occured to me today that I gotta listen to it and so I gathered all my strength and played it's teachings. It says that a soul never dies, they leave one body but then they're born again as a little baby somewhere else. Life goes on. Everything that a soul in his new body gets, depends on all he has done in his previous life, his karma. So if you never think or wish ill for someone, if you never cause anyone emotional, mental or physical pain, if you help people in need, it's your good karma. I know Steve was like an angel and I know that he's now going to be in a new family that will love him very very much because he deserves it. He always did the right karma. Never thought bad for anyone. I hope that he gets everything he wants and he's cherished more than life itself wherever he is. Hinduism says that if we stay in pain over someone who has gone into another life, then our energy of pain reaches them and so I have to try to be okay so that I can send Steve the energy of love and peace. That's all I want, I want him to be very very happy and feel so loved in his new family. I know he's out there somewhere and I can't send him pain and sorrow by being in pain myself. I don't know if it makes any sense to you, it's the most peaceful religion I think. Anyway, I'm trying, it's hard to feel okay but I'm trying, I've got to for Steve. I gotta find peace so he can be peaceful and happy. Maybe you think I'm crazy.
     
  11. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    It is great you are keeping yourself busy. When my grief was so strong I had to find a way to help me survive the days. My sons and I had many talks, and many quiet times, trips to the movies where we could let someone onscreen talk to us and make us feel better.

    At first it was hard talking to family, they had their own lives, and my brother had his loss of his own wife, my sister was so involved in teaching, she taught for 48 years before her retirement. My other sister was also busy with her three children and grandchildren, and so after the initial sorries we were on our own.

    So time passed, we did our own thing, theirs and each of us, my sons and me finally got into a routine. One son was a cook, the other a technician, and I just had so much time now on my hands.

    So life is funny, my days started being filled with music, hours and hours of it, videos the amount of which would boggle anyones mind, and finally going through keepsakes, photos and all the collections we had gathered over our forty two years of marriage.

    At first once in a while we would watch some movies or shows together but eventually that too faded away, so I was happy with the routine I had developed for me during the days, it got me through some tough times.

    Abc, I have always believed there is life after death, but in the afterlife, however, I have also realized from life's experiences that there are so many religions and beliefs, They came about for so many valid reasons, and so when you talk of believing in Hinduism, that is who you have become. Your beliefs are no less important than mine or anyone else's.

    No, I don’t think you are crazy, I think like all of us suffering loss, we are trying to find our new selves and where life will go forward in the end. The answers you find are no less significant than anyone else’s. So I hope you will come to some peace of mind, like I am now feeling.

    Grief is terrible, as you go through the stages your mind can be all over the place. When I first started my grief I thought Nadine only had cancer for 6 years, as time went on after her death and I went through all the tons of papers from all of her doctors, I discovered, cancer was the first suspected reason, so it was 10 years not 6.

    What a loved one goes through in suffering, it takes us along as well. How each of us keep ourselves together is a mystery I don’t really care to know the answer to and will never search.

    Today life is so different, at first days were patchwork hours pieced together, now they are finely tuned direction for what my heart and mind want to do. Nights, oh my God, at first, the echoes in the rooms, the speaking and receiving no answers back, lying on the bed with an empty spot next to you. It was of course hard to get beyond at first.

    Now today, my nights are filled with all my efforts during the day, made of course by my heart and mind. I no longer fear those dark nights as the lights went out. I can now stand the emptiness to a degree, what any normal heart broken person would.

    I hope as time goes on for you Abc, you will come to peace of mind. Your days and nights will no longer be something to fear. I also hope you will continue to reach out, even for the silliest of reasons. For now take care and may each new day be easier to face for you.

    Peace be with you in your heart and mind.

    -david


    This is a Hindu song for loss





    This is just a peaceful melody I sometimes play when I need it

     
  12. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thanks David. That is a very soothing melody. Thank you. I really admire your strength and courage for having made it through. I hope I can too. It feels so empty. So hollow. With this corona outbreak, I feel caged. Once this pain and tears ease a bit, I might be able to go to the hospital again. Not be so alone. It makes me feel his absence even more. Nights are the worst, this longing just breaks my heart. I feel terrified as the sun starts to set and I can feel the gloom increasing inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind, at the verge of insanity. I am trying to listen to spirituality to keep myself from going insane. I know Steve is out there somewhere, a little baby in a new family. He is in this world and I gotta find peace so I can send him good wishes and love. He deserves everything good in life because he was the most beautiful person I knew. Sometimes I feel so weak, like every last ounce of energy has left my body. I hope someday I won't hurt this bad. I wish there was someone by my side, a real person, it gets so quiet. Thank you for helping me through this.
     
