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Sudden Loss=Sudden Lost

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by ISAN77, Feb 24, 2021.

  1. ISAN77

    ISAN77 New Member

    I am having and have been having a very FUCKED UP 2021 FROM January 1. I was finally relieved 2020 was finally at the end because it was year that caused a lot of things to just stop and sit at a standstill with the Covid and everything else worldwide. Then with me being sick from November 2019-September 2020, which at that time they didn't know anything about Covid in 2019.

    So 2020 rings out and 2021 rings in,, but my ex boyfriend and I are asleep at my cousin Erics house. Around 435a I get up to go to the bathroom and as soon as I start to walk down the stairs,, Eric opens his door while sitting on his Bedroom floor asked where i was going and I told him bathroom. He then said just use mine up here, so I did and as I walked out to go back to bed we did our usually joke to each other, which meant "I LOVE YOU." Little did I know that would be the last time I tell him that. At 10:36-10:45, sorry Military got me being very detail about everything, I went upstairs to wake him up or see if he was up.
    NOW FOR THE HARD PART PLEASE BARE WITH ME IF I MISS WORDS OR MISSPELL.

    I knocked twice and called his name until I finally opened his door and didn't see him, so I proceeded to the bathroom, again knocked and said his name no answer. Bathroom was not closed fully so as I walked I saw him hunged over on the floor, meaning sitting upright with his right shoulder against his bathroom tub and head hanging down and feet going towards left shoulder, but along the floor. As I walked in the 1st thing I see are like BLUE SPIDERWEB CIRCLES on his back, not dark but to me noticeable. Once I saw those, I said his name again and slowly with my right had touch his back preparing myself for him to jump up and scare the hell out of me, except he was ICE COLD. Shook him, nothing, then that is when I saw his face, and it will never leave my head. He was PURPLE, LIKE THE ARTIST'S PRINCE COAT IN PURPLE RAIN IF NOT DARKER. I start flipping out and yelling and screaming, nobody hears me, so I have to run and almost rolled down the stairs for someone to call 911 cause I didn't have my phone.
    That whole process im not getting into because I get more aggravated and requires more explanation.

    911 was called after they finally understood me and when arrived, he was already dead. The coroner on scene called it at 11:15a January 1, 2021, and since that day I have been in hell. I talk to him everyday, lately, by instinct, I think ill call Eric, for like a split second until I realize I can't. I have not had anytime to sit down and let this process in my head because I have had distraction after distraction, and I been looking for support groups, I have set things up through the VA, its just everything else, a process and slow as of late. Now things are starting to come together, I hope, because I got to Mental Health, well Video, Monday and I finally found a support group that I am willing to check out, plus my current life situation, besides work because that is still crazy, as slowed down due to change which didn't help me at all.

    My apologies of the length and in-depth information, but this is the first time I actually am able to let it out with no distractions and I think God for that. Tonight is very, very calm, compared to every past night of my life. For that I thank Eric, because he knew when it was time for me to start finding peace within myself and when to start, yeah not time for that yet.
     
  2. LBA

    LBA Member

    ISAN77...My experience was kind of similar. Things were finally looking good for us. 5 years together. Been through some ups and downs but he’s the love of my life. Felt like we’d been together for 20. Both in our mid 30’s. 5 weeks ago we went to bed. We had a tiny disagreement, but we ended with I love you etc and snuggling. Just being next to each other, we always felt ok. He fell asleep first. I was awake for 1.5 hrs and finally fell asleep too. I had to wake up early for work. Woke up at 2:30 am to go to the bathroom...I can’t go in to details...it hurts too much...I had to call 911...do CPR...every moment since that night has felt like I’m just treading water. Trying to not just completely fall apart. And then I do fall apart for a couple of days...and then I go back to treading water. I’ll have to work again soon, but I can’t be around people without crying. I’m trying counseling but haven’t found anything to make the pain better. I can’t imagine going back to work or ever being ok. If you want to talk...sounds like we both had traumatic experiences...finding the person you love like that...I wake up nauseous every morning. My name is Laura or LBA on here
     
  3. ISAN77

    ISAN77 New Member

    Laura, I am so sorry for your loss and I do know what you mean about treading water and having breakdowns. That is all I been doing. I have finally got in touch with a Therapist and a Psychologist to help me try and recover from this trauma. It has been hard moving forward since that day, my job has become more demanding on me being there, eventhough I have Dr Notes. They have recently told me to fill out a Request for an Accommodation Form, which in my mind atm I'm not asking for any Accommodation. I had 5 sick days, 3 floaters and 2 weeks vacation and they took them all because I have been missing. So besides trying to mourn my cousin who passed suddenly, I bow have to also juggle in the fact that my job is on the line, eventhough I have the Doctor filling out my FMLA forms finally, and also juggling my current t relationship because there are time when I'd like to just forget about everything, but when I want to do it it's not right to do, but when others want to do it and/or do it, it's OK. I'm always the badguy now, always the person who does something wrong when I do nothing at all. My cousin was the only person that I got support from no matter what it was about. I have been trying to go online and find out if I can see the coroner report because his family is not speaking to me because they blame me for something I did not do. Also on top of all that I am already diagnosed with Chronic Depression, which this made me worse and it is very traumatic. Idk which way is up or down these days, idk where to turn or who to turn to and there are days where, yes I want to die because I feel there is no reason for me to live if all everyone is doing is blaming me and making me the badguy for his death and everything else.