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Sudden Loss of Mom

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by AllisonD94, May 14, 2021.

  1. AllisonD94

    AllisonD94 Member

    I suddenly lost my mom on March 22nd. I didn't know she was even sick. Her speech was slurred the night she passed, said things that didn't make sense, and had a stuffy nose, but I didn't know anything was wrong. I didn't expect her to pass. I was there when she passed, she looked over at me, and said "I'm here I'm fine" when I asked if she was okay, I told her I didn't want anything to happen to her because I was really worried about her. She kept saying "I'm here, I'm fine" until she passed in her sleep. It's really starting to affect me. I have nightmares of that night, trying to wake her up, shake her, but she's gone. She's really gone. I called 911, my dad gave her CPR, but she was gone. Paramedics tried to revive her, but she was gone. It took them so so long to get to the house, so I knew they couldn't really help. They didn't let us say goodbye. They shoved us out of our own home, so they could take her out to the ambulance. 8 hours after she passed, I had to look at urns and sign a death certificate. This is all so so hard on me. I feel like my grief is growing, getting harder to handle, and I don't know what to do anymore. I just want my mom. And she's gone. She was the one who loved me most in the world, the one I would do anything for.
     
  2. PaxVobiscum

    PaxVobiscum Member

    I am so sorry for your loss Allison. I know this is really hard. You are taking a positive step by sharing how you are feeling with others who understand the emotions and grief that come with the loss of a loved one. I lost my wife of 37 years in December and the sorrow and grief were beyond words. I am still suffering, but it is not as bad as the first 3 months after she passed. It was worse for me after the first month had gone by, which is about where you are now. It helped me to share and talk about it with friends, grief counseling, and others who are grieving on this Grief in Common site. The online support programs that are offered on this site are very good too and I recommend you check into that when you feel up to it. The counselor that facilitates the Tuesday 7PM meeting is very good. If you are employed, your employer may offer grief counseling services through an Employee Assistance Program. Many employers offer that, but people forget it is there. Mine offers it, but I am using the grief counseling through this site, my church, and a site that is focused specifically on people who have lost their spouses. If you go to Meetup.com and put in "grief" and search for your city, you may find several grief counseling resources there too. I I've in a large metropolitan area and there are several meetup groups that are listed when I do that search. I really encourage you to try to talk with a grief counselor or attend a group grief counseling meeting to help you find ways to deal with all you are going through. It has helped me a lot. I know it is hard, but hang on to the hope that the grief will become more tolerable eventually. A counselor recently encouraged me to use phrases like "today I feel such and such a way", emphasizing that this is the way I feel today which doesn't mean it is going to be the way I"m going to feel the rest of my life. It is easy to start feeling like the way we feel right now is the way it is going to be forever, but we need to remind ourselves that how we feel today only applies to our current state and we can't know how we will feel a week, a month, or a year from now. I hope something I said here is of some help to you.
     
  3. Southpaw

    Southpaw New Member

    Hi Allison: I'm so sorry for your loss and share your grief. My mother passed on 4/25 of CHF after 5 days in hospice. On day 1, we spoke, but after that, she was pretty much out of it, being kept comfortable. I understand your difficulty, having to do everything you described above. Any change in this arena is very big, frightening and upsetting (I have to move at some point but don't want to, which is huge for me...this is my home).

    Please know there are people here to support you. I didn't even get any support from a few close friends, which is very hurtful...not even a card. I hope you can find peace and comfort with your memories as you work through your journey.
     
  4. KrisCarn

    KrisCarn New Member

    Allison,

    I’m so so so sorry that you’re part of this horrible, horrible club. I lost my mom December 30th suddenly as well. She made dinner, we watched Jeopardy and a little part of a movie then went to bed. She said she felt really tired/exhausted and needed to go to bed early. It was normal for her to say she felt tired because she never sat down and would go and go and go all day long. She beat cancer last year and we thought that also contributed to her being tired. Also that day she got test results or a PET scan back to make sure she was still in remission. The doctor gave her a PERECT bill of health and she was elated and relieved. You could see the weight lifted off her shoulders and she was truly glowing. We went to bed and the next morning my dad woke up and found her. I’ve been staying at my parents during COVID so I heard him yelling and ran in as fast as I could only to find her totally gone. It was a true nightmare come true. I always feared finding my mom dead in her bed since I was a child. Since losing her, I feel like I’ve been living in a nightmare. My mother did everything right. She ate very healthy, never drank, exercised daily. The cruel and sudden nature of this has given me so many nightmares too. In them I’m trying to save her or she’s a spirit floating around I’m trying to catch. I have nightmares that are worse than that but they’re not very fun to type out. My mom was the only person on earth who truly got me and her and I were soulmates. I’m heartbroken in a way that I can’t describe. So just know you’re not alone. If you ever want someone to chat with online, I’m around. So far in these past 4 1/2 months I’ve found that one of the only thing that helps is talking to people who truly understand the legitimate TRAUMA of a sudden loss. It feels like PTSD and I’m looking into therapy for it. Again, feel free to reach out if you need someone to commiserate with. You can find me on Instagram @KrisCarn so you can see I’m not a weirdo (or at least that I’m aware of).

    Much love and healing as much as possible to you. Look for signs that she is with you. They will be there.

    xx
    Kristen
     
  5. JesseCathrine

    JesseCathrine Member

    Hi Allison, I lost my mom September 2nd, 2020. Mine was also a sudden loss. I will be posting something up sometime soon to share my experiences, as well. I also want you to know I'm here if you want to talk. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep going and it's about 9 months for me. I'm just hoping that finding others to talk with, who have also been through the trauma of losing a parent/loved one suddenly, will help more. Please reach out if you need to.
     