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  13. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    Music so drives us, without it we would be so one dimensional. We all go through life, our moods vacillate as we change, we find music to help us cope with life or just make us happy.

    Abc, strength is measured in who we are. You dismiss yourself to easy. While today seems impossible, you hold amazing strength within yourself, you just need to find a way to draw it out. I want you to think of all those you have cared for as a doctor.

    Think of those all of those people you gathered fortitude to help them through their worse times. You will never convince me you are weak, you are just hurt, deep inside yourself, but you have such an inner beauty through strength when you reach out to help others. It might not be apparent, but once you get back to work, you may not recognize how you shine so bright for others in need.

    I know this will be a time when your sorrow will be all over the place. It doesn't take much to set each of us off, even just an innocent comment can make us retreat. To help you cope with this loss, reach out, maybe by phone, or the internet. Please just remember, your feelings are very important as well as your mind, and just take everything cautiously.

    Please keep reaching out, and we will be here. Be safe in whatever you do, I will say a prayer for you tonight.

    -david

    This song is another mood music for you today


     
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    ABC, I’m happy to see you’re trying to stay busy. That has been such a help for me, still is. My days went from working all day, making dinner each night and some days doing bookkeeping for our business to absolutely no schedule at all. Nothing but grieving each and every day. Like David mentioned, I also eventually worked towards having some routine. My daughter and I went to see mindless movies or we’d walk around a wildlife refuge that’s close by. Or just sit and say how did this happen, is this real?
    ABC, if Hinduism is your belief, that’s wonderful. I’m hoping it helps you find peace and helps you through each day on this very bumpy road.
    I still struggle every single day, I have a difficult time sleeping, eating Ron’s favorite foods give me both pain and solace at the same time. I have no desire to go to bed and then in the morning although I’m awake very early I have no desire to get up. However, all these things are a little easier as time passes. It’s such a hard journey we’re all on, we have to try to push through. That’s what our loved ones would want.
    There was a time, actually a long time I couldn’t listen to music at all, made me so emotional and I couldn’t pull myself up and out of that emotional torture. I can listen now and I’ve had music playing all day today. Songs Ron enjoyed, or we enjoyed together. I’m learning it’s a process, and I have to do what feels ok at that moment. I can’t bring myself to sit in his favorite chair, even though I know he’d say, please sit in my chair. Instead I filled it with pillows so no one sits in it and I look over at it each night wishing Ron was sitting there and watching tv with me. Eventually that time will come, when I can sit there, just not there yet. That’s where our nightmare started, Ron sitting in his recliner and me close by on our couch. This current situation with this virus and quarantine sure have complicated things for us all. Makes me want Ron that much more.
    ABC I totally understand about the aches and pain, they feel never ending. Time is your friend and will help ease that pain slowly.
    Please take care, and hoping for better days ahead
    Robin
     
  15. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thanks Robin and David for caring about me. David I'm very thankful to you for sending me these lovely melodies and songs. Thanks. I'm trying to feel okay. I try to avoid things that Steve used to like because the pain is just unbearable. Like you say Robin, maybe some day I might also be able to eat those food, drink what he liked, listen to songs he used to send me, read his texts. Maybe someday. For now, it's too much to handle. Spirituality says that I have to find peace within me, nobody can do this for me, I have to do it for myself and send lots of love and good wishes to Steve in his new journey of life. Just like we would never hurt the ones we love when they are with us, we can't send them all this negative, heavy energy now either. If I stay in pain, it will reach Steve, it will cause him pain too. So I have to wish him well and send him positive energy by being at peace myself. I'm trying. They say it's our karma. If I keep being good, wish everyone well, do the right things, someday I will be okay again. It's all a circle, what you send out there always returns to you one way or another, in this life or the next. It's really hard right now but I'm trying to get by. I am trying to keep a routine, I'm listening to a lectures on peace and spirituality. Thank you for helping me everyday.
     
  16. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    Sometimes it is hard to find the right words for those who have suffered loss. What I have seen in life, after deaths, is we are all so unique, we all grieve for our losses in our own special way. There is no right or wrong way for us all, there is only one path for you, and it may not be the same for another. So we let the heart and mind of people who have lost guide them, and we listen, and marvel at their spirit within them.

    I hope for the best for you, today and all days forward. Please take care of yourself, and never give in despair. Peace be with you.

    -david

    This is a guided meditation video I found for you. If you have not heard it take a chance and listen a bit.

