Struggling through another sleepless night without my husband

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by CarolC, Sep 9, 2018.

  1. Lili

    Lili Member

    I'm sorry for everyone's loss. My husband died on Aug 10, 2018. His funeral was on Aug 13, which was his He would've been 56. We were married for 32 yrs on July 28. I never reminded him that day the fact that was our anniversary. I didn't want him to feel bad. He was diagnosis with lung cancer after having a seizure on June 23. He had metastasis to the brain with 5 tumors. He left us to be with God 7 weeks later.
    I walk on the streets looking for him. For less than a second I think that this is a nightmare and that I will wake up. But is not. THIS is my life now, a life without him. I miss him continuously but I'm happy that he didn't suffer that long. He was brave every moment of his last 7 weeks. I have regrets of not appreciating him more in the past. But that was life. Work, kids, bills.... Before he got diagnosed he told me that we have to grow old together in a beautiful way. I told him that we will and we still have at least 20 years to do it. Now he's not here. I visit his grave and talk and cry. It gives me some peace. I'm trying to honor him and think of our memories together. I only take Magnesium oxide for my nervous system and helps with this. Also I tried 5HTP that helps. I dont take anything else. I have my adult children with me. I've been sleeping with my daughter in her room since. When I'm asked how I'm doing I say "it's very hard and I have no words to describe it". Then people leave me alone. It hurts sooo bad that I feel like screaming as loud as I can. I miss him, l miss everything coming from him... my love.
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  2. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Lili, I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember in the beginning, every time I'd wake up the first thing I'd do is look at his chair to see if he was there. I miss everything about my husband, even the things that used to drive me crazy angry.
  3. Angel

    Angel Member

    I know exactly what you mean. People keep telling you how strong you are, give it time, it'll get better. I know they all mean well, hell, I used to tell people the same thing. It's only because they don't know what else to say, especially if they have never been through it personally. I now realize it is exacerbating to have to hear it over and over and over. Although I have been in this grief for almost 5 years now, it has NOT gotten better. I do not miss him any less. It just gets different. When it lasts this long, people act like you are crazy, but everyone grieves differently. Long gone are the days of anyone telling me how strong I am now. It's now pity I see, which I neither want nor need. If you don't confirm to the "normal" time frame, people will not understand, leaving you feeling completely alone.
    Jagenau and Saintgrl74 like this.
  4. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    Lost a sib in a vehicle crash. She was too young to have children. I even miss the thought of what they would have been like. I’m really glad you have the kids to hold.
  5. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a coworker that lost his only daughter in a car wreck. Talking to him makes me even more grateful that I have my children and grandchildren.
  6. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Today has been a particularly challenging day. I can't stop thinking about the day my life was torn apart. I can't stop crying today. My whole body hurts and I'm so tired. I think Thanksgiving is weighing heavy on me. This was Butch's favorite holiday. He would be up early in the morning getting the turkey ready, his favorite food. We'd spend most of the day in the kitchen together cooking our feast for three. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep until this week is over, but instead I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my mother, both sisters, children and grandchildren at the tiny town house I'm renting while waiting for my new double wide.
  7. BethRobin

    BethRobin New Member

    Hi CarolC, I am so sorry for your loss, and I can really relate to everything you are describing. I lost my husband of 43 years just 3 short years ago and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, have imaginary conversations with him, miss all the little things (even more than the big things). I feel like I will carry him in my heart forever. I don't feel that the grief ever goes away, just like your friend says; it doesn't really get better or you don't really 'heal' - you just learn to live with it, with that big aching hole.
    Yes, I know about those chipped plates and also the art of piecing them back together with gold filling, something called 'Kintsugi' in Japan. It helps to think that we can put the pieces back together but it's different, we are different and we always will be. People who do kintsugi treat breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, not something to disguise. Our great loss is part of our history and we can't really disguise it. Yes, we can come up with a 'script' to tell others in order to protect ourselves from being so vulnerable all the time and right on the verge of tears. I would always say 'I'm managing, thanks' or something like that.
    I think everyone finds what works for them, whether it's some kind of grief therapy individually or in groups (or online!), some drugs for sleep or anxiety or whatever (and it can be for a short time or longer as needed), it's such an individual thing to help deal with the craziness that we feel with such a heavy burden and our lives turned upside down. Keep plugging along, finding ways to honor your loved one, finding ways to take care of yourself and taking one step at a time.
    CarolC likes this.
  8. Saintgrl74

    Saintgrl74 Active Member

    I lost my husband suddenly 2 months ago. My 8 year old son is sleeping with me, has only been in his bed 2 nights since it happened. We moved to a new apartment. I’m sleeping a little better but not great. I guess it comes with loss. I have to have piano lullaby music playing in order to sleep.
    LindaH likes this.
  9. MelissaBc

    MelissaBc New Member

    My husband died Nov 8, and nobody expected it. We laughed before surgery. I am awake and I feel so lost. My daughter is great, and everyone has showed me so much love. But I know what you mean, I can't stand this. Wake up, lay down, go to the mail box, I want to rest for a minute without thinking. Sorry for your loss.
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  10. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It's become a roller coaster ride for me now. Sometimes I sleep well, sometimes I don't want to wake up, others I can't get to sleep. Same with eating; sometimes I can't get full, others I just don't want anything. There are still many nights I fall asleep texting someone because then I don't feel so alone. I hope you find your peace soon.
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  11. Jagenau

    Jagenau New Member

  12. Jagenau

    Jagenau New Member

    It is a lonely time! I have many friends and family, who are willing to help. I miss his love and just our time together. We loved each other much. We are older, second marriage, but a great blessing. I feel a super loneliness!!
  13. Jagenau

    Jagenau New Member

    So many memories, only been 25 days, but causes me many, many tears. I know it will always be sad, and will miss him for ever. I am sorry for you loss. It is a sadness for each of us that only we can feel. However you feel is ok. That is what someone told me when my first husband passed, 20 years ago. It is still a loss! This was my second marriage, after 18 years, and I was so lucky to have his love. Gee whiz, do I ever miss him.
  14. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It has to be heartbreaking to face this tremendous loss of the one you loved so much in life.

    When I lost my wife Nadine of 42 years to cancer, my two sons were with me there in hospice that night. A nurse came into the room, lit a candle, carried it to the window, placed it there, then came back and read an End of Life prayer. By the time she had finished the floor was wet with tears.

    As Nadine took her final breath, her sister Linda and her niece Lisa with me were by her bedside. When it happened of course I cried out, Linda grabbed me and hugged me and it was hard to get beyond that moment.

    Before she died, Nadine told us she had a dream, an angel had visited her and told her she would take care of all the unwanted children in heaven. You see both my sons never married so she had no grandchildren to admire and I guess it was something she regretted a lot.

    Loss is the hardest thing to get beyond. When it is your mate in life it is so hard to move beyond it. I know it took me a long time to recover, but I will tell you it has been 5 years this month since she passed, and I now can talk about it without losing it anymore.

    So I understand how hard it is to get over. This covid-19 and Isolation period we are in is awful, it keeps us from the ones we love.

    Just talk as much as you like, with family, with friends, by whatever means you have - phone, internet or whatever. Connect with us as well. Lessening your emotions will take time to face this intense sorrow.

    For now, take care of yourself. Never give in to despair. Peace be with you.


    This song is for you especially on Easter Sunday

    Jagenau likes this.
  15. Jagenau

    Jagenau New Member

    I appreciate your post. It is a feeling we can feel, a deep loneliness. Not just tears, but deep tears. Thank you for your words of knowledge.