Sudden and unexpected

Lou,

I just read your message to Gary. I'm going to check out this book too.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti, Karen, Lou, Gary, George, Robin, and everyone else who might read this,

I'm checking out for the evening. I'm physically and emotionally drained. This grieving thing really SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

Hope everyone manages to get some quality sleep.

I hope tomorrow everyone as at least one, but hopefully more than one reason to laugh your sad off!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

And quality of sleep for you too and for all of us. What helps, if you're up at night, is short naps during the day, it really perks you up for a time. But only for a very short time, then Mr. Grief decides to say hi, tissues.

I think I mentioned, last Nov when Jack died on the 4th, I was visited by a little bird on a branch in front of my, used to be our, front room window. That little bird was Jack, it would come every day approx 10AM and sit on the same branch looking into the window. No other birds were there. I would sit on my rocking chair every morning with my coffee waiting for Jackbird to come and he did for the longest time. Then one day he was gone. I weeped, wanting him back, but I knew it was time for him to go. Jack absolutely loved birds. I always teased him that I'll bet you will come back as a bird. Good night, K

 

Deb, I was about to get under the blanket,
on this cold night, with my Reader's
Digest, which is taking me forever to read
bc I'm sleepy after all the walking in the
cold air. I wasn't up to the blustery wind
on the Neck, so I walked home in my
scary Unibomber hoodie , & ate supper
at home. Will see S&B in the am, before
check out at Rockport cottage. Then, they
stay for 8 nights at a Gloucester retreat.
Back to Rockport, Thurs -Sat, & hope to
go to Shack with me one of those nights.
They return to Pa. on Sun ( Halloween).
I told them that was a good time, bc the
Neck sadly closes down that day, for the
season. I'm trying not to dread the long,
dark nights of winter, as I told Gary, who
dreads it. I will take the bus to the more
lively Gloucester, so I don't fall into a
deep, lonely depression. You made me cry
when you said the love Linda & I had for
each other, withstood extremely hard
times, starting with 9/11, when we were
heading for a vacation in Canada, & saw
the horrific news on a TV in our room in
a New Hampshire inn. Something in me
snapped, and I was paranoid. Then, Linda
had endometrial cancer in 2003, and I was
scared she would die. Our money ran low,
& we hit the road, living in our car. I told
this story to S&B this morning, and they
were do compassionate. I know now that
our downward spiral was not all my fault.
There is a powerful scene in the movie,
"Good Will Hunting", which made Linda &
me cry. Robin Williams, as the wise, older
widower, tells a troubled young Matt Damon, "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!". Matt's
character, who tries to act tough, even
mean, dissolves in tears. When you told
the jury duty story, Deb, I was so proud of
you & happy that your honesty brought
on compassion, the way it should. The
yellow butterfly moved me to tears, that
Bob was with you. I'm so glad you
remembered most of what your "book"
said. I've been so anxious to write down
my thoughts, that my writing is filled
with embarrassing typos, like "thongs"!0
Glad you were able to laugh your "sad"
off, Deb! Lou

 

Karen, your story about "Jackbird" is so
moving & real, like Deb's story about the
yellow butterfly being Bob, watching
over her. The only thing comparable for
me is a widow's French Bulldog. Right
after Linda died, I sat with the widow
on her bench in front of her store,with the
dog between us.The window's husband
died a month after Linda died.At first,
we were too broken to talk about our
spouses, Gradually, the dog made us
laugh, bc he was so friendly, never
barked, to both locals & tourists. Linda
loved dogs, but didn't have one growing
up, bc her mother hated them. I couldn't
have one, bc of allergies. I've outgrown
the allergies, and this dog has become
like a service dog for me. He looks at me,
as if to see if I'm OK. I massage his back,
which he loves, but which also brings me
a calmness. He is medicine for my wounded soul. Sorry for my sloppy typo
( seems to be my trademark) : The widow's
husband, not "window's". Duh. Lou

 