     
  17. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thank you for this meditation.
    I'm having a rough time. I don't want to believe any preachings. I just want him back. Nothing takes away this pain. I miss Steve so much, why can't he just come back? Why can't I hear his voice again? I don't want to try anymore. I'm done. It's too much agony for one person to endure. I'm not that strong. I want him back. He always said I'd never have to worry about losing him. He promised. How could he leave me all alone? I can't do this, I'm exhausted. My mind and heart are so tired, my eyes hurt from crying, my chest hurts. I dont want to do this. I want to die too. Nothing will ever be okay again, I know it. You're wasting your time on me. I don't think I'm strong enough.
     
  18. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    I too listen to meditation when I am writing, it helps me, the serene music, the softness of it. We are all capable of so much, we sometimes don’t realize how special we may be in our own way. None of us are alike, we have molded our lives by all the choices and family histories we had as we grew up.

    Sometimes fate comes into our lives and moves in such mysterious ways. As our lives change, some are just so heartbreaking, we are tested. We might be faced with impossible decisions, something we never planned on, and even something that is beyond our comprehension.

    My mother would tell me of the past, during the war, World War 2. She had married her high school sweetheart, and when Pearl Harbor was bombed her husband along with his friends felt compelled to volunteer. Sadly he died on the D Day Invasion, and mother had to find a way to go forward with her infant son, my step brother Henry.

    For the longest time she moved forward in life with the help of family and friends. It wasn’t until two years later she married my father still during the war. Both dad and her first husband were naval heroes, dad was the lucky one who made it home. He came from a family of 6 brothers and 5 sisters.

    So as I grew, I witnessed the hardships. Family came first no matter what, they would go to the end of the world to take care of them. Dad taught both my step brother and me, serving was an honor, as some people will never understand it is a calling in life that you come to terms with easily. Some sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.

    Your calling in life came about somehow to become a doctor. You met and married Steve, a wonderful man. Of course you are shattered, you wanted that life to never end, but sadly sometimes those we love so much are taken by fate, no matter what we wish.

    The love you shared with Steve, the same that I shared with Nadine, was special. We both have lost one of the most precious things we valued in life, our loved one. Trying to heal inside in not something that is easy, nor are there easy answers. You need to lean on people, you need to keep opening up to help your emotions come to a livable plateau. Please keep listening to the meditation video periodically to relax, it doesn’t hold the cure, but it can help you to meet and face your stress easier.

    Abc, those strong emotions are just your love crying out. We all who have lost have to slowly face our pain. It just takes time. I hope today you will get some rest, and never keep reaching out for as long as you wish, no matter how you feel. Peace be with you tonight.

    -david


    I am of Irish descent and this has always been a favorite of mine for losing a loved one

     
  19. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Dear Abc I have been reading this thread. My husband died Oct 11/19. I remember feeling just as you describe...desperate, weak, unable to stand the pain. I had to call a friend because I couldn't make myself a cup of tea. I cried non-stop, I called out in the emptiness, I screamed in agony, I cursed. I think expressing my grief without holding back helped. Gradually the pain has become bearable. Some days are still bad but mostly now I am functioning quite well. I still cry often but it is soft and sad, not that terrible initial pain. My hubby adopted as a motto the bible verse "Life has changed, not ended " after he had a 16 hour surgery that left him unable to take any food or drink by mouth. He made me promise to adopt that when he died. I'm trying to do that. Some of us overachievers expect too much of ourselves too soon. You will suffer and you will be ok. HUGS
     
  20. Abc

    Abc Guest

    Thanks David and Ainie for writing to me. I guess it will take some time and a lot more pain and tears, before it starts to get better. Steve and I were going to get married after I finished whole of medical training and became an attending. 13 years of this education got over 7 months ago. We were now going to plan our wedding, just a small ceremony. We were both private people, not into loud parties and gatherings. I have been with him for over 10 years. They say that every soul has his own journey and this was all the time that was destined for him and me, and now he must move on to his another life. All we can do is pray and wish them well, send them positive energy and love so they can settle down in their new lives and be happy. At times it gets very hard but reading your posts helps. Knowing there are people who've been through this difficult time gives you hope. I'm trying. I have to start studying, there is an avalanche of research and guidelines coming out everyday on covid 19. I have to study all of this before I start working at the hospital again. I can hardly get much done though, my heart feels so heavy and desolate, nothing feels okay. I'm hoping it will get better someday. Thank you again for sharing with me these soothing songs and melodies, and writing to me. Thanks.