Sudden, Surreal & Blank Canvas

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by KVR, Mar 25, 2020 at 4:07 PM.

  1. KVR

    KVR Member

    I am a new member. I lost my husband of sudden heart attack on November 26, 2019. He was 53. It was one week after we returned from celebrating our 25th anniversary abroad. There he said good bye to his family, although I would not have known it then. We met abroad when I was 19. We grew up together. We have 2 children. He died at work, so that evening, my new life began. When I read a post written by a another widow, I joined this network. My husband was my best friend and life now is strange, surreal, complicated, difficult. My anxiety is hard to manage. Half of a life with a person is a life time, middle age is complicated as is it, figuring out what you want to keep and what you want to leave behind, watching children grow up, thinking about your purpose in life. Now alone, it is strangely blank, and not blank, there are so many memories that make up my identity. We had always planned to move abroad, to where he and his family are from, now I wonder if that country can be my home without him. Every day is different.
     
  2. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Active Member

    Yes, I understand completely. I lost my husband almost six months ago. We had so many plans for our future and now they are gone. Still trying to figure out life with out him.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  3. KVR

    KVR Member

    Hi, thanks for responding. How are you coping? What are some of the things you've found helpful. Dealing with this and shortly after, the corona virus is overwhelming
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  4. Cora1961

    Cora1961 Active Member

    Hi, just taking one day at a time and trying to not get overwhelmed with everything going on in this world today. If I think or watch on tv too much of it then I get a lot of anxiety . It makes u think of your own morality and your other love ones. I have already lost so much, I don’t know how u could stand anymore. I am spending a lot of time with my daughter and my grandchildren so that has helped pass the time. And just pray my family stays healthy and safe. I am going home on Friday but I really don’t know how long I will be able to stay alone in the house. If it wasn’t for the virus , I think a lot of us would be doing better. It is just scary times . I know that probably didn’t help u any but at least you know u won’t be alone in your thinking . Hope you do okay. Keep in touch, it does help to talk to others online.
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    KVR,

    I too wish to say how sorry I am for your loss. When we meet someone and fall in love, our lives change. We might talk to what tomorrow could bring, and that we want to share our lives with another.

    When we marry and have children, they are born out of our love for one another. So we change as our lives change, but we still plan for our new future. Though today seems so hard to get a grasp on with all the strife in the world, and the possible danger to us all now, that of course is no reason to ever give up.

    As we age, and our outlook and plans again change, we still draw upon all that has happened to us in the past. Our lives are interwoven, our plans changed as time changed. However, when the worst thing happens and the one who we made all these plans with is no longer with us, this new life we now have is such a huge unknown.

    Like you, I was married for 42 years, over half of my life, almost half a century. Nadine, my wife was such a part of me. I like you, and everyone else, might never have made plans for such a future without the one who we loved so much. So we are at a loss. How do you move forward in life, alone, without the one who you confided with in life.

    The most amazing thing over the years is how I realized that our two children have the beautiful insight that Nadine raised them with. Sometimes their answers are so much better than my own.

    I understand, though she may no longer be physically present with me anymore, she is deeply inset with my two sons, and so I listen to them a lot. Their outlook for tomorrow comes from a different time and so their thoughts are not cluttered perhaps with all that has happened in the past. So I am always happy, to just let them talk when they do and I have even grown some as a person from their words.

    KVR, what tomorrow brings is not yet set in stone. You have to trust in yourself and let your conscience be your guide. I hope you will find some peace forward, and also make sure to take care of your own well being.

    -david

    This song is for you

     
  6. Abc

    Abc New Member

    Hello everyone,
    I'm new here. Just joined the group. My boyfriend of many years passed away 2 weeks ago in his sleep. I'm a doctor in ICU for babies. First one week I tried staying very busy and didn't acknowledge the fact that he was gone. I guess I was in denial. Then it started to sink in. I was let off today because I can't function without breaking down ever so often. We were so in love, we were going to get married after I finished my residency at the hospital. I feel lost, he was everything to me. I'd spend whatever little time I got with him. I have no friends, no one. I feel like killing myself. I have nothing to live for. I will never be able to breathe again without this immense crushing pain inside of me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can get through this. Its just too painful.
     
