Struggling to choose life or death after multiple losses

I’ve lost the majority of the people I was ever close to over the last few years. My mom was my very best friend and we talked every day, she died on thanksgiving this year, a year after she had a triple bypass. My brother died of an overdose this past March 2019, a week after his birthday. Last year I lost one of my best friends who I’d known since she was a teenager, also to an overdose. A year before that, I lost my grandpa, who was old but the lynchpin of my dads side of the family, we haven’t spent a holiday together since. The year before that was my sister-in-law, who had been separated from my brother for 5 years and had been clean from drugs the whole time until my brother started calling her and begging to see her. The night she finally caved in and went to see him, she relapsed and 0d’d. My niece who was in college at the time totally cut off his whole side of the family including me and my mother who had nothing to do with drugs, and my mother loved her more than anything. And last but not least, the year before that, one of my other best friends from when we were teens, committed suicide because she couldn’t take this messed up world anymore and she left 3 small children behind. I myself am disabled, I live with constant pain and there’s no known cure for the condition. I’ve been fighting for years for financial help but having a really hard time because I’m “too young” (my lawyer even said if I was 10 years older there wouldn’t have been a fight at all) and unable to support myself financially live with my alcoholic father who has diabetes but who drinks every day and eats whatever he wants, treats me like I’m a loser because he doesn’t understand my illnesses and won’t read the stuff I bring him about it but will throw money at his dead beat bar friends who only make him sicker, I’m watching him die right in front of me every day and there’s nothing I can do about it. Anyway, with all this I just wonder if it’s just better that I go be with the people I love and who loved me. Nobody will be in a relationship with me because of all my problems and the couple friends I have left have full lives, there’s no room for me. I have a therapist who I’ve been seeing for years now but I only see her once a month. Most of my time is spent alone. I feel like I’m one person too many in the world and maybe it’s be better if I just go because no matter how hard I fight I’m just falling through the cracks anyway...

 

Krvin Lion,

I am so very sorry for your losses and what you are currently going through still. That’s far too much for person to have to handle. I’m not sure why awful things happen to some of us. I lost my mom who was my best friend in October (2019) and in December my fiancé was tragically and unexpectedly killed. I’ve suffered from ptsd surrounding the circumstances of his death and I carry guilt, shame, denial, anger, and sadness every day. I miss my mom and him so so much. I was grieving my mom and leaning on my fiancé through it and then he left me too. It was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t want to live without them. I’ve had a tough life, but I won’t explain every detail. But these losses have definitely impacted me the most. I asked myself the same question, “should I just go be with my loved ones?”. But I’m still here and that means that part of me knows it’s just not my time yet. I talk to my mom and my fiancé everyday. It helps but sometimes I still cry. There’s nothing anyone can say to make it feel better but sometimes knowing others are right there with you makes it a little bit better. And I hope your financial and living situation get better. Just remember though, life is important or we wouldn’t get so sad when a life is gone.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, I know how hard it can be to go through it all again writing or talking about it. It does make me feel feel better to know I’m not completely alone.. I may be physically alone, but knowing others are going through similar or worse things makes me feel like we are all in this together, all of us just trying to survive no matter how hard it gets. I’m grateful that life sometimes shows us what we need to see when we need to see it the most. Just yesterday at the gas station as I walked in a man was talking to the cashier who he apparently knew and was telling her how he just lost his mom and brother within a few months of each other this past year. How about that for a coincidence? I was so surprised I just blurted out “wow so did I”, but it made him smile so my embarrassment was worth someone else feeling better. Coming here and reading a lot of these stories made me feel better too. You’re not alone, not really, there are people, lots of people going through it too. I may feel like throwing in the towel sometimes but then I think, why waste it.. death is inevitable, right? It happens to all of us whether we are ready or not.. so.. might as well make the best of what you got, because you never really know when your times up. I decided just to do all the things I like as much as I’m able to, and try to appreciate every day I have left and to try things I’ve never done before, like this, just to see how it goes, because why not? You never know what good can come out of something till you try, right? And even if something bad happens it’s still a lesson learned so either way a person experiences Something and that’s what we are here for. To experience this world and all it has to offer. Taking each day as it comes and today I’m choosing life. Some other day I might not feel that way but today I do. ☺️

 

KryinLion,

I am so sorry to hear of your losses. Having to deal with loss is a terrible event in our lives, and this is compounded even more as additional losses happen. Take time and reach out for help.

Over the course of my marriage, both my wife and me suffered many losses, (her), 2 brothers, 1 sister, parents and grandparents, (me) wife to cancer, grandparents, uncle to suicide, aunt to unknown illness, 2 more uncles to heart attacks, sister-in-law, coworker to bomb, coworker to another driver, and on and on this list goes. The point for me is, as both my wife and me lost someone, we consoled each other, and of course military members.

Your support system is lacking, but that doesn’t mean you should give in to despair. When you can’t find help from within your family, it is time to find more support. Please don’t give up.

Over the course of my life, I at one point realized my regrets were too much for me to bear alone, so I first told my own doctor, and he treated me for depression. He offered professional referrals, but the cost was just too much beyond the first few visits.

So besides my wife’s help, I joined groups (free groups found online) to help me as well. I will admit, having to tell a complete stranger how I felt was hard and very intimidating. But I learned that as I opened up others encouraged me on. Sure sometimes words got caught in my throat, or words were hard to come by, but by reaching out I found it helped a lot and time made it easier to open up.

KryinLion, I know your feelings have to be up and down, and it is extremely hard to face such extreme times alone without help. I hope you will continue to open up about your hurt, as I know as I talked over time, though it was painful to do, it does slowly help telling others.

So please don’t give in to despair, and hopefully your pain, sorrow and grief will begin to lessen over time. Never think life is not worth living. Just take each day slowly. You are no less important than anyone else, and I hope you will start to feel more comfort over time. God Bless

david