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Sudden Loss of Son

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by Leniegirl, May 29, 2020.

  1. Leniegirl

    Leniegirl Member

    I lost my son suddenly 4/2020 in the midst of the Covid 19 Pandemic and all it's struggles.
    He had 3 children. You see my story is different because I last saw my firstborn son 2 years
    ago Mother's Day.

    My son struggled with mental illness and after much verbal abuse and him not attempting to
    get professional help I reluctantly just let go. His father added to this by being in cahoots to convince my son I was the enemy.

    Because of years of estrangement and before that ups and downs it appears my family is less sympathetic to my grief. They have made comments that are very hurtful as losing a child during estrangement is very difficult in a different way. Regret of what could have been.

    Also, I have always reached out to people who loss family or friend and I was shocked to see how many people avoid me now. I have been very strong publicly. Due to my faith. So it's not like I'm depressed and scare them away. In fact, after being off work for a one week I returned and announced please everyone just be yourselves and if something is funny laugh. In fact, I will laugh! Still I find it is a selfish thing to not even give me condolences.

    My family and friends reactions and my family's insensitive comments have made my grief doubly hard and very shocking. I really don't even want to answer when they call.

    Additionally, my ex husband got next of kinship by manipulating my grandson. He planned everything and excluded me only inviting me to limited viewing as a guest. With the pandemic things are different when it comes to burials but he deliberately has excluded me and treated me as if I wasn't his mother. I don't even know where my sons cremated remains are. My closest sister seems to think because I didn't want his ashes to spend eternity in an urn that I shouldn't care where his remains rest. I am appalled, angry and bitter!
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Leniegirl,
    I am so sorry for your loss. It’s hard enough to lose your child, let alone the torture that’s being put on you.
    Whether there was estrangement or not, he’s your son and your mourning his loss. I’m sorry you’re not receiving the respect you deserve. And being left out of services and decisions is adding to your already nightmarish situation.
    Do you have anyone to give you support? Because it is important to have people you can talk to. People on this site will be available for you to offer comforting words and compassion. Keep posting on here and reading other people’s stories, it is very helpful. I lost my husband to a massive heart attack 18 months ago. I found this site after 11 months and it has been helpful. We all have different stories but feel the same pain. It feels good to know you’re not alone.
    You have every right to feel angry and bitter, let the emotions out, let the tears fall, it’s all helpful.
    We’re here for you, to offer the best support we can.
    Robin
     
  3. Leniegirl

    Leniegirl Member

    Thank you so much Robin! I'm so sorry for the lost of your beloved husband! :( I do have a lot of support. I have support from friends but I have a large family and it seems all they have are questions and try to trip me up to see if I'm being honest about my feelings. Its is beyond disheartening! My sister who I was very close to said to me that I was too calm and would I be this calm if it were my other son who I am close to. When I told her how much it hurt for her to say that I love all 3 of my children equally no matter what, she said "you aren't the only one that lost him." As if anyone has the pain of a mother. I have since stopped talking to her period! I complained to my other sister that my other son is very grief stricken and has been distant and I haven't heard from him and that I told him he is very selfish! She responded why are you trying to make it seem like you are under the bed hysterical! She continued, you already lost one son you weren't talking to do you want to lose another! This sister usually communicates with me at least 4 times per week. She barely texts now. I always been there for her! I am appalled at how people are reacting to my loss. I am generally jovial person and do not want to be bitter but it's a struggle! Again, that you for responding and yes I'm very happy I found this site.
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you, losing my husband has been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and family and friends can be hurtful. Again, I am so very sorry! I’m glad to hear you do have friends that are available for you. I have a sister who since Ron passed has treated me terribly and I also have cut all ties with her. It was necessary as it is in your case too. You need to protect yourself sometimes.
    I don’t care what the circumstances were previously, you just lost a son. You hurt, you’re in pain and in mourning. I feel for you. And everyone mourns differently, just because you’re not as your sister put it, under the bed hysterical, doesn’t mean you’re not in pain. When the doctor came in to my daughter and I and said the they couldn’t save Ron, my daughter screamed and screamed and couldn’t stop. I was the complete opposite, I cried hysterically, but quietly, my head dropped and I felt dizzy, the doctor had to catch me. We’re all different. There’s no right or wrong.
    Again thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry your family isn’t offering support, keep posting on here and reaching out to your friends. A loss is a loss you deserve help and support.
    ❤️Robin
     
  5. Leniegirl

    Leniegirl Member

    Robin,
    Wow so sorry you are hurting! So sorry you sister has caused this separation. Added to my pain is I am an essential worker, so I been working through the pandemic. See grief is different for everyone. I grieve privately and only broke down at work a few times and I go to the restroom when I feel uncontrollable tears coming. This is to be considerate to my co-workers. The bottom line is to make a person let alone a mother feel guilty for being strong is outrageous and hurtful. I told one sister last night whomever doesn't give me pass right now forget them! My grief doesn't give me permission to mistreat nor do I intend to mistreat anyone. But if I accidentally act a certain way give me a break right now or forget you! Period! Cyber-hugs thanks for reading my post and my heart breaks for you and you daughter for the loss of your husband.
     
