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Struggling with memorial party

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by LinF, May 9, 2021.

  1. LinF

    LinF Member

    My darling husband died in April. We are not religious people, but he did request a big party instead of a traditional funeral. His mom had a memorial 2 weeks after his death with a short religious service (which he would have not wanted) but I wanted to respect her wishes and kept my mouth shut. I hope it made her feel better, I know it must be awful to survive a child. I am planning a memorial here in my town, where he lived and worked for the 20 years we were together.
    I have a tentative date for the last weekend in June, but now I am rethinking it. I am still struggling emotionally. Half the time I have to remind myself that he's really gone. I cry randomly throughout the day and nights are torture. I avoid leaving the house except when absolutely necessary and rarely go out for anything social (Mother's Day, birthdays, etc.). Just putting my concerns into words is upsetting. Should I hold off on the party until I am better equipped to deal with the emotions that are likely to surface (September, October?), or am I just kidding myself that it will get any easier? What has been your experiences with hosting a memorial months after the death of a loved one?
    I also fear that having the memorial will signal of turning the page to move on, which will never happen. I am trying to move FORWARD, but I will never move on. I will love this man with everything I have until the day I die and beyond. Any thoughts would be appreciated, I am a hot mess right now....
  2. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    From what you are feeling I'm sensing you are not comfortable to have it now. There is no time limit for a memorial.

    My husband died last Nov and due to the Covid we were not able to have a memorial, so it's been scheduled in late August and that is still too soon for me, but I need to do this for his children and friends. So, that puts it 9 months for the memorial. Maybe it will be a closure for the family, but not for me.

    That's funny, I though I was the only one who didn't want to leave the house unless necessary and no social if I can help it.

    Wait until you are better equipped, too soon. Just my opinion. It's your decision.
  3. Ladyjane

    Ladyjane Member

    Hi I'm another one that hates leaving the house so you've made me feel better. If I was you I'd postpone the memorial if your not ready. You don't have to fit into anyone else's time frame of where u should be at. My hubby passed 6 months ago and it feels so raw still. Please be kind to yourself this is a huge loss. It's hard to find a way in this strange new frightening world without your person. It's just shit.
  4. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    You know I will never be ready for a memorial. Maybe I'm a coward. The kids are camping late August and want to have it at our favorite lake that we've been going to since 1984. So, since all the kids will be camping coming from hours away it's only right to give them their closure. Anyway, I know, Jack, my husband would want it. So, I will go with my daughter and I can leave anytime. Let's see I have 3 months, maybe I'll be in a better frame of mind.

    This is the most horrid devastating time I've ever experienced. It's still, at many times, unreal. I do feel a little bit better knowing I'm not the only one who hates leaving the house. I was getting worried, but now I know it's part of this awful journey we have to go through.

    Another day to get through and my thoughts will be with everyone on this forum hoping we all can take one day at a time and wake up knowing we're still alive and must live until we join our love one in our Creator's Paradise. God Bless.
  5. LinF

    LinF Member

    I boxed up all the photos I had framed for the memorial his mom had in April. I thought I could do this sooner, but if I have it in June I won't be able to handle it. They were just collecting dust on the table, waiting for the memorial to happen, and brought me to tears when I saw them, so maybe putting them aside for safe keeping will help. Calling the tentative venue with apologies today, I'll try again in a couple of months to book it for autumn. Our anniversary is in October, it was our favorite time of year, hopefully I'll be in a better place emotionally by then. Thanks to everyone for the input, it helps to get perspective from others. I've never been in so much pain in my life, and I need all the help I can get...
  6. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I think your decision for fall is a good one since it's a special month for you and him. It does give you time that you need emotionally. Since there was a memorial in April I definitely would wait until fall. June too soon.

    I'm dreading this but I decided to get out pictures and do a collage on a large poster. I'm taking him with me to the memorial in his walnut box with his favorite hat. Everyone wants to toast with whisky to celebrate his life. He liked a little shot of whisky at times.

    This will be the last time I visit the lake. Too many memories I just can't relive. I told Jack's daughter I'm not sure I can do this. She said she will do the celebration and do the invitation, food, speeches, etc. This is my second marriage of 39 years. Jack has three grown kids I have, now, two grown--my other son died in 2019 just a year and half before Jack died, double whammy. I hurt. We all need help and I feel this forum has helped me to know I'm not alone and that means a lot. I hope it has helped you too.
    LinF likes this.
  7. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    One thing that is keeping me sane so far, I had to have something close to me from him. So, I took his wedding ring and had it sized to my finger. I feel so close to him wearing it. Also, he gave me a locket many years ago. I dug it out of the jewelry box and put his picture in it. Another closeness for me. It's helping.
  8. LinF

    LinF Member

    I bought a chain and wear his wedding ring around my neck. I sleep in his tee shirt and keep one of his favorite flannel shirts in the bed while I sleep. It might seem weird, but it all gives me some comfort and no one else needs to know.
  9. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Not weird. We need comfort whatever it takes. I also still wear my wedding ring on my left finger and his on my right hand finger. We're together.