Deb, woke up---wide awake-----from intense dream I can't remember. 1st
cold night, so I'm drinking BIGELOW
herbal, no caffeine, Sweet Dreams tea, having a snack, until I'm sleepy. I like
getting on here & reading replies from you
& others, after I went to bed early. I love
recommending books to this group, bc
that's what my 1st grief counselor did for
me. It also taps into my favorite aspects
of working in a bookstore, and suggesting
books to customers. It was gratifying whe0
the same customers would return to thank
me. Hope you like Winter Blues, & perhaps
Gary will also. Your signature phrases
( and you know what they are!!) make me
laugh. It calls to mind Laurel & Hardy
( "Another fine mess") , or Wayne's
World ( "NOT!" and "WAY!"), I Love Lucy
( " Honey, I'm home!"), and the classic
Johnny Carson intro. by Ed McMahon,
("Here's Johnny!!"). That last line was so
famous that it was used, to chilling effect,
by a murderous, ax wielding Jack
Nicholson character. It made the audience
laugh & get scared at the same time. Just
remembered " an offer he couldn't refuse"
and " it's not personal, it's business" ,
right before somebody got "whacked"
( killed) in The Godfather. Thought you
& Karen and the others, would enjoy
the cultural distraction from our
unrelenting mourning.......... Lou

 

Your line, Gary, about encouraging a person in worst shape than you are, and
getting out of your own head , is key, and
a big step forward. If you can meet your
uncle, that will be an even bigger step,
and you can pat yourself on the back later.
As I've said to you before, the voluntary
5 night stay in a psychiatric unit, with 8
other clients, in their individual bedrooms
was a beginning for me. I went in there,
broken, scared, and very much alone.
When I walked out of my room, without
sleeping, early on Thanksgiving Day, an
older, lonely & depressed woman came out of her room, made coffee, sat at a table, drank coffee together & talked
about ourselves. We were joined by others
later. Some had manic depression, some
had anger management issues, some had
deep loneliness on this family holiday
( and had no family, like me), and some
had alcohol and/ or drug addictions. I
listened & helped a couple addicted to
heroin, who had been homeless like
Linda & I was. When Linda died, this
couple returned the favor & came to
Linda's small, private funeral ( Linda
had requested that I not send her obit to
our local newspaper. If this couple hadn't
shown up, I would've been alone with
the funeral director and minister. When
I had been discharged from the psych.
unit, I had to return to my lonely room
at the winter motel. In the spring, I was
told by management that I would have to
move out, to make room for the summer
tourists. I was scared, didn't want to move,
but knew I had no choice. I forced myself,
in March, 2019, just 4 months after Linda's
death to speak to a manager/ waitress of
a coffee shop I'd frequented when Linda
was in the rehab unit. One day, I had to
tell this woman the horrible news that
Linda died, and I wanted to move to her
small town. I gave my phone number at
the motel, and asked her to call me if &
when a landlord came in, looking to rent
to a tenant. God answered my prayers,
bc my future, and present landlady came
in later that day, and called me the next
day. I met her at the apartment. very sad,
and nervous about making decisions without Linda. I told the landlady that, &
she was kind & patient. I had to think
quickly what was a top priority for me.
When Linda & I used to look at different
apartments together, we would divide &
conquer. She would check out the different rooms, and I would go straight to
the windows, to make sure they could
open properly, and had good shades. Then,
I would look out the window to check
the surroundings, see if there was
anything noisy in the neighborhood. I did
the same thing, without Linda. I requested
new, modern windows & Venetian blinds.
My friend Kim, who I had met when Linda
was in the rehab unit, helped me move my
clothes & other small stuff into the
apartment, with her 11 year old son. Kim also drove me to a place where so could
donate Linda's clean winter coat, & other
items I didn't want. This place would then
sell these items to go to a fund, which
would help the poor, & the homeless
people, in our community . Linda would've
wanted that & would've been proud of me.
After settling into my new apartment, I
walked into the local Shack. I was nervous
about my Celiac Disease, and asked for a
hot dog WITHOUT roll ( gluten). The
bartender told me had been diagnosed with Celiac years before. and put me at
ease. I started going out to that bar & to
other places every night, to get out of
my apartment & meet people. Jonathan
Santlofer describes doing the same thing,
bc he couldn't bear to be alone in his
NYC loft. Another reason, I'm looking
forward to your reading his The Widower's Notebook. I hope your fear
in anticipation of seeing your uncle, will
disappear as soon as you meet him. Keep
us posted, Gary. Lou

