I lost my dad January 4th 2017. Now, March 15th 2020 I lost my mom. She was my best friend, the one I went to for everything. I called her for everything. We called each other during tv shows to talk about it. She was the actual rock of our family. She had a lung condition that made it hard for her to do anything and she was fighting depression. One day she went into the hospital because she was finding it hard to breathe. She was put on a respirator and 2 days later she made the hard decision to leave us. She couldn't take being on the machine and struggling with pain and didn't want to go on like that. I find myself thinking about those couple days too much, reliving each moment, each word she wrote, each feeling I had, all of it. It still puts my stomach in knots and feels like it might consume me. I'm still so sad. I try to change my thoughts when it's getting too much but its not always that easy. I walk past her house she rented every morning on my way to work and get a huge wave of emotions. I try to breathe through it and most of the time it works and I can get through my day to day. There isn't a single day I'm not thinking about her. With these first holidays without her coming closer its getting harder. I'm trying to keep my family together the best I can and trying to make this as good and light a holiday season as I can. Being the oldest of her kids I feel a sense of responsibility. To be strong for them, to hold it and us together, to basically step into her shoes as matriarch. Its a lot sometimes. There are so many times I want to pick up the phone and call her to get advice or to hear her voice. Right now it doesn't feel like this will ever get better. But I'm hopeful. I just remind myself she may be watching and I refuse to let her, or myself down.