Stuck in grief

I have been in this grief stage for a long time now, feels like forever . It will be 5 years for me on February 24th, 2019. That is the day that my entire world crashed around me. Although we never married officially, I was with the love of my life, my soul mate, for 18 years. His name was Scott. We have a son together, who was 16 when his dad passed. He also raised my other son with me, who was 5 when we got together. At the time of his death, were in a very bad place in our relationship. Without really going into detail about that, this adds to the great amount of guilt I deal with. The night before Scott would have turned 44 years old, he stepped off the sidewalk and was hit by a UPS truck. They say he died ALMOST instantly. I have tried to deal with the loss of this man, the man who was my very best friend, the man who I've known since I was 16 years old, but it will not go away. I have even been in another long term relationship, which recently ended, since he passed. Still, I can not move on. He is my 1st thought when I awake from night terrors every morning, he is my last thought before I go to sleep, usually crying. I talk to him alot, as if he's still here with me. I just miss him so very much and ALWAYS will. This is my 1st attempt to tell my story, to reach out, in the hope that someone can understand the tremendous amount of pain I am in. The relationship I just left was NOT conducive to my healing. It was actually the opposite. I think I was so scared to be alone that I went into that relationship way too quickly and never allowed myself to deal with the grief. That is what I am trying to do now. If you read all of this, thank you for your time. I just feel I need to get some of these feelings out

 

Angel I will start with I love you. I love all of us who struggle to cope. A UPS truck I had to cringe on that one. I was at a friends in home music event. The performer was talking about loss in relation to years. In his story a year was a circle and he had done three of them. Then he said it was not the circumference of the circle or 360 degrees it was only the three circles staked that marked his progress. Hearing this I thought Oh Shit, three years and only that small amount of distance. I could not imagine this pain not getting better and three years? You have tried #2 relationship. Not even imaginable for me. Angel yes please tell us every thing you need to say. Of course we will hear you. What little sanity I have has come from conversations. Some times about " it". Some times any else is better just to escape the subject. Being in the presence of healthy caring people is so welcome. Hope you have those healing day's.

 

I am so so sorry, I am stuck too, it will be 4 years in June. I had a great life with my husband of 26yrs, I have a wonderful family with 3 wonderful sons. I don't know how to move forward. I cant find the happy person I use to be. I am here reaching out, like you are.