 

To the GIC Crew! Ha Like that Zounds hip and Kool! !

There is no set time limit or certain way to handle grief, I think too. I think we do the best we possibly can thatz why we need to be extra kind to ourselves and others. Positivity attracts positivity , just like anger attracts anger...

I hope everyone does well today, or as well as possible doing your best! As it will. I have a big stressful (NO! Really!) day ahead with deep clean scheduled for house... So sick of endless house "blummerey". I found my (already packed journals) when Valerie was dying. It is interesting to read through it 8 months later. Today is 8 Months! S__T....
Heavy poems about her dying... powerful stuff I kinda forgot I wrote. Did second churchly Grief Group It was so nice and friendly and positive... just what I needed. Actually talked to people... weird for me! Hope toi get on line more later. Happy Wednesday GIC Krewe!

 

Hi Lou,
Lou, your postings, as others here , lift my spirit, when you
and others speak of their husband or wife,sharing
how special each one is, sharing of your love for one
another, my heart feels all that we all are going through.
We shall get through this.
Jack lives in my heart each and everyday, I have
experienced signs from him since he passed, of which
I shared on another thread here. Was wondering if
you are others have experienced a sign from your loved one.
I was 54 when Jack was diagnosed, those next 24 long years
were rapid downhill progression of the disease.
He had always looked forward to enjoying when
it would come time to retire,instead was forced to take
early retirement due to PD. I am constantly working harder
to release my mind from the grueling suffering he
endured. Thanks to You, Deb and others here has
helped me to open up and talk freely. I realize how
important it is to do this in order to get beyond the
now , to find contentment. Back then Jack and I
always referred to any negative thinking on our part
as "STINKIN THINKIN" then we would say," enough
of that STINKIN THINKIN and smile. "
Thanks to all for sharing openly , you all have
helped me.
Blessings. Patti

 

Lou, you have so many stories to tell us, so many experiences --I call it, "Lou's book of short stories." Jack's cat, Rambo, now 15 is not feeling well. So, off to the vet tomorrow. Pet's are our family. Rambo fills the void in this house and I can't lose him now, but I know he's old and losing weight and someday day he will be gone. He was bonded to Jack, I think he liked Jack's beard white and gray just like Rambo white and gray. He gets me up in the morning, keeps me company on my lap while watching TV, he's my everything now and I'm blessed to have him. Like you said, "he's medicine for my wounded soul." Also brings me calmness.

I saw your typo, but wasn't going to comment, I didn't want to make you feel bad. But, it did give me a little giggle.

Expecting rain and snow in the higher elevation, not enough to cure our drought, but hoping it will help poor Calif.

Hoping your day is good, Karen

 

GIC Crew: Lou, Karen, Patti, George, Gary, and everyone else who might read this,

Getting here really late today, but want to let you know I didn't fall off the face of the earth. It's an (almost) migraine day... Will be back later (hopefully), or at least by tomorrow.