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Leniegirl,
    Thank you once again. It is painful to lose a family member, a close friend, who ever. I think for the most part people mean well but say hurtful things. They don’t understand the pain we’re going through. My sister however I believe had an agenda because she was being too caring, too nice. And then started judging, when I called her on it she refused to admit she was judging me. And it was 5 months after I lost my husband. She had moved to Florida a few years back, and hates it there but can’t afford to move back to NY I believe she wanted to move in with me on my dime. It’s been a year since she started treating me poorly, and I have plan to reach out to her any time soon. I need to protect myself. I told her I needed a break from her but we’ll be ok, and she told me I e been a horrible sister, etc. hence, the no communication.
    I can’t even imagine losing one of my children, I have my daughter who lives 15 minutes away, and my son who lives in Florida. I really don’t care what the relationship was going through, things change all the time. This was your son and you ache.
    I had to retire after my husband passed, we ran a business together, and we had already started planning to retire. Supposed to retire this year on my birthday. I had to empty and close our business. A difficult process that’s for sure. Lot of emotions, lot of memories. My children helped me and some family members. I’m thankful for that.
    I try not to cry around people too, I don’t want everyone to feel uncomfortable. My brother had a Labor Day bbq last year and he made it to celebrate my birthday too. They came out with a cake and sang happy birthday I lost it. I couldn’t help it. Ron always song to me, he always wanted to be the loudest, always made me laugh. But he was missing from the singing and made my heart ache. Our wedding anniversary is Thursday, not looking forward to that. My daughter and I plan to visit a park Ron and I went to while dating and have been back often. I’m glad she can be with me.
    I lost my husband 18 months ago, I still have difficult days or times, but I am further in the process, your loss is so recent. I’m sorry you have to work through all the things going on in our world today. In some ways it might be helpful and other ways feel like it’s too much. I do believe you’re a strong woman, but don’t hold too much in, it’s good to let the pain out.
    Be safe.
    Robin
     
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  7. Leniegirl

    Leniegirl Member

    Awww Happy Anniversary I mean what would have been. So sorry! Maybe in time you will celebrate your life together more than grieve his death. My mom passed one month from today (7/2) in 2007. I made a conscious decision to celebrate the hyphen portion of the headstone and not the death date. But she was sick for 7 years so I had time to prepare my mind for her death if that is possible, if you know what I mean. I could go on forever because so much has happened. It's like trying to process all of this and then trying to process unnecessary stuff. I think some things are just insensitive and to be honest. I think it bothers some that I am not falling apart. They always saw my caring, nurturing side as a weakness. As if cruelty was a sign of strength. It takes more effort to be kind! They did a zoom birthday party for my sister a few weeks ago, I reluctantly participated. Soon as we all hung up my phone, my phone rang it was my sister. She was examining me during the virtual party to see if I looked ok. I think it was genuine concern but if I looked ok just be grateful. It bothered me that despite what she thought, I was a mess but decided to participate anyway. It bothered me to think instead of enjoying the attention and effort we all made she was examining me. Then to see I looked fine was almost disappointing to her it seemed. It wasn't like she wanted me not to but it again raised eyebrows like am I truly grieving. I'm appalled!
     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. Tomorrow will be difficult that’s for sure, but I’m planning things that have meaning to each of us, things we’ve e done and enjoyed. The weather is looking promising so that’s a plus for walking about a park. It’s actually an arboretum, with beautiful flowers trees and plants and has walking trails. I’m in the process of making a memorial garden and I plan to add a nice plant tomorrow in honor of what would be our 43rd anniversary.
    I’m sorry your sister decided to read your looks, emotions etc instead of enjoying the birthday call. You made a gallant effort to help celebrate her birthday and got judged instead of thanked. Sucks! Family can be great and also make things difficult. Everyone grieves different and in there own time. My daughter and I couldn’t eat anything after Ron passed, we lost weight, my daughter has since put it back on but I haven’t. My son, he’s the opposite, when stressed he eats. He gained weight. Everyone is different. You try to be strong, while other people might cry a river. It doesn’t mean you’re not hurting. I hope you do let the emotions and tears out in the privacy of your own home. It does help.
     
  9. Leniegirl

    Leniegirl Member

    You must live in California! I do too! The would be a nice remembrance to add a plant and make your memorial garden! How cool! What hobbies did Ron have? I usually stress eat but now I hardly eat and don't sleep well. I needed to lose weight but not in an unhealthy manner. I don't suppress tears I just cry when I feel it. I laugh too! I have always been a happy person and refuse to lose my joy!
     