  7. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Abc,

    Having the one we love no longer with us is one of the toughest things we will ever face in life. I am sorry for your loss, and hope there will be better days ahead for you.

    I see you are one of the heroes in life, who take care of those most vulnerable in life, for that thank you. Please don’t ever dwell on those bad thoughts you have for yourself.

    Being at a loss on how to cope with your current situation, especially with covid-19 and shelter in place orders we all might be under is an impossible time. It is going to take some time for you to recover.

    Now that you have found this site, you are among people who have suffered so many losses in their lives. My own wife of 42 years passed from cancer, it will be 5 years next month. What I found was this loss affected me so much, especially because as time passed those who said their sorries moved on.

    I searched after leaving Facebook.com, after my account had an attempted hacking and closed both my wife’s and my account. So I searched for other places to release my emotions that kept building up inside of me. Tears were plenty, I felt sorry for myself, but I did not give up on life, or myself.

    I talked to a therapist, to priests and so many people over and over. The one thing I kept realizing as I talked and opened up my emotions were raw, so very raw, I would cry, have a heavy feeling inside and just didn’t know what to do.

    So as I searched for other sites to talk to others, I started watching videos of so many things. I opened all my albums, all my old home videos, all the slides we had collected during our years together and took my time to absorb what I had lost.

    Let me also say Nadine, my wife was an amazing person, as you must be as well to become a doctor. She experienced so much in life, but never put herself above others, she always found a way to talk to others. She had an acute memory ability, one that you would say is abnormal, I used to admire her for how she resolved so many things in life.

    Abc, while life might seem hopeless right now that is your grief taking ahold of you. It is not easily overcome and takes time to recover from your broken heart. Now, I kept watching videos, some of pet rescues, some of people helping other people and still others of wedding proposals, I have known crazy since my wife had passed on.

    I found that each of these videos were videos with happy endings, sure they would not change my life, but they somehow made me feel so much better inside each time I watched. Tears flowed freely.

    Then I started listening to music. What I found was that at first violin music seemed to affect me the most for some reason. Sure music with words is also great, but those violins seemed to help me calm down inside more and more each day. As time has passed I have started to increase my Youtube.com collection, you see in real life I have accumulated over 3k music of all sorts, vinyl, 8-track, cassette, tape recordings.

    I am not sure how much you love music but this is just some of the music I have added to my channel

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor

    You should be able to listen to anything there without subscribing. You can see all the violin music I added.

    I have so much more to say but don’t wish to talk too much right now and scare you off. Just take you time slowly right now, and focus on your own well being. You come first, today forward.

    We are all here to listen, and are friendly. Talk when you like.

    I wish to provide you with this melody. There are no words, just music and dance


     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    ABC, I am so very sorry for your loss, I know you’re feeling desperate and alone, I know how you’re feeling and it’s a feeling youv’e never felt before. Nothing in life can prepare you for this. That’s what makes us break down, because it feels that bad. The loss of my husband was sudden also. Sitting watching tv and all the sudden he had symptoms of a stomach virus, that changed to chest pains from that moment to losing my soulmate was 2 hours. I remember every single thing we did that day. And how fast he went down that evening. I was told it was a massive heart attack and even if he saw a heart doctor the day before they wouldn’t have seen it. I understand you feelings of not wanting to go on, your life is in turmoil, nothing is the same, your body and mind ache. But just think of your boyfriend and how much he loved you, you know he’d want you to keep trying and not give up. You have to try for his memory for his sake. I believe you probably were in denial. How could you not be, we all experience that. How can this be happening, is this real?
    Going to work probably felt like that’s what you wanted to do. Something normal, but it may have been too much. Take care of you, and only try to get through this moment. Then think of the next. Be easy on yourself. You’re going through a life changing event. Do nothing if that feels the best. I know I did next to nothing for quite a while. Step outside get some fresh air.
    You’ve come to right place, people here get it, we totally understand we’re dealing with struggles as well.
    Remember, your boyfriend will always be with you, he’s in your heart to stay, he’s a part of you. And he wants you to be ok.
    Try to post or read or both. It’s very helpful, you’ll find compassionate people here. We’re here to help each other, we’re here to help you. David gave you great advice, hopefully something we e written help you get to that next moment.
    Thoughts are with you, sending hugs.