Thinking of you, hoping everyone has at least one reason to laugh your sad off today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Ms Understatement, so sorry about your migraines. I've never had them, but my Mom did and she was down on the couch all day. Did the doctor give you anything that may help other than ibuprofen? Is this a symptom of grief? Why I ask, I've had dizzy spells since Jack passed that just started, I know it's grief's stress. No need to respond just rest. K

 

Thank you for your kind recognition
of "Lou's short stories". I was always
drawn to the short stories of our local
writer, the late John Updike, the Best
American Short Stories, which came
out yearly, & the simplicity & sadness of
Hemingway's short stories. I was shocked
and saddened when he took his own life.
I learned later that he had been in the
hospital, for manic depression, but had a
lifetime of drinking, fighting, and
womanizing. As did my "friend", Frank
Sinatra, who, I believe deep down was a
lonely man. His favorite song was not
the overused "My Way", but "One for
my baby", when he sits at a bar, alone,
talking to the bartender, who's closing up
for the night. But, having manic depression, myself, I digress.......! So sorry
Rambo is so old. I wonder if you'll get
another pet when he dies. Glad you, Deb,
Gary & George get a kick out of my typos.
My thoughts race ahead of my slow
fingers. Laugh my "sad" off , has caught on! Lou

 

Karen, I forget whether you got The
Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer. I think you'd get a lot
out of it, like Deb & I did. Gary ordered
it, but hasn't read it yet. One of his chapters deals with his scary accident
prone incidents. as well as horrible,
blinding migraines. George really likes
the book, too. We could form an informal
book club! Lou

 

Deb, I HATE that you have migraines.
As I told Karen, Jonathan has a whole
chapter on his scary, blinding migraines
and accident prone incidents, due to
his "foggy" widower's brain. I think she
would get a lot out of the book , like we
did. Hope you can walk outside later. Lou

 

Patti, your STINKIN THINKIN comment
made me chuckle. There was a little
known movie, "Stuart Saves His Family",
starring Al Franken, as Stuart Smalley,
a pathetic, self hating man , on a 12 step
program. He tries to "save" his parents,
brother & sister, who are disfunctional,
don't want to be saved. A woman friend
tells hum to stop his STINKIN THINKIN.
Stuart's character originated on Saturday
Night Live, back when it was funny, and
not political! Lou

 

Karen, today's Center for Loss quote, which I received today ( !) to my email
address, said there's no "deadline" on
grief. I told Karyn Arnold about Center
for Loss & its' daily quotes on grief, &
she thought the site was wonderful. Lou

 

Deb I’m sorry you have migraines too. George is an excellent role model by showing us how to endure physical pain and keep bouncing back. George i’m glad you re-discovered your poetry skills. Patti i’m glad Rambo is doing good today. Karen thanks for the Jack bird story. On the morning of Cheryl‘s death a mourning dove cooed loudly outside my bedroom window. This went on for several days. On the day of Cheryl‘s memorial the dove perched on the window sill of my bedroom. I even took a picture of it there. The cooing only lasted a couple more days and then it stopped. The religions who believe in reincarnation say the human soul goes into the body of a butterfly or bird and then Progress through higher animal forms until becoming a raptor. These raptors soar high into the sky until what the native Americans refer to as Specking out (entering into the afterlife). I choose love instead of fear and had a really good time talking with my uncle today at the coffee shop. I was trying to think back to 1980 while both worked in Trinidad as to which one of us screwed the other over more. I stole his maid and he stole my bonus check. I Followed Lou’s lead and let a bunch of grief out at the very beginning. The first 15 minutes were awkward but after two hours I found myself not wanting to leave him. I gave him my theory about forming relationships in the afterlife. I Told him my theory was everybody loves everybody there. He said that’s great I have five ex-wives and a bunch of kids who are going to love me to death. We both laughed nonstop for about five minutes. I explained to him how we had just laughed our sad off. And that it was therapeutic which started another cycle of LMSO. I told my uncle that I know the man who invented this. I can’t imagine missing this reunion because of fear. thank God love one out this time. Peace. Gary

 

George, as I told Karen, I received a
quote today that grief has no. "deadline".
I get daily quotes on grief from Center for
Loss, via email, to my email address. I told Karyn Arnold about it, & she thought it
was a wonderful site. I suggested it to
Deb, and she likes it, too. Have I steered
you wrong about my book suggestions?!!
Lou