  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I actually live in NY. I’m on Long Island, lots of beaches, which Ron and I frequented often. The park I’m planning on visiting is a place we went to while dating, and have taken our children to many times. Seems like an appropriate place to visit. But I have RA in many joints and walking can be difficult. I’ll take my medicine and walk slow. They have plenty of benches around too.
    My sister in law keeps telling me how good I look and asks how much weight I’ve lost. Then says, I wish I could lose that much. I tell her every time, you don’t want to lose it this way. She agrees and then says it again the next time I see her. Ugh!
    I didn’t think you held your tears back but thought it important to mention. I’m glad you still have your joy that’s wonderful. I struggle with that. Sleep comes hard while hurting from the loss of a loved one. I’ve been using CBD oil, it helps me.
    It’s funny you mention what we’re his hobbies, I had that conversation the other day. When he talked about hobbies he’d say, Robin is my hobby! Being with Robin is my favorite thing to do. But he also loved movies so I might pick one of his movies to watch in the evening. Listen to some of his favorite music. He was a nature lover, I keep his bird feeder full for the birds. I enjoy it too but I feel I’m keeping the bird feeder full in Ron’s honor.
     
  11. Leniegirl

    Leniegirl Member

    Oh NY! Be careful out there folk are acting crazy! Awww how cute you are his hobby! I have 2 parakeets I love birds but mine make a lot of noise. People don't listen! You told her its not welcomed weight loss. Shaking my head! Are you a believer? I am and it helps me a lot to pray!
     
  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yeah, Ron said that often. We’ve been together so long. Met when I was 16 and Ron was 19, that was 46 years. I was 19 and Ron 21 when we got married. Once we met shortly there after we started seeing each every single day. We each knew we had found our soul mate we started a business that was very successful and worked together. We had other people in our lives but we were so happy to just be together. The two of us.
    Parakeets are beautiful and fun. Do yours talk? Ron sister has birds, I’m not sure of what kind but they talk a lot.
    Yeah NYC has had some bad protesting and riots. Where I live they’ve had peaceful protests, nothing bad so far. Thankfully.
    I almost want to say to the sister in law on weight, if something happens to my brother I bet you’d lose weight too. But I hold my tongue.
    I do believe, I pray often. And I believe e Ron is with me not only in my heart but watches over me. And I’ve gotten messages from him. Some people think that’s cray talk but he told me where my credit card was thag had been missing for days.
    The power of prayer has helped me a lot too.
     
  13. Leniegirl

    Leniegirl Member

    Sweet! What a love story Robin. What do you do to occupy your time. Are you retired? Sorry if you told me already my mind is slow now. I met my ex at 15 and he was 17, we were together 28 years but he chased skirts so I held on long as I could but we were from "opposite sides of the tracks" as they say. I don't think we were ever meant to be together. I don't think it is cray at all that you get messages and I've had paranormal experiences as well with deceased loved ones. I do talk to my mother and my son but I prefer if they don't talk back. I usually hear my mother still giving advice but it's not audible. I have no desire for loved ones to visit or be around once they are deceased. I'm a fraidy cat! Yet I've been holding my tongue so long that I've just decided to just stay to myself for a while. People are so irritating and I don't have much tolerance right about now.
     
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you! We always felt our story should be a book or something. Where we met how, and our house, it was all meant to be. Ron used to tell me he wanted to go on our roof and yell I love Robin. Thankfully he never did that. But on the night he passed, while waiting to get rolled into the ambulance, he was in the driveway. And he started yelling I love you Robin! He yelled that at least 5 times. So loving of him, I didn’t answer him though. Which I have guilt about. Neighbors told me they heard him. Our house is on the corner we first saw each other.
    You should welcome loved ones visiting, it’s actually a beautiful wonderful feeling. It’s not scary at all.
    Yes, I’m retired since the day Ron passed, we were set to retire this year and travel and had a list of house projects. Right now I’m maintaining our yard, it’s a constant job. It’s actually more then I handle but I try. I work and move slow because of RA, but I enjoy being outside and yard work. And plenty to work on on our home. I’m plenty busy, but motivation isn’t always there, since Ron passed. There was a time I felt I had no purpose but my kids stepped in and said they need me, I have a dog who is wearing a splint right now And I need to make Ron proud of me daily. He’s my inspiration.
    I understand your thinking, giving yourself space. Sometimes you need that after such. Loss.
    Take care
     
  15. Leniegirl

    Leniegirl Member

    Happy Anniversary! What a sweet love story it "almost" restores my faith in men! Just kidding. Nothing will! Just kidding again!
    I pray you celebrate Ron today and that you have happy tears! There is a famous quote I love, "Better to have loved and lost than to
    never have loved at all!" I pray your doggie is better! Try to have a good day my cyber-friend!
     
  16. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you! It was an emotional day for sure. W do have a sweet love story. We actually have the same initials. Every anniversary Ron would kiss me at 11am, the time of our wedding. We started celebrating by planning a vacation every year for our anniversary. I saw on his phone he was searching for a cruise for us to go on for our anniversary. Some of my family members sent me texts with memories from our wedding day. That was so nice of them. Cried reading them. But I expected a lot of tears today.
    My dog (Ted) has had a splint for 7 weeks. 2 weeks to go. It’s tiring, can’t get set needs to stay clean, he can’t jump. He’s sick of it.
    I agree on the saying, better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. Just lost him way too soon. But then it would always be way too soon.
    Hope you had a good day!