  6. KJ4catz

    KJ4catz New Member

    Hi all, I want to thank each one of you for sharing your own pain, starting with Allison's story. I lost my mom on Feb. 19.

    Although my mom had been dealing with health issues, her death was sudden. No doctor ever said anything about her death being imminent. My mom had lupus, and had lived with the disease for most of her life. She and my dad moved out of my childhood home in June 2019; they moved to a beautiful 3-bedroom apartment that's close to my town. The stress of that move--and it was a very stressful one--must've triggered something within my mom's body. Stress is very bad for people with lupus. Long story short, she developed an adenovirus that blossomed into pneumonia. That pneumonia hung on and on. The antibiotic tablets helped at first, but her body reached a point at which it couldn't fight infection anymore. On Feb. 11, she was taken to the hospital with shortness of breath. One week later, she passed.

    My mom was a rock in my life, and that one person who I could lean on for anything. I truly had a special connection with her.

    My friends offered amazing support at first, especially my best friend. However, now that some time has passed, I'm noticing a difference in my support system. I don't feel as connected to my best friend lately. We used to talk to each other every day. We're a bit more distant from each other, and we've been talking less. Other friends stopped checking in. I would say that one or two have been good about keeping connected, but not consistently.

    I'm in grief counseling right now, and I highly recommend it. I'm reading some amazing books about grief. Here's one that I just finished: "Grief Is a Journey," by Ken Doka. My hobbies have been very healing, too. I love spending time in nature. But still, there's a VOID. I'm always aware that something is missing, even when I "seem" OK.

    Please feel free to share with me at any time. It's comforting to know that others out there are feeling this pain.

    Peace,
    Kristin
     
    KateIsNotOkay likes this.
  7. Freebrd30

    Freebrd30 New Member

    I'm so sorry for everyone's loss! My mom passed suddenly on December 4th, 2019. I live about 18 hours away, so I wasn't there when she passed. By the time I got there my siblings and my dad had turned her body over to the funeral home for cremation. I never got to see her again. My heart is so broken. She was the glue that held our family together. I just don't know how to get over the loss and pain. We haven't been back there since her funeral. We were supposed to go up there next week, but we canceled our trip. I don't want to be there when she isn't.
     
  8. PaulaM

    PaulaM New Member

    HI Allison. I am so sorry about your Mom. I lost my Mom last Wednesday. I am beyond devastated. I am also overwhelmed as I am planning everything because my only sibling lives in Florida and his MIL died less than 36 hours after our Mom. He literally flew from Florida, said good-bye to our Mom and then turned around and got back on a plane back to Florida. I am trying to find a ZOOM grief chat - this website was recommended but it's not real time :( The love of my life died in 2011; my sister died in 2013, I lost my best friend of 40 years in 2014, and my good friend died in 2017. In 2018, my son almost lost me twice within 3 weeks after two devastating incidents. I don't know how I have hung on. My first reaction was that I wanted to join my sister and my Mom but I know the pain of being left behind and I can not not do that to my beloved son so now I am compartmentalizing and trying to get the necessary things done to honor my Mom properly. My heart is broken. I kept voice mails from my Mom because I knew this day would come at some point -- even though I thought I had more time with her - so at least I have her voice to listen to when I go down the rabbit hole (a place I have been hiding these past five days. I have no words of advice because I know this horrific pain all too well - and it doesn't matter whether it's recent or months ago or years ago - it just never goes away.
     
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  9. RiseByLifting

    RiseByLifting New Member

    I am so sorry for everyone's sudden loss. My mom passed on January 2nd, and I had talked to her on the phone a few days earlier about the cable log-in and that's the last time we spoke. There was no inkling on my end this was coming at all. She had just lost a lot of weight in order to prepare for a hernia surgery that wasn't urgent and kept talking about how good she felt over our zoom Christmas. I hadn't even kept voice mails because I never saw this coming. My heart just keeps breaking over and over again knowing I'll never hear from her again.
     
    KateIsNotOkay likes this.
  10. Catrina

    Catrina Member

    My heart goes out to you, Allison. I lost my mom Dec 2 2020. And it still is so painful. Today is a particular bad day. I was thinking the same thing "I lost the person who loved me the most" and "who I loved the most" Your mom sounded like she had a stroke "slurred speech". My mom told me also over the phone "you dont have to come over" and later also died in her sleep 3 hours with the aide there. I always regretted not rushing over to her house but I was at work and I thought I would come over later that evening. But my sister went over
     
  11. Catrina

    Catrina Member

    Hugs to you too-Kristin
    I also feel the huge void in my life too
    For some reason, I dont want to talk to friends either-like you
     
  12. Catrina

    Catrina Member

    I also dont go to downtown manhattan area where my mother lived. Even though I used to shop there constantly and thought I would continue so. I am also having a difficult time getting over the loss and pain
     
  13. Catrina

    Catrina Member

    h
    Paula, I am also afraid my pain will never go away and yet all parents and moms die eventually-dont they? The only way it would not happen if the child dies before the mother and I am so grateful my mother never had to outlive her children. This is so recent for you. I understand wanting to follow your sister and your mother. You have your son. You kinda have to now go thru the "mechanical" things of laying your mom to rest and honoring her
     
  14. Catrina

    Catrina Member

    Always remembering our last words to